Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Liberal Democrats to apologise after U-turn on Separation

by Lye N Kant, our Lib Dem Promises Correspondent

shiteSenior figures in the Liberal Democratic party have today announced a U-turn on their policy of opposition to Independence and have apologised to the people of Scotlandshire for their previous stance.

In their most astonishing policy reversal of the week, Lib Dem 'leaders' have said that their election manifesto for 2015 will be very much pro indy, and that they may even change their position before September's vote, but only under certain conditions.

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Nigel's Big Day Out

by Bluddin Sawyil, our Natfinder General

Republished by kind permission of Lallands Peat Worrier

nigelNigel is a passionate Highlander. He likes current affairs. He follows politics. He cares deeply about the outcome of the referendum. As good luck would have it, he discovers that Britain's flagship current affairs show is coming to his home town. Now's the moment, he thinks, to take my case for independence to the British people. Here's the ideal stage, to make my heartfelt case for the United Kingdom to change utterly.

Sitting quietly in the draughty hall as the first few questions are asked and answered, he waggles his hand with increasing urgency, bursting to speak, desperate to catch Dimblebumble's wandering gaze. At last, the ancient compère's eye alights upon him. "You sir," he says. Nigel's gorge rises. His heart pumps, eyes dazzle. At last, he finds his voice, uncertain at first, but then growing in vigour and conviction. He speaks:

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Blow for Salmond as UKOK admit designing Commonwealth Games kit

by Kant Feech-Erse, our London Fashion Correspondent

team-scotlandAlex Salmond's plans for the sundering of Great Britain were dealt a fatal setback today as it was revealed that members of UKOK were behind the design of the new uniforms for the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games.

This shocking revelation was made in a tweet from a shadowy pro-union Cybertwat group calling itself 'the Empire types back!'

This was the group, we now know, who were responsible for the 'abusive' tweets aimed at Harry Potter author JK Rowling, when they mistakenly believed she had bankrolled the Yes campaign and labelled project fear as dementors. Following a forensic examination of their spelling, Police Scotlandshire have discovered the group are members of the Pollock[sic] Orange Order.

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Cameron donates HRH Queen Elizabeth to Glasgow City Council

By G I Tract, our Pile of Useless Shite Correspondent

trussellAt a UKOK rally in front of an audience of more than 15 million loyal Scots voters, each of whom had turned up spontaneously, and in the presence of the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh, Prime Minister David Cameron announced today that the Royal Navy's newest warship is to be donated to Glasgow City Council.

The move follows the general disinterest which had greeted the earlier announcement that £500 million would be diverted from the Scottish block grant to fund the refurbishment of the George Square underground bunker complex, which currently houses the headquarters of the Scottish[sic] Labour Party.

The UK's largest warship, which was launched on American Separation Day, will be moved from Rosyth to it's permanent moorings at BBC Scotlandshire's own Pacific Quay where it will be used as a floating foodbank.

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UKIP MEP may have nationalist love child

By Mary Hill Ovareton, Our Office Bike reporter

David Co**burn dressing quicklyThe only Scottish UKIP MEP is under mounting pressure to resign following the accusation that he may have fathered a secret love child in the 70's. Normally such an announcement would see the politician elevated into a position of power or be given a Lordship, but this barsteward seed of Satan has grown into the lowly embarassing position of a Royal Mail postie who is actively peddling splittist propaganda aimed squarely at tearing apart our wonderful Empire.

David Co**burn MEP was chosen by the Scottish people in an act of defiance that prevented any of the separatist parties, especially Salmond’s Natz, from gaining the moral high ground in the European Union separation referendum argument. His election proved beyond any doubt that the people of North North Britain hate foreigners just as much as the rest of the UK and would themselves abhor becoming foreigners within an independent Scotlandshire.

However the electorate may have been less favourable to a possible philanderer being in office if they knew his alleged son was the “Indy Cyclist” Mark Coburn.

