Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Search begins for a new U-KOK head

By Coos Erse, Our Breaking Wind Correspondent

coo erseIn a blow to Alicsammin (the only person supporting Scottish splittism), the current failed Chancellor is reportedly searching for a new Superman to head the U-KOK campaign instead of the failed ex-Chancellor.

As always, the loyal readers of BBC Scotlandshire have been recruited to help him out. Our new poll asks which of the potential candidates you would most like to see heading the campaign to save Westminster from humiliating defeat.

Your friends in the Scotlandshire press (unfortunately, the Sunday Herald must now be seen as potentially a subversive organisation, and is being investigated by the Securitate on our behalf) have expressed their gratitude for your responses to our previous poll.

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Separation will destroy our pensions, claims Gordon Brown

By Ray D Ayton-Sands, our Kirkcaldy Correspondent

gordon-brown-madFormer prime minister Gordon Brown will focus on the security of his pensions in an last-ditch attempt to put forward a positive case for Scotlandshire remaining in the UK.

The Labour MP and 'ex-politician' is due to make a speech in Glasgow on Tuesday as part of a week of positive campaigning which will focus on the many disasters which would inevitably follow separation.

Mr Brown said: "In every speech since the referendum was announced I have argued that the strongest case for the union and the greatest benefit to Scottish people is that we are allowed to pool and share our considerable resources with the rest of the United Kingdom.

"In Glasgow I will present detailed findings from new research that shows the multimillion-pound financial dividend this pensioner and his family gains from our membership of the UK.

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Highland power cut was a warning strike from space, claims MoD

By Miss Terskot, our Space Correspondent

spaceA massive power outage which affected over 250,000 properties across the Highlands & Islands was the result of a warning shot from space aliens, claims the Ministry of Defence.

A spokeswoman for energy company SSE told BBC Scotlandshire that the cause was 'out of this world' and that it was still investigating the power failure, which struck late on Wednesday.

However, the UK Secretary of State for extermination of defenceless (but oil-rich) brown people, Philip Hammond MP, has claimed the power cut was a warning shot fired from outer space.

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Mars Attacks! Fifth Columnist revealed

By Milky Weigh, Our Interplanetary Confectionery Correspondent

milibot1In a blow to Alex Salmond, the Defence Secretary for the UK, Phillip Hammond, stunned observers by  revealing top secret information on the existence of Alien aliens,  declaring that a separate Scotlandshire would be more vulnerable to threats - from space.

“We have reason to believe that not only do Martians exist; they have landed and have been probing us. We have had several confirmed cases of probing reported at Eton and Tonbridge and our investigations into the nocturnal goings on there are still ongoing.

“What came as more of a surprise was the discovery of a robot posing as a human to try and gain access to the upper echelons of government. The alien robot, clearly unaware of the political set-up of the UK infiltrated the Labour party rather than the Lib Dems or Tories. Realising its error too late, it has began to try and assimilate support for taking over the UK. Humourless, soulless, and with a plastic sheen... it wasn’t long before we figured out that Ed Miliband was that robot."

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SNP promise Super-Beer and Uber-Boobs

By Boyz Maggs, Our Booze and Tits Correspondent

boozeAs we approach the September referendum date, the debate between the pro-UK parties and the splittist alliance has intensified.

Buoyed by their recent increase in the polls (mainly due to evil cybernats commissioning, designing and being the survey sample for the allegedly splittist alliance controlled PlankBottom polling company), the Nats have pulled out their big guns and launched an appeal to entice the drink sozzled, bleary eyed inhabitants of Scotlandshire to vote ‘Yes’ to tearing the UK to pieces and making everyone in England foreign.

In a move that was initially written off as “mad as a box of frogs” by ‘Better Together’ analysts, the splittist alliance released a graphic showing how Scotlandshire could have an economy equivalent to Norway, Denmark or Sweden; with a comparison of the cost of beer.

