Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Mars Attacks! Fifth Columnist revealed

By Milky Weigh, Our Interplanetary Confectionery Correspondent

milibot1In a blow to Alex Salmond, the Defence Secretary for the UK, Phillip Hammond, stunned observers by  revealing top secret information on the existence of Alien aliens,  declaring that a separate Scotlandshire would be more vulnerable to threats - from space.

“We have reason to believe that not only do Martians exist; they have landed and have been probing us. We have had several confirmed cases of probing reported at Eton and Tonbridge and our investigations into the nocturnal goings on there are still ongoing.

“What came as more of a surprise was the discovery of a robot posing as a human to try and gain access to the upper echelons of government. The alien robot, clearly unaware of the political set-up of the UK infiltrated the Labour party rather than the Lib Dems or Tories. Realising its error too late, it has began to try and assimilate support for taking over the UK. Humourless, soulless, and with a plastic sheen... it wasn’t long before we figured out that Ed Miliband was that robot."

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SNP promise Super-Beer and Uber-Boobs

By Boyz Maggs, Our Booze and Tits Correspondent

boozeAs we approach the September referendum date, the debate between the pro-UK parties and the splittist alliance has intensified.

Buoyed by their recent increase in the polls (mainly due to evil cybernats commissioning, designing and being the survey sample for the allegedly splittist alliance controlled PlankBottom polling company), the Nats have pulled out their big guns and launched an appeal to entice the drink sozzled, bleary eyed inhabitants of Scotlandshire to vote ‘Yes’ to tearing the UK to pieces and making everyone in England foreign.

In a move that was initially written off as “mad as a box of frogs” by ‘Better Together’ analysts, the splittist alliance released a graphic showing how Scotlandshire could have an economy equivalent to Norway, Denmark or Sweden; with a comparison of the cost of beer.

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fUK fU*Ked by Irish splittists, while Hammond has a bad trip

By Jen R Haight, Our Energy Correspondent

irish vampireUK plans to source desperately needed renewable energy from any country, other than Scotlandshire, have been thrown into chaos by the former UK province of Ireland.

The splittist rebels in Dublin have told the UK to "feck off", and refused to build 2,300 turbines to feed the English market.

If England stays in the EU, Irish Minister for Energy Pat Rabitte suggested, there would be opportunities for trading energy, but as long as the UK couldn't make up its mind on anything, there was no point in proceeding.

"Scotlandshire would become just one of many countries the UK could turn to for the cheapest and most reliable deal", UK Energy Secretary Ed Davey told a renewable energy conference in Edinburgh last month.

"The UK could buy wind from Ireland, geothermal from Iceland, hydro from Norway, he said.

Energy analysts had already pointed out major flaws in Davey's thinking. The undersea connectors to Iceland and Norway have not been laid yet - and they would make landfall in Scotlandshire anyway.

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Too many windfarms built in windy places, claims Tory moron

By Hugh G. Stait-O'Ner, our countryside correspondent

landownerScotlandshire is host to more than half of the UK's onshore windfarms, to the severe detriment of less windy parts of the UK, claims a senior Scottish Tory idiot.

There are 2,315 wind turbines on land in Scotlandshire, out of a total of 4,350 in the UK, according to data published yesterday. That is more than twice the number in England, which has 1,085.

However, the sheer scale of developments in some of the most blowy parts of the country has led to claims that Scots are being allowed to "enjoy" more than their fair share of wind farms, despite representing only 10 per cent of the UK’s population.

The Scottish Conservatives highlighted the fact that about five million trees – almost one for every person in Scotlandshire – had been cut down to clear space for turbines in the past six years.

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Robertson warns independence would be "the end of my world as we know it"

By Leithal Yak, our resident cartoonist

RobertsonLord Robertson of Port, Malt and Shampers, the man who predicted devolution would be the end of independence, has now claimed that independence would be the end of HIM.

Robertson told a packed conference of US arms dealers that a Yes vote in September's referendum on separation would be catastrophic for the West - at least for that rather well-appointed bit of the West in which he resides.

