BBC releases schedule for new Scottish channel
By R U Fekin-Kidenme, Our Scottishness correspondent.
BBC Scotlandshire management is proud to present the schedule for the new BBC evening channel in Scotland, which we have decided will be called BBC Scotland in honour of the spoof TV network on the opposite bank of the Clyde.
This channel has been created to provide the 'closest thing to federalism that is possible within the State Broadcaster', in line with the solemn vow made by the Daily Record in 2014. It will feature content which has been specifically created for Scottish viewers by Mentorn Productions Ltd. of Media City, Manchester.
Schedule for the opening evening of BBC Scotland
7:00 Good Evening Scotland
A chance to learn what Scotland's newest channel has to offer. But don't get too excited, now.
7:05 The Great British Britishness
A nostalgic look back at Vera Lynn, workhouses and the plucky Queen Mum. Lest we forget.
7:10 Who the fuck do you think you are?
Historian David Snarkey, wasterel Neil (before my locks) Oliver and Rory (the Tory) Stewart MP discuss why Scotland only really exists in the fevered minds of SNP politicians and Holywood film producers.
7:30 I'm a liability - get me out of here
Proud Scots prepare for independence by living in grass huts and consuming the gonads of assorted roadkill.
8:00 Election Special
Prof. John Curtains, the world's only psephologist, explains why tactical voting is the best way to stop the SNP in May.
8:05 Bred & Circuses
A fawned look at how Scotland's aristocracy lives today. Filmed entirely on location in Mayfair and narrated by Nicholas Witchell, Keeper of the Queen's Colon.
8:30 The Barrelling Duds of May
Brexit minister David Davis explains how the war with Spain is being won.
8:55 River Shitty
Sir Sean Connery brings us up to date with the latest plot twists in Scotland's fave soap.
9:00 The news where you are
The BBC evening news from London, dubbed into Scotch by our own Jakey Burd.
9:30 There's been anutherr murrderr
A compilation of all the funniest clips from Taggart.
9:50 Brig 'o Doom
Gary Robertson interviews renowned Civil Engineer and MSP Murdo Fraser about how the SNP's failure to control the Scottish weather almost led to the opening of the unwanted & pointless Queensferry Crossing being delayed.
10:00 Views at Ten
A panel of journalists and politicians from North London discuss the latest thinking on what Scots are thinking.
10:30 Match of the day
A roundup of exciting goals and near-misses from the Premiership (For those familiar with Garlic, some Scottish results are available on BBC Alba).
11:00 God Save the Queen
Sung tonight by Moira Anderson
Time for bed. You have a hard day's cringeing tomorrow.
In contrast to the spoof BBC across the Clyde, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.