Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Oil will 'run out completely in less than 18 months', warns Darling

By Ian Woodrow Port II, our Energy Correspondent

Darling-sadLabour's Alistair Darling has warned that UK oil will run out completely within 18 months if Scotlandshire votes to separate from the United Kingdom.

The one-time U-KOK head told reporters at a closed meeting in Gretna that 'the flow of oil will be turned off like a tap' within months of a Yes vote, leaving our country's finances in a terrible state.

"We know this to to to be true", he stuttered, "because it says so in a a a a secret document written by Finance Secretary John Swinney for his his his cabinet colleagues, which was never intended to to to be seen by the public.

"In his secret dossier, Scotland's Future, Swinney describes how all but a trickle of North Sea oil will be grabbed by Scotlandshire, by then a foreign country, with virtually none of it being left for for for for the UK."

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Daily Record rebrands as the Daily Onion

By Sark Chasm, Our Alternative Comedy Correspondent

the onionFew of our readers will have come across a publication called "The Onion". It is a strange American idea, in which fun is poked at politicians "by simply drawing attention to the inherent absurdity in some people taking themselves seriously".

This channel is no great fan of these foreign ideas of "comedy". Re-runs of sitcoms, set in nice, safe, English suburbia like "Terry and June" are much more our cup of tea.

However, this new style of humour has come to Scotlandshire. A declining tabloid has decided to rebrand itself in this new style, and we review it here.

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UK vow: Vote no and you’ll get more than anyone else! And we're fine with that!

By Pullmy Legg, Our Honesty Correspondent

greatThe leaders of the 3 main UK parties have today vowed - yes vowed not pledged!- that once Scotlandshire votes ‘NoBloodyThankYou!’ on Thursday, they will introduce a suite of new powers and benefits that will make Scots the envy of the rest of the UK.

And that is fine because, though this has not yet been put to the London Parliament that has yet to be elected next year, everyone in the rest of the UK is just fine with that!

The English are fine with it because they think the Scots are just great and deserve all the extra powers they could possibly want.

The Northern Irish think it is just great because they 100% favour home rule in a big way!

But nowhere is this all more popular than in Waleshire, where the Labour administration is tickled pink to be already cutting its health spending as part of austerity measures in order to see Scotlandshire getting a bigger slice per head of the funding cake than they do.

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And here's to you Mr Robinson. Jesus!

By Withered Vine, Our Fashion and Tittilating Tales Correspondent

bilkoThe Editor asked me to pop round to see Nick Robinson in his sick bed, and pass on the condolences of the channel on being publicly humiliated by Alecsammin. (He knows I like to visit men in bed.)

I was shocked to see how the poor man has changed so rapidly. "Slaphead", as he is frequently referred to down here in the Smoke or sometimes "the self-fellating Mr Nick Robinson of the BBC" is a broken man.

As he cried into my bosom (I do hate soggy bras!) he told me the whole terrible story.

"I had a deprived childhood", he started, so I settled down on the bed anticipating that he would fill me in, in as boring and repetitive way as most men do nowadays.

"My parents couldn't afford to send me even to a semi-decent school like Winchester, so I had to go a Direct Grant one. I became an instant Tory at the age of 8, when the Labour Government abolished that status, and the school fees rose, thus cutting my source of disposable income."

At this point I dozed off, though I vaguely remember him describing his rise through the Tory ranks. Actually, I've had more of the Tory ranks rising in me than he's had hot dinners.

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Blow for U-KOK as Queen wades into the debate

By Neil Low, Our Royal Correspondent

queenAt Crathie Kirk, Her Majesty spoke to an English visitor who was wishing her well, and delivered the following scripted message, in front of the invited Press audience.

"You have an important vote on Thursday. I hope everybody thinks very carefully about the referendum this week".

A delighted Yes campaign responded officially "Her Majesty is echoing the message from Yes Scotland to all voters - to think very carefully about this one opportunity that Scotland will have on Thursday to choose our future. Of course, Buckingham Palace has been at pains to stress that the Queen has no position on the independence referendum."

Unofficially he said, "Ya wee dancer! Get stuck intae thae Nay-sayers, Lizzie! The bastirts have spent the last two years trying to stop folk thinking about the issues with their fear mongering.

