Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Where's Willie?

By Forrester Gumptionless, Our teaboy and Liberal Democrat correspondent

Liberal Democrat leader slides in the polls

A nationwide search for Willie Rennie was sparked on Thursday evening when the Scottish Liberal Democrat leader failed to turn up for an election hustings event in Strathmiglo Village Hall.

The women’s anti-austerity group WAAAGH had organised the event and re-organised the event and changed things about on a number of other occasions to ensure Mr Rennie had no excuse for not attending.

Mr Rennie, who grew up in the small North East Fife village where his parents ran the local grocery shop, is standing to become the local constituency Member of the Scottish Parliament on the 5th of May.

For a fleeting moment one WAAAGH woman believed she had spotted Mr Rennie but it turned out to be an overly liberal plate of sausage rolls. He was replaced at the last moment by a tub of lard.

Read more...

 

Union lovers enraged by Scot Gov’s new ‘Troll Tax’

By Lee Gall-Hye, Cub Reporter, iScot magazine

keyboard-warrior
Fans of the UK are furious as they fear they will be targeted by a new financial levy expected to be included in the SNP manifesto for May’s Holyrood election.

The new charge, which will be called the Offensive Internet Behaviour And Mendacity Surcharge (OI-BAMS), will be applied to users of social media who abuse other individuals or post wildly inaccurate information online, particularly in the form of misleading graphs.

Under the new law, colloquially known as the Troll Tax, anyone commenting on the online version of the Hootsmon newspaper or linking to a story in the Daily Record or Daily Mail, could find themselves facing penalties of many thousands of pounds. 

Read more...

 

Tattler to issue clothing guide for top Tories

By Luke Atmatrooz, Our high fashion correspondent

ToriesTattler magazine, the voice of the big swinging nobs of the English establishment, has announced they will be publishing a guide for senior Conservative politicians  to assist them in selecting the correct attire for every situation they are likely to meet.

The announcement follows the ‘dressing down’ given by the Prime Minister to the leader of the Opposition in Wednesday’s PMQ’s when the PM observed that his adversary’s question was unworthy of a response due to his ‘dressing down’.

Read more...

 

It's 'Hands off' as top Tory negotiator simply can't be arsed any more.

By Chi Ting Kantz, our Westminister correspondent

uploads-jan24-image-1-907151099
With just days to go before the deadline for agreement of the Fiscal Framework, the UK government's chief negotiator has decided to go down the pub
instead.

If the two governments fail to strike a deal by next Tuesday, there will be no time for the arrangements to be ratified by Holyrood before the May elections, making the future implementation of the new tax responsibilities, and their impact on the Scottish budget, uncertain.

Read more...

 

Revealed: Secret Scottish Labour plans to split party after Holyrood election

By Slabben Cider, our Compliant Embedded Correspondent

mcleish
The BBC can reveal that the Labour party in Scotlandshire has drawn up emergency plans to split the party in two if they fare as badly as predicted in the May elections for the Scottish Parliament.

On the basis of current polls, SLab is expected to lose all of its constituency MSPs to the #SNPBad and is set to reduce its number of list members as well. Some party managers fear that SLab may even lose their position as the main Holyrood opposition to Ruth Davidson's STory party.

The party's response will be to split the current Scottish branch into two separate parties.

Read more...

 

Labour in Scotlandshire reveal their pre-election spending plans.

By Dr Spin Freallie, our Political Correspondent,

kezianomics
The Leader of the Labour Party's most northerly branch office, Kezia Dug-Dale, has revealed her sub-party's spending plans for May's Holyrood election in a speech given this evening to a packed house in Harthill Rangers Club.

The headline pledges, as have been thouroughly trailed beforehand - not least on hourly broadcasts on this channel, were met with warm appalause from two thirds of the audience, both of whom had come along specifically to get out of the cold.

Read more...

 

Cameron “put private part into dead pig’s head” in bizarre ritual, book claims

By Richard Trotter, our Chief Bestiality Correspondent

Prime Minister carrying out his ministerial dutiesAn unofficial biography of David Cameron written by the former Conservative donor Lord Ashcroft has made a series of claims about his involvement in a drug-taking environment at university.

According to the biography, an MP claims to have seen photographic evidence that Cameron put a “private part of his anatomy” into a dead pig’s head as part of a dining club initiation ritual.

The MP told the authors Cameron attended a dining club called Piers Gaveston, known for its debauchery and named after the lover of Edward II, as well as being part of the Bullingdon drinking club, which was notorious for trashing rooms.

Read more...

 

The rise and fall of Jeremy Corbyn: SNP to blame claims Labour 'insider'

By Lord Lyon Cnut, our Labour Spin Correspondent (well, one of them)

labour-coupAs arch-lefty Jeremy Corbyn surges ahead in the London Labour leadership contest, party managers are preparing to delegitimise his victory while preparing the ground to blame the SNP, an insider has revealed.

An unnamed Labour politician, who says he is speaking to the BBC because he is unhappy at having been sacked as leader in Scotland following the near wipeout of his party, has told the BBC that plans are in place for MPs to stage a coup if Mr Corbyn is elected leader in August.

The group of influential MPs will claim that Corbyn's popularity is illegitimate as it is mainly due to non-Labour supporters taking advantage of the 'pay for a say' promotion which was introduced as part of the one member one vote changes which replaced Labour's electoral college.

Read more...

 

If I lose I'll join the SNP, warns Corbyn

By Nigel T Ranter, our Westminster Bubble Correspondent

jimmy-corbynLabour leadership hopeful Jeremy Corbyn has told the BBC that, if he fails to become leader of his party, he will consider resigning from Labour and joining the SNP.

Currently the front runner in the leadership contest, there have been rumours within the UK Labour party of a plot by Blairite MPs to dethrone him should he top the poll in August. There have also been calls to curtail the leadership contest if he looks likely to win the vote.

He told this reporter: "I hope the parliamentary party can find it within itself to return to Labour's traditional values before it disappears altogether like the Lib Dems. The membership gets that, the unions get that, but I fear the majority of the Labour establishment may be already lost to us.

Read more...

 

Better Together II: 3 blackwhite goodthinkers vs 1 plusleft unperson

By Telit Lycadiz, Our Guest Cybernat Political Correspondent

labour leadersThe recent General Election campaign and the subsequent Labour leadership hustings have proven that, for some politicians at least, what they say bears no relation whatever to what they think and what they do.

Not since the publication of George Orwell's masterpiece 1984 has there been such an attempt to distort the very meaning of language by the political classes.

For example, in his first truly Tory budget, blue in tooth and claw, George Osborne added a few pence to the minimum wage and called it the National Living wage – something which already exists and looks nothing like his new and unimproved version.

But perhaps that was simply a wee mistake brought about by the overinhalation of white powders from the naked bodies of sex workers, or what is now known in the House of Lords as the Sewel Principle.

Read more...

 

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