Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Britain blooms as Scotlandshire is unquestionably Better Together

By Gordon Brownlips, our Pensions, Powers and Transplants Correspondent.

BrownlipsSince last Friday's confirmation of Westminster's superiority, life has already become far better for the resident's of Great Britain's most northerly region.

Over the course of just a few short days, in what must be seen as a ringing endorsement of the Better Together campaign, almost every aspect of life in Scotlandshire has shown a rapid improvement.

In the few brief examples I have given below (taken from one of my after dinner speeches) my subjects can see for themselves that, just as I promised you all before the referendum, the UK really is OK.

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Chief Counting Officer announces dramatic change in voting arrangements

By Nadzieja Kwiatkowski, Our Polish [1] Correspondent

ballot boxScotlandshire's Chief Counting Officer, Ms Winding Way, has made a dramatic, but timely, change to the arrangements for the Independence Referendum next month.

"I am required by legislation", she announced, "to ensure that the arrangements for the referendum voting are utterly and transparently fair.

"My vision for the conduct of the referendum is that there should be no barriers to any voter taking part ; voters must have the same experience wherever they are in Scotlandshire ; the referendum will be administered efficiently; and the referendum will produce results that are accepted as accurate.

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BBC saves the Great British Imperial Games from the Scots

by Taeko Verbid, our BBC London Intervention Correspondent

Gary-Lineker-Gabby-Logan--011BBC Scotlandshire can reveal that a plot by Scottish people to take over the UK's Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games was foiled at the last minute by the BBC.

A cabal consisting of the Scottish 'government' and Glasgow city council had planned to run the games entirely by themselves, in a naked attempt to build confidence in the run up to the referendum on Separation due in September.

In a blatant snub to the people of the rest of England, the organisers conspired to pay the entire £575 million cost of the games by themselves, simply to deny others the chance of claiming credit for the impeccable organisation of the event. This was particularly unfair as the UK government had previously allowed, in fact insisted, that Scotlandshire contribute almost twice this sum towards the London Olympics, thus allowing North Britons to feel a valued part of the UK family of bankrollers regions.

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Orange Order "appalled and dismayed" as Pope becomes latest U-KOK campaigner

by Orday Narimum, our Strictly Neutral Commentator

pope darlingMembers of the anti-independence Friends of the Union Better Together U-KOK Labour United No Thanks campaign could hardly contain themselves on Friday when his Holiness Pope Francis declared that he will be campaigning alongside them.

Hundreds of column inches were added to a cacophony of tweets as Project Fear fanciers shared the wonderful news with one another and taunted the few online separatists with their latest convert.

However, not all loyal Unionists were pleased at the news. Leading members of the Orange Order said they are "appalled" to hear the Pope was to campaign alongside them and "dismayed" to find he was already a Past Master of Loyal Orange Lodge 81 (Port Stanley) from his time as a night club bouncer in Argentina.

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We're not reporting the debate, we're IN IT, says Andrew Marr

By Kenny McQuarrell, our Director General

The-Andrew-Marr-ShowThe following is a transcript of part of the Andrew Marr show from this morning. This will be remembered as the point when the BBC finally admitted it was a player in the debate on Scottish independence rather than a neutral and disinterested observer.

We in BBC Scotlandshire have never had such reticence in admitting our pro-union stance. Whilst we are less overtly partisan than the spoof BBC on the opposite bank of the Clyde, we are also far more open and honest about our views.

It is reassuring to see the BBC, if a little belatedly, come round to our way of thinking and start being honest with its viewers, few in number and widely dispersed as they may be.

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Scots "not genetically programmed to make political decisions", reveals astonished Lamont

By Nat Hunter, Our Chief Political Correspondent, with Jean Etticks, Science Correspondent , and telly-watching team Bendhard Poncingbye and Colon McSigh

missing geneLeader of the Nu-Socialists in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont astonished the world last night with evidence that the region can’t rule itself even if it wanted to.