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Secret betrothal for Scotlandshire megastar

Briony Laing and George Deary marry in secretBy Glitzy Glamour, Our XXL-Z List reporter

In yet another devastating blow to the nationalists, a slowly rising megastar of Dateline Scotland has secretly married the NoThanks! chief spokestragedist in a top secret ceremony, at a top secret location, all paid for by a top secret Better Together donor.

Ms Briony Laing of Dateline Scotland fame and George Deary of Better Together infamy announced the fantastic news of their nuptials in front of a packed world press pack.

Unfortunately the world’s media were actually there under the misapprehension that Nigel Farage was about to announce yet another Tory MPs defection to UKIP. Rumours had been rife all day that "the Mundell situation was about to be sorted".

The generous donor is most definitely not a funder of foreign despot warlords or a greedy Tory out to grab all the oil and natural resource wealth he can get his hands on.

Not since Jennifer Aniston married Brad Pitt has a marriage been arranged with such subterfuge and downright sneakery.

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Cameron urges Swedes to abandon separatism and vote for his party of Cnuts

By Blåtand Lyer, Our Nordic Correspondent

cnutAs Swedes go to the polls today, the big question is "Will they heed David Cameron's emotional appeal to abandon separatism and rejoin Englands Empire of Cnuts?"

During a visit to Swedish Widows offices in Copenhagen, Mr Cameron said: “I care far more about myself than I do about my country. I care hugely about this extraordinary alliance, this Empire of the really rich and similar cnuts that we’ve built together

"I would be heartbroken if this family of nations that King Cnut put together remains broken and sundered, smashed and divided.

"Let's all reunite under my banner, recreate Cnut's North Sea Empire, and once again have total Cnuts like me ruling you."

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A Referendum tale for wee folk

By Luke Erza Skwirrel, Our Voters Are Daft Correspondent

chicken-lickenWe earlier announced that we would not be providing any footage of the Orange march in Edinburgh, for the obvious reason that those nutters will lose us votes.

Instead, we bring you a classic tale to terrify the weans.

This is entirely in accord with our editorial guidelines, which we interpret as we find most appropriate to save the Empire by reducing the entire population of Scotlandshire to terrified jelly.

Only people who hate any children they accidentally have, believe in splittism. No real parent will ever want their children to leave them. Keep your children at home with you always, so that they can work hard, give you all their money, and keep you in luxury.

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Biblical Dentists for Naw outline the 10 plaques of Splittism

By Pullem Oot, Our Private Dental Care Correspondent

ayes cream vanIn a spectacular intervention in the splittist debate, dental technicians from Labour's Tooth Team have described the 10 plaques that will befall Scotlandshire, should the Bacterium ScotNatPhilia render fUK toothless in the face of Islamist/Irish/Catalan/Isle of Man/Bloody Foreigner terrorism.

Each of these plaques is described, in detail, in Book Two of the Dental Bible, "Exodus From UK Would Be A Fu*king Disaster Says God".

"There will be 10 phases to the retribution of the Lords on those who defy the Lords' will on the supremacy of the Lords" said a lot of Labour Lords, while MP Anas Sarwar commented, "I was a dentist before I became an MP so I know all about causing pain to people, while they're unable to answer back.

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After the warm-up acts, it's the Niggle and Georgie show!

By MT Stalls, Our Showbusiness Correspondent

music hallIn a bold attempt to resurrect Music Hall in today's digital world, lead Westminster performers have experimented with various formats from the glory days of the early 20th century, in which they still live.

Their joint reprise of HG Wells' "The Inviible Man" bombed, so they agreed to try singing as a trio, with the bizarre notion of singing different and contradictory songs in different places to show they were Better Together.

Miliband reprised Pinkmonkey's smash hit "Stay with Us", as Cameron shed tears as he gulped his way through Aalliyah's "Heartbroken" and Clegg wept copiously as he sang Norman Wisdom's "Don't Laugh at Me Cause I'm a Fool".

However, this was but the (rather disappointing) warm-up act for the real stars of the No Show - The Niggle and Georgie Team (with the massed Flute Bands).

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