Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Kezia Dawgdale 'hacked by North Koreans', claim SLabour

By Father Terra Wright, our Fawning SLab Leadership Correspondent

dawgdaleThe BBC wishes to apologise unreservedly to Labour in Scotlandshire's Deputy Dawdale for screening her inaugural questions in last Thursday's FMQ's.

In the coverage broadcast live by this channel, Deputy Dawgdale appeared to blame the Scottish Government for the recent fall in oil prices and the predicted reductions in both production and investment which is widely predicted to follow.

Further, she seemed to claim that the drop in oil prices was somehow a direct result of the projections published by the Scottish Government prior to the Referendum.

Naturally, this would be a preposterous position to take, particularly on your first ever attempt at First Minister's Questions. More particularly if you had just been promoted to Deputy Dawgdale from your previous post of first Fifi le Bon to Lord Ffoulksakes of Tankedupness, and therefore had so very much to prove.

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What the frack is wrong with Westminster's new Infrastructure bill?

By Rt Hon Duryer Hoose MP, our Naked Plunder Correspondent

gas-waterI would like to thank the BBC for allowing me this opportunity to speak with you about the Government's new infrastructure bill which will receive its second reading in the house of Commons on Monday.

As the minister responsible for ensuring the bill is passed without change, I have been given this chance to respond to a number of unjustifiable criticisms which have been levelled primarily by environmentalists and other such undesirable and unwashed swampies.

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Gordon Brown rejects Sainthood to watch the kids

By Eck Umenical, Our Religion and Crazy Cults correspondent

Saint Gordon day dreamsA source close to Gordon Brown MP has exclusively revealed to BBC Scotlandshire that the “Keeper of the Vow” has not only rejected a peerage but has also rejected Sainthood.

It is understood that Mr Brown will reveal this news to a packed audience of close protection staff, his wife and children and specially selected devotees at his North Queensferry home on Christmas Day.

The gathered world press pack will beam this message around the globe as a direct replacement for the Queen’s Speech.

The Natz funded and run Yes Scotlandshire appeared to be winning over the people of Scotlandshire in the dying days of the referendum campaign, with poll after poll showing a lead for AlecSammin’s campaign. It was time for Scotlandshire’s man at Westminster to step into the breach.

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Annabel Goldie saves the day in the Smith Commission

By Auld Swit Sherou, our Dirty Tricks Correspondent

smithPlans to give Holyrood complete control of taxation and spending appear to have been struck out of the Smith Commission's report in the final days before publication.

The BBC has seen a draft of the commission's recommendations which implemented the full powers of Devo Max as had been promised by the leaders of the Better Together campaign in the final weeks of the referendum.

The Draft was from 11:00 on Tuesday and this was the version signed off by the 5 political parties.

These proposals did not make it into the final version although a few of the less controversial provisions survived.

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Danny Alexander to offer Alex Salmond 'a square go' for Highland seat

By Warren Peese, our 'sports Jocks always lose' Correspondent

Alex-beakerIn a shock move, Treasury Minister and LibDem pin up ginger rodent, Danny Alexander, has challenged Alex Salmond to a square go.

The shock move came yesterday after Mr Alexander realised that, with Lib Dem support sinking lower than third-class acommodation in the Titanic, it would be impossible to hold on to his seat at Westminster in any form of democratic vote.

If accepted, it will mean that the normal democratic process is suspended for the Inverness, Nairn, Badenoch & Strathspey seat, and that a winner takes all prize fight at the local Highland Boxing Academy will decide the outcome.

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A Finicky Findlay finally tells it like it is

By Anne Drumar, our Token Professional Correspondent

Dr FindlayThe following is a transcript of an interview by Anne Drumar with Scottish Labour's branch manager hopeful, and renowned intellectual giant of the party, Dr Neil Findlay.

This is the second of a series of experimental interviews by Ms Dumar, who has been employed by BBC Scotlandshire in an attempt to combat a tiny number of accusations of BBC bias which have been levelled at the corporation by swivel-eyed separatist malcontents.

The BBC senior management wants to determine if the addition of a single balanced, neutral and (dare I say it) professional journalist will defuse future accusations of political partisanship. [Don't give the bloody game away! – ED]

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Scottish Government reveals new plans for Trident replacement

By Lars Hadron-Collider, our Nuclear Correspondent

gnatsIn one of his final acts as First Minister, outgoing premier Alex Salmond has announced his plans to replace the ageing Trident nuclear missile system.

At a press conference in Helenburgh, Mr Salmond revealed that the Scottish Government has developed plans to build a new weapon system, which will be installed before the next Scottish independence referendum, planned for 2017.

The First Minister said that the new system would be "fit to defend the nation against all current and future threats, rather than just those of the cold war."

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The Also-Ran Contenders

By Scrimping Cove-Rage, Our Partially Impartial correspondent

His Holiness and the Also-RansOver the last few days BBC Scotlandshire has come under severe and unwarranted criticism for being completely biased for the absolutely wonderful campaign of the Honourable Jim Murphy MP, the leader-in-waiting of the Scotlandshire branch office of Labour and the next First Minister of Scotlandshire.

Responding to this vile CyberNatz campaign against your totally fair and balanced state propagandist and one real true broadcaster of Scotlandshire, Director General Kenny McQuarrel roared: "The number of candidates standing against our choice is two to one against oor Jim.

"If anything that makes it two against one and the one is our man.

"And one of the also-rans has the backing of the archaic unions with all their brothers and sisters nonsense.

"How can that be biased in favour of his greatness Mr Murphy?"

To try to bring a little calm to the Natz section of the Interweb, this reporter has been instructed to write an article that is totally biased towards the other contenders, so here goes.

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It's political strife, Jim, but not as we know it.

By Anne Drumar, our Prevaricating Correspondent.

LONDON CALLING:

murph-bbcThe BBC are proud to be associated with the campaign to elect Jim Murphy to the position of leader of the Labour party branch office in Scotlandshire and our management are happy to endorse Mr Murphy's candidacy.

To this end, we gave him a unique platform on UK-wide TV this morning where he slagged off the SNP made a strong case for why he should be First Minister Branch Manager King of SLab Scottish Leader.

In particular, he explains why a man who spent 9 years studying at a Scottish university, before leaving without a degree, should be placed in charge of Scottish education.

[Hold on Anne, you're going right off message here. Get this crap taken down ASAP: ED]

The following is a transcript of part of the first take of this recorded interview (you surely don't think we'd risk going live with this) which was considered a little too honest revealing to broadcast:

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Jim runs to the rescue of ailing elite

By Broun Noesing, our Hagiography Correspondent

prohibition endJim Murphy is delighted to be entering the leadership contest for Branch Manager of the Labour in Scotlandshire outfit. Initial pre-selection rounds included synchronised avoidance and personal advancement prioritising tasks, which we are led to believe Jim excelled at.

Speaking of his announcement Mr Murphy said : "I'm delighted to be standing for First Minister... what do you mean I need to be an MSP... anyway, I am delighted to be here today representing the Left Wing politics of the Labour Party in this contest.

"I believe that Labour can show a different way of doing things, of working for the welfare of our constituents with an overall cap on the Welfare budget, a household benefit cap and a limit of two years to the time you can spend on the dole as part of our more caring Austerity package.

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Scotland has 59 MPs. Once Murphy is anointed as SLab leader he promises to "stop Labour losing". How good will his promise be?
 

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