Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
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Britain blooms as Scotlandshire is unquestionably Better Together

By Gordon Brownlips, our Pensions, Powers and Transplants Correspondent.

BrownlipsSince last Friday's confirmation of Westminster's superiority, life has already become far better for the resident's of Great Britain's most northerly region.

Over the course of just a few short days, in what must be seen as a ringing endorsement of the Better Together campaign, almost every aspect of life in Scotlandshire has shown a rapid improvement.

In the few brief examples I have given below (taken from one of my after dinner speeches) my subjects can see for themselves that, just as I promised you all before the referendum, the UK really is OK.

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George Galloway revealed to be the Queen?

By Neil Downe, Our Royal Correspondent

galloway queenThe Royal Household is convulsed by speculation as to how the Queen could have "purred" down the phone to David Cameron.

"She's a very doggy person (just as Princess Anne is very horsey)", said the Groom of the Stool, "and can't stand to be in the same room as a cat. She can't stand to be in the same room as David Cameron either, but that's another matter altogether. She never purrs."

The Royal Fool (or Prince Charles as he is normally called) suggested that "Mummy employs servants to do common things such as talking to peasants like Cameron.

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Entryism threat faces SNP and other splittist parties

By Nat Hunter, Our aPolitical Correspondent

new membersEvidence is mounting that Alecsammin deliberately prevented new members joining the party in order to preserve his dictatorial control over the seditious organisation.

Within hours of the broken First Minister resigning his post. new applications flooded into their Charlotte St HQ, as the Natz virus went panicdemic.

As 18,002 19,558 20,557 26,108 27,106 28,053 29,237 30,548 35,104 38,032 40.358 41,385 42,589 44,358 46,806 (and rising) new applications threatened to engulf staff, information received by this channel, revealed that Sammin was the main reason why so few had been allowed to be SNP members previously.

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Jack Straw : 'Make the Union indissoluble'

By Bullit Anbomm, Our Irish Correspondent

enda-kennyEnda Kenny, Taoiseach of Ireland, was incandescent about "that fu*kin eejit, Jack Straw" trying to restart the Troubles in Northern Ireland.

Straw's suggestion that the international agreement between the UK and Ireland should be unilaterally broken by insisting that Northern Ireland could never leave the UK would lead to violence "that would make George Square look like a Bhuddist meditation session", said a source.

Straw, the Shadow Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (actually he isn't, but Wiki says he is and Wiki is the fount of absolute truth) proposed that "we should follow the example of stable federated countries (the US and India, for example) and say: 'This Union is now indissoluble'."

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Gordy & Dave: Twa cheeks o the same skelpit erse

By Snikibas Turd, our Phone Tapping Correspondent

David-Cameron-using-a-mobyThe following is a transcript of a telephone conversation between Gordon Brown and David Cameron, which was recorded early on Friday morning as it was becoming clear that the Union had been saved:

<call connected>

Dave: Hello Gordon. Great news on the indyref. How can I help you?

Gordy: Thanks David. I'm calling about my timetable for extra powers.

Dave: Oh that? But surely you're not going ahead with any of that now. We won, dear boy, we won!

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Well. That's it.

By Kenny McQuarrel, Our Newly Jobless Leader

Today, that bastirt Cameron has decided that regional BBC facilities are no longer required, now that London has absolute control.

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DECISION TIME

By Alastair Darling, Our Revered Leader

Remember! No voters cast their votes tomorrow not today!

Do you REALLY want all the important decisions taken here? By people YOU choose to put in there?

chamber.

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Proudscotbuts must say No to Separation

By Boris Johnson, the next Prime Minister of Scotlandshire

proudscotbutWith just over two weeks to go until the most important vote in Scolandshire's history, Proudscotbuts everywhere must gather themselves for one final push. Nothing less than the future of our country is at stake, and with it the fate of its Northernmost region that many of you call home, Scotlandshire.

As we know, this referendum is all about nationality. Proudscotbuts such as you love your country, your region and your families and consequently wish each of these to remain just as they are now. The Nationalists, fuelled as they are by Braveheart and Buckfast, care for none of these and wish only their destruction. What kind of people are they, who strive only to turn their own families into foreigners – the worst fate which could ever befall a true Proudscotbut.

Through a combination of guile and simple dishonesty, the Nationalists have managed to secure a pointless and divisive referendum on Separation. The date of this pitiable plebiscite is the 18th of September (or the 19th for No voters). Mark it in your diaries for tomorrow is the day of our final offensive. Yes, I understand you have all been as offensive as you can be throughout this campaign, but we must all now raise our level of offensiveness to new unexplored depths/heights.

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'Peter and Jane welcome Daddy home' : A modern Ladybird book for Tory children

By Tail Teller, Our Tory Children's Correspondent

daddy homeMost days, Daddy Cameron goes to the office.

When he comes home, he brings jam for Peter and Jane.

Peter and Jane live in a big house.

Mummy looks after them.

Mummy does no work.

Mummy likes gin.

Mummy likes lots of gin.

Daddy brings Mummy more gin.

Daddy gets the gin from a place he calls Scotlandshire.

Daddy says that he owns Scotlandshire and does not have to pay for the gin.

Mummy is happy.

Peter and Jane are happy.

The people in Scotlandshire are not happy.

"Fuck them", says Mummy.

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Dateline Scotland anchormen become the story

By Nick Robbursun-ya-Whore, Our backstabbing, lying and scheming reporter

In a final devastating blow to the nationalists, coming with only a day to go until AlecSammin is elected Scotlandshire dictator forever and ever, further shocking revelations have emerged about the talent fronting the BBC Scotlandshire commissioned “award winning” current affairs show “Dateline Scotland”.

These latest explosive revelations come just days after Ms Briony Laing of Dateline Scotland fame and George Deary of Better Together infamy caused hysteria amongst a devoted British public when they announced their secret wedlock to a world press pack.

Once again the positive case for the Union is broadcast live on the airwaves of Scotland and is proven beyond a reasonable doubt behind the scenes.

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