"Given what I have stated on record about independence, a Yes vote would make me look like a complete tit, an utterly useless and self-serving wanker promoted well beyond my competence by a UK Prime Minister in thrall to his US employers", he told delegates to the Confederation of Republican Arms Purveyors conference in Washington DC.

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Natz politician in pub brawl

By Pintan Ahauf, Our Crime and Alcohol Correspondent

novarReports are reaching us via STV that a Natz MSP provoked an innocent member of the public into grabbing him by the throat in the Novar Bar in Kirkcaldy, following a harangue by the MSP about Scotlandshire leaving the Empire.

Such violence simply demonstrates that U-KOK have adopted the correct strategy by not discussing this difficult idea with real people.

A spokesman for Police Scotlandshire said, "We are following a positive line of inquiry".

BBC Scotlandshire is delighted to think that such an enquiry will lead to MSP David Torrance being charged with "using splittists arguments in a public place, to the distress of Her Majesty's lieges."

However, such a happy outcome is not guaranteed, as there are complex issues that might potentially be involved. Among these are -

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The monstrous regiment of women

By Dick Sarbest, Our Equal Opportunities (for Upper Class, Public School, Men) Correspondent

knoxJohn Knox wrote "The First Blast of the Trumpet against the Monstrous Regiment of Women" in 1558, rightly condemning the intervention of women in the political world.

The issue has had a low profile during the debate on splittism, as polls showed that the majority of those in the population, who lack the critical appendage for the exercise of power, were content to remain dependent.

That changed dramatically with the last two opinion polls showing a cataclysmic increase in the percentage of such people (aka women) who are prepared to abandon dependency in the ludicrous hope that their lives would be improved.

U-KOK head Alastair Darling addressed the problem directly in an extensive speech on BBC London, given in the respectful presence of former interviewer Andrew Marr.

Indicating his close understanding of the common man, Mr Darling told how monstering was still relevant in the 21st century.

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Labour to blow up Glasgow

By Booman Bust, Our Glasgow Labour Correspondent

matheson sausage 2Glasgow Loyalist leader, Gordon Matheson, has threatened to destroy the city by planting explosive smoked sausages in buildings throughout the city, if he is thwarted in his bid to keep the city as a London suburb.

The message will be sent throughout the world as part of the opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games (unless it's raining too hard, or it's a bit windy).

In response to considerable criticism of the proposal, to set explosive charges in various city buildings, then detonate them to celebrate the Games opening, Councillor Matheson said that it was a "brave" decision.

"We in UKOK have listened to the views of the people as expressed in opinion polls. It seems that they have been impressed by 'Braveheart' ideas, and are more willing to take the risk of giving up their security blanket.

"Consequently, we have decided to demonstrate just what risk means. We don't need English Unionists to bomb our cities, us Scottish Unionists can do the job ourselves! To all those thinking of voting to split Glasgow from London I say, 'Are you sure my explosive sausage isn't in some car park where you thought your vehicle was safe? Are you sure it isn't doon the dunny in your tenement? You can have your moment of fame, as we blow you up on world-wide TV!

"To foreigners we say, 'Don't think of Scotlandshire as some Highland idyll. It's full of mad buggers who'd put you at serious risk if you were daft enough to come here - just ask all those foreigners in the Red Road block we say we're leaving alone. They'll soon find out that Scotlandshire is a fu*king dangerous place to come - so avoid the Games, the Homecoming, the Ryder Cup. Stay at home in Kabul where you are safer."

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We'll miss you Margo

From everyone at BBC Scotlandshire







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Barrhead fellow-traveller in flight

By Flieme Taera Moon, Our Travel and Tourism Correspondent

quarintineOfficials at UKOK HQ expressed their horror at the speed with which Barrhead Travel distanced themselves from the comments of director Bill Munro that they would all lose their jobs and become destitutes or prostitutes if the Scots were so insane as to split from the Empire.

Head of UKOK's Ministry of Truth section, Bliar MacDonut, said,"Unfortunately, Mr Munro deviated from the letter that we had circulated to all directors of travel companies to issue to their staff, and put the fear of God/Alastair Darling into them, to vote No."

MacDonut refused to give us a copy of the UKOK sample letter, but as we were leaving, an embarassingly senior Tory Minister in the UK Government, slid us his own annotated copy.

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