Lamont produced the astounding claim during a television debate with nationalist Nicola Sturgeon, who clearly struggled to answer any questions put to her.

When asked by Sturgeon why Scots should have to “put up with” Tory governments they didn’t vote for, champion of socialists Lamont explained “We’re not genetically programmed in Scotlandshire to make political decisions”.

Lamont offered to provide scientific evidence to back the claim up, in the form of waving a document around in the air like previous debaters, but Sturgeon again prodded the socialist to answer why she was happy with the current constitutional arrangement.

Lamont, Master Debater of the Year 2013, dumbfounded the nationalist by pointing out “we chose to be part of the United Kingdom”. The debate was virtually won at that point.

Experts at the stooshie could not make head nor tail of Sturgeon’s remarks past the first few words of each answer, although they couldn’t put a finger on why she was so off the pace.

Lamont’s ability to stay out of the limelight each week bar 10 minutes of First Minister’s Questions meant she simply had more preparation time than “attention-seeking” Sturgeon, the pundits concluded.

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Separate Scotlandshire may be susceptible to space storms, say scientists

By Holly Moses, our Weird Science correspondent

meteorAn independent Scotlandshire would have no protection against destruction by falling meteors, warned scientists from the Department of Reclining Chairs at the London School of Ergonomics.

In a report published today the wholly independent UK Government boffins claim that, if Scotlandshire were to separate from England, it would be left with no cover against celestial peril. The tiny Scottish Defence Force would be unable to prevent a hail of meteors - which could fall from the sky at any time – from causing huge devastation and loss of life.

Even a shower of much smaller meteorites, which are far more common than meteors, would destroy all of Scottish industry and kill millions. A sizeable asteroid strike could even take out the whole country 'in a wunner'.

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Scots could be banned from speaking English, warns academic

By Cill E Akzent, our Linguistics Correspondent

meerkatIt is 'highly unlikely' that fUK ministers would agree to enter into a language union with an independent Scotland, warns a leading academic.

In a death blow to Alex Salmond's plans for splitting from Britain, Professor Verbil Skitorz of the Technical University of Bollik, Estonia will warn that Scots will need to adopt their own language if they vote for separation.

“We only allow ze Scotch people to use ze Eenglish because they is part of the UK”, Professor Skitorz will tell a specially invited audience at a U-KOK donors meeting in the Guildhall tomorrow.

“If eet was a Breetish language, eet would not be called Eenglish, right? If ze Scotch peepilz want to keep on speaking eet, they better stay together een ze UK. Seemples. Gedit?”

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Travel Guide for Londoners

By Boris JohnsonThe Mare of London

london mapThe festive season is almost upon us once again and for those of you who through no fault of your own must travel north and interact with the natives of Scotlandshire we have devised an occasional series to help you in the difficult task of communicating with the indigenous population.

Bar etiquette.

The first hurdle to negotiate is the actual invite to go for a drink. While many of the phrases those of us in the green and pleasant land would use have also been adopted in the stark lands of the North there are many phrases you will not have heard before.

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BBC Scotlandshire has the West Lothian answer

By Nat Hunter, our Political Editor.

Nigel-FarageThere is a growing voice within England for the establishment of an English parliament. The democratic deficit which was so evident in Scotlandshire, and which remains to this day, is now becoming visible south of the border, particularly in relation to the infamous "West Lothian question".

The West Lothian Question question in question is not, as you might suppose, "what did Westminster do to help keep Halls of Broxburn going?", but rather, "why can Scottish MPs vote on English issues when English MPs cannot reciprocate?"

The bitterness evident among English MPs has been compounded by the increasing gulf between the quality of public services offered on both sides of the border, particularly since the SNP took over the Scottish Government in May 2007. This has led to ever more shrill cries of "subsidy junkies" and a general belief that Scots are being given a superior level of service at the expense of their over-taxed English neighbours and, furthermore, that this is being done deliberately.

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