The decline and fall of the No-man's empire
In the crescents of Edinburgh's new Georgian village,
as the SNP's fortunes still surged on,
the new French Ambassador came to Bute House
to confer with First Minister Sturgeon.
The French Consul General sat in the meeting
to capture the gist of discussion.
He minuted everything worthy of note
in the usual time-honoured fashion.
Then that afternoon the same French diplomat
phoned an unnamed, obscure civil servant
who, while he works secretly for MI5,
is based up here in Melville Crescent.
He spoke to his contact of what had been said
being careful to stay even-handed
making sure that the UK was brought up to speed
as protocol clearly demanded.
The spook in this story was nobody's fool
as you might expect from his career
and he quickly picked up the potential there was
to create and to broadcast a smear.
He sent off a memo to both of his bosses
detailing the call with his friend,
but adding a note to the one for Thames House
with suggestions for what to append.
His handler in London then picked up the phone
to take orders from number eleven.
The Chancellor gave his approval to edit
this memo which seemed made in heaven.
The men from the Ministry then undertook
to subvert a Westminster election,
by setting in motion a devious plan
which they codenamed as 'The French Correction'.
A few extra statements were quickly appended
to Nicola's real conversation,
claiming she'd hinted she'd rather have Dave
than Ed Miliband leading the nation.
In case of the need for a later denial,
and in line with their ancient tradition,
the spooks had inserted a caveat claiming
parts may have been "lost in translation".
To those who are wondering why civil servants
would work in this partisan way.
Recall that the Natz are a threat to the State
so the rules need not all be obeyed.
So the memo went all the way back to Auld Reekie
to pick up some last minute tweaks
while the plans were laid out for the maximum clout
and the target and time for the leak.
The first man they'd tell would be 'Fluffy' Mundell
as the solitary Tory in house
but he panicked and said: "Talk to Ally instead"
for he's only a little girl's blouse.
So the spook gave the memo to young Euan Roddin
a SpAd for Carmichael the Great.
The boy thought his Birthdays had all come at once
as he spoke to the Secretary of State.
"Is it OK for me to leak this to the press?
With the Natz on a roll – this could wreck it.
But bearing in mind that it's mostly made up
and might all fall apart when they check it"
"Aye, you go ahead", said the little boy's boss
"my electoral chances are fecked!
But give it late on to the old Torygraph
and they might even run it unchecked"
"Before leaking the story call Libs Labs and Tories
and some of the unionist hacks.
They'll all need some time to compose decent tweets
so they have to be spoon fed the facts".
So Mundell and wee Ruth were forewarned of the leak
as was wee Wullie Rennie, LibDem.
Even Kezia, Creepy and strange Mr Ed
were all ready to tweet before ten.
Then the news hit the stands that the FM liked Cam
and the Twitterstorm went through its paces.
But when everyone there said the leak was unfair
it began to blow up in their faces.
Labour and Lib started killing off tweets
but denial couldn't help any more.
An enquiry was called for the source of the leak
and Carmichael went on Channel four.
The Cabinet Secretary set up his probe
and his staff set to look for the Jonah
But the public could see that Carmichael was he
and this time there was no help from Rona
But the word on the quiet (an all will deny it)
was don't report back before May.
With so many in frame, but so few to be blamed
the results of the vote would hold sway.
When election day passed few LibDem votes were cast
but Carmichael, though barely, held on.
With a 10k majority now below one
he was battered and bruised, but he won.
With the Tories in charge and his party not large
the enquiry said he was to blame.
He had not only smeared, but to all it appeared
he had lied on TV without shame.
The Northern Isles folk bought a pig in a poke
and now wanted the pig to retire.
But the pig stayed in place as his great piggy face
blazed atop an 'Up Helly Aa' fire.
So we all wait to see what the outcome will be
as the lying (at least) was his fault.
Will he try to hang on, or be left on his own
with a gun and a bottle of malt.
BBC Scotland (the spoof one) : Alistair Carmichael rejects calls to resign over leaked Nicola Sturgeon memo
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