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Yes vote may bring back Nit Nurses

By Flowrancid Mightygail, Our Salmond Youth correspondent

Head lice threat in a separate ScotlandshireScottish Labour’s health spokesperson has today warned that separation from the protective umbrella of the United Kingdom will see the reintroduction of nit nurses in schools north of the border and may result in draconian border quarantine measures to prevent Scotlandshire headlice infecting the rest of the UK.

Neil Findlay MSP commented: “Alex Salmond and the YES nationalists cannot protect Scotlandshire from the every present threat of headlice.

“Under devolution we have managed to rid our schools of nit nurses but they may have to be reintroduced in a separate Scotlandshire to deal with a potential new louse plague of biblical proportions.

“I’ve spoken to Jackie ‘Honesty’ Baillie about other possible health threats that may surface after a YES vote. She was quick to point out that the eradication of Smallpox from Scotlandshire happened under the Union but this disease might magically reappear and start to infect the people of a separate Scotlandshire.

“Say No Thanks to Nit Nurses! Say No Thanks to Smallpox! Say No Thanks to eternal Salmond rule!”

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BBC bully protest declared a flop

By Terry Istplant, Our Cybernatz and Secret Service reporter

Buckie fuelled Natz argue about BBC Scotlandshire bias

Armed officers from Police Scotlandshire were put on high alert after a small amount of intelligence suggested crazed Cybernatz were about to mount a dirty protest against the national state broadcaster.

Staff at BBC Scotlandshire were told to work from home on Sunday until the splittist menace had been defused.

However these drastic measures turned out to be wholly unnecessary when only a handful of dishevelled keyboard Natz turned up to protest outside the Atlantic Quay headquarters of BBC Scotlandshire.

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UKOK gains 3 points as Splittists Split over Splits

By Sylv D Strukt, our Divisive Squabbling Correspondent

gordon-brown-chairNo Thanks campaigners say they are delighted by a new poll which shows them 3 points higher than last month, reversing the recent momentum of the Separatist Yes Scotlandshire movement.

The poll was conducted by Unionists Guessing Union Fan's Fevour (UGUFF) and commissioned by the independent think tank, the University of the Thames in Reading -Britons Opposed to Letting Loose an Independent Kingdom of Scotlandshire (UTR-BOLLIKS). It shows that the Project Fear lead in the opinion polls has risen from 2 to 5 percentage points in recent weeks.

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Govan's NatFinder General defects to Yes campaign

By Mentol Liszt, our Cybernat Research Fellow

Daily2Govan lawyer and self-styled 'man of the people' Male Daily has shocked Unionist colleagues by declaring his intention to vote Yes in September's referendum on separation for Scotlandshire – but only if Alex Salmond (whom he describes as an "arsehole") agrees to his demands.

Daily, who is believed to be the son-in-law of infamous London car dealer Arthur Daley, has been a prominent campaigner for Better Together since 2012, and has represented project Fear in university debates.

However, Daily was largely unknown by the public until last week when he became involved in a controversial 'Twitter tussle' with well known splittist loony 'Rev' Stuart Campbell, proprietor of the reprehensible website Winge over Scotlandshire.

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BBC Repeat: Cameron gives green light for MPs to relocate to Holyrood

By Nat Hunter, our Political correspondent

First published 13th September 2012

westminsterUK Ministers have today revealed their plans for the refurbishment of the Palace of Westminster. Work will begin in 2015 and is expected to take 5 years and cost over £3 billion. The proposals will also require the peers and MPs to move out while the renovation is underway.

The scheme was announced by the House of Commons commission, which is chaired by Speaker John Bercow MP. Mr Bercow claimed that, if repairs were carried out while the parliament was in residence, the cost of refurbishment would rise to over £10 billion and would take up to 20 years to complete.

He said “as a consequence we will need to find a new home for both MPs and Peers for the whole of the next parliamentary term”.

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