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fUK fU*Ked by Irish splittists, while Hammond has a bad trip

By Jen R Haight, Our Energy Correspondent

irish vampireUK plans to source desperately needed renewable energy from any country, other than Scotlandshire, have been thrown into chaos by the former UK province of Ireland.

The splittist rebels in Dublin have told the UK to "feck off", and refused to build 2,300 turbines to feed the English market.

If England stays in the EU, Irish Minister for Energy Pat Rabitte suggested, there would be opportunities for trading energy, but as long as the UK couldn't make up its mind on anything, there was no point in proceeding.

"Scotlandshire would become just one of many countries the UK could turn to for the cheapest and most reliable deal", UK Energy Secretary Ed Davey told a renewable energy conference in Edinburgh last month.

"The UK could buy wind from Ireland, geothermal from Iceland, hydro from Norway, he said.

Energy analysts had already pointed out major flaws in Davey's thinking. The undersea connectors to Iceland and Norway have not been laid yet - and they would make landfall in Scotlandshire anyway.

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Too many windfarms built in windy places, claims Tory moron

By Hugh G. Stait-O'Ner, our countryside correspondent

landownerScotlandshire is host to more than half of the UK's onshore windfarms, to the severe detriment of less windy parts of the UK, claims a senior Scottish Tory idiot.

There are 2,315 wind turbines on land in Scotlandshire, out of a total of 4,350 in the UK, according to data published yesterday. That is more than twice the number in England, which has 1,085.

However, the sheer scale of developments in some of the most blowy parts of the country has led to claims that Scots are being allowed to "enjoy" more than their fair share of wind farms, despite representing only 10 per cent of the UK’s population.

The Scottish Conservatives highlighted the fact that about five million trees – almost one for every person in Scotlandshire – had been cut down to clear space for turbines in the past six years.

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Robertson warns independence would be "the end of my world as we know it"

By Leithal Yak, our resident cartoonist

RobertsonLord Robertson of Port, Malt and Shampers, the man who predicted devolution would be the end of independence, has now claimed that independence would be the end of HIM.

Robertson told a packed conference of US arms dealers that a Yes vote in September's referendum on separation would be catastrophic for the West - at least for that rather well-appointed bit of the West in which he resides.

"Given what I have stated on record about independence, a Yes vote would make me look like a complete tit, an utterly useless and self-serving wanker promoted well beyond my competence by a UK Prime Minister in thrall to his US employers", he told delegates to the Confederation of Republican Arms Purveyors conference in Washington DC.

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Natz politician in pub brawl

By Pintan Ahauf, Our Crime and Alcohol Correspondent

novarReports are reaching us via STV that a Natz MSP provoked an innocent member of the public into grabbing him by the throat in the Novar Bar in Kirkcaldy, following a harangue by the MSP about Scotlandshire leaving the Empire.

Such violence simply demonstrates that U-KOK have adopted the correct strategy by not discussing this difficult idea with real people.

A spokesman for Police Scotlandshire said, "We are following a positive line of inquiry".

BBC Scotlandshire is delighted to think that such an enquiry will lead to MSP David Torrance being charged with "using splittists arguments in a public place, to the distress of Her Majesty's lieges."

However, such a happy outcome is not guaranteed, as there are complex issues that might potentially be involved. Among these are -

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The monstrous regiment of women

By Dick Sarbest, Our Equal Opportunities (for Upper Class, Public School, Men) Correspondent

knoxJohn Knox wrote "The First Blast of the Trumpet against the Monstrous Regiment of Women" in 1558, rightly condemning the intervention of women in the political world.

The issue has had a low profile during the debate on splittism, as polls showed that the majority of those in the population, who lack the critical appendage for the exercise of power, were content to remain dependent.

That changed dramatically with the last two opinion polls showing a cataclysmic increase in the percentage of such people (aka women) who are prepared to abandon dependency in the ludicrous hope that their lives would be improved.

U-KOK head Alastair Darling addressed the problem directly in an extensive speech on BBC London, given in the respectful presence of former interviewer Andrew Marr.

Indicating his close understanding of the common man, Mr Darling told how monstering was still relevant in the 21st century.

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