Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Franco goes to Holyrood

By Noam Passerand, Our Fascism correspondent.

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A delegation from the Spanish government has given evidence to a Scottish government committee concerning the current situation in Catalonia, the BBC has learned.

The SNP government had originally requested that representatives of the Catalonian separatists should attend, in a thinly veiled attempt to stir up trouble in the region. However, Westminster officials interceded and substituted the Spanish delegates, explaining that all Catalonian seditionists had now been sacked and were hiding in Belgium to escape arrest on charges of rebellion, so would be unable to attend.

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PM demands Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on independence declaration

By Fonn N Yoon, our Holyrood Correspondent

Nicola-Sturgeon-cushions

Prime minister Theresa May has demanded that SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on whether she secretly declared independence in a coded message to supporters during her speech to the SNP party conference last week.

Unnoticed by ministers at the time, lexical analysis of the First Minister’s address to conference has shown what appears to be hidden messages in her text which can only be understood by independence supporters, similar to how Cherokee speakers were used to pass coded radio messages in WW2.

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Scotland welcome to remain, says Federation of Planets

By Trip Hazard, our  Space Travel Correspondent.

A Federation Spokesbeing

Following First Minister Nicola Sturgeon's unsanctioned meeting with EC negotiators last week, the European Commission has reiterated its view that Scotland would be welcome to remain within the EU after the UK leaves, but only if it becomes an independent country.

This news came a no surprise to EU watchers as Sturgeon's regular attempts to undermine the UK's negotiating position with Johnny European have made her increasingly popular in foreign parts.

However, On the same day as the Commission's unhelpful intervention, no less an organisation than the United Federation of Planets has stated that Scotland would also be welcome to apply for membership post-brexit.

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Dozens turn down Toary cabinet posts as May strives to stay in power.

By  Toar E Kant, Our Westminster correspondent.

 Sectarian Nutters
 
Following today's revelation by interim Prime Minister, Theresa May, that she will try to form a government with the support of the Ulster Unionists, a number of public figures have revealed that they too were approached with offers to join the Tory cabinet.
 
The BBC has discovered that 'soundings were taken' by senior Conservatives and offers of cabinet posts were discussed with a number of well-known individuals.
 
It is understood that none of those approached was prepared to accept the offer. This channel has tracked down and interviewed several of those concerned.

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Glasgow to declare independence following council election success

 By  Law B Doasser, Our Weegie correspondent.

 freedom-square
 
The SNP group on Glasgow City Council has announced its plans for Sotlandshire's largest city to declare independence from the United Kingdom, after the nationalists were elected as the largest group in Thursday's local elections.
 
James Dornan, an SNP MSP for Glasgow Cathcart, said, "Clearly, Glasgow is now SNP territory. We hold all of the Westminster seats, all of the Holyrood constituency seats and now we are the largest group on the City Council.
 
"The time has come for the great City of Glasgow to show Scotland the way forward by becoming an independent member of the EU.

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EU president rejects Brexit application

By Jonny Uri-Piane, Our EU correspondent.

angry-tusk

Donald Tusk, the president of the European Council, has told the UK government that the EU will not be taking part in the #Brexit negotiations, despite the UK government triggering of Article 50 last month.

The EU politician has rejected the plans outlined by the UK to negotiate their exit from the EU over the next 2 years, saying simply, "Maintenant ce n'est pas le moment."

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BBC releases schedule for new Scottish channel

By R U Fekin-Kidenme, Our Scottishness correspondent.

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BBC Scotlandshire management is proud to present the schedule for the new BBC evening channel in Scotland, which we have decided will be called BBC Scotland in honour of the spoof TV network on the opposite bank of the Clyde.

This channel has been created to provide the 'closest thing to federalism that is possible within the State Broadcaster', in line with the solemn vow made by the Daily Record in 2014. It will feature content which has been specifically created for Scottish viewers by Mentorn Productions Ltd. of Media City, Manchester.

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Nats furious as Tories reveal Brexit means Full English Brexit.

By Brian Kellogg, Our cereal correspondent.

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Scottish seperatists have expressed their anger over revelations made this weekend that Theresa May's government is planning to order the Full English Brexit.

The nationalists were particularly chippy following a remark by proud Scot Liam Fox who, when asked by The BBC's Anne Drumar what part Scoland would play in the Brexit negotiations, said: "We will be going for the full fat English Brexit with mugs of steaming tea and not a coffee or croissant in sight. The porridge munchers will just have to eat their cereal as always".

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Fury as new Cybernat initiative targets our Great British Grannies!

By Yoonie Versalle, Our expert on everything Scotch.

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Union lovers across Britain are incensed at the upcoming launch of a new Separatist website aimed at 'informing' pensioners in Scotlandshire.

The site, which aims to create nationalist propaganda for distribution to the aged and enfeebled, is due to launch, like some cybernat trident missile, immediately after Sunday's anti-union rally in Glasgow, the second city of our Empire.

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English fans celebrate flag-bearer Murray's second gold

By Jon Inverdale BA MPOT, our Political Incorrectness Corespondent.

A small band of England fans.
Thousands of England fans have gathered to celebrate their countryman Andy Murray following his success in the men's singles, where he won the gold medal for the second time. 

Indeed, Murray's first act after winning his match in four sets was to head over to a small band of England fans to thank them for their support - particularly since English supporters were officially barred from the Rio Olympics following the World Cup riots last month.

The group of fans in question had managed to gain entry to the final by disguising their true identity through wearing Scotland jerseys, Jimmy hats and Saltires while chanting 'mon Andy', 'molocate um' and 'yaise yer lob ya fuckin' nob'. (For some unfathomable reason, Scottish fans are welcome everywhere EXCEPT England).

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