Scots "not genetically programmed to make political decisions", reveals astonished Lamont
By Nat Hunter, Our Chief Political Correspondent, with Jean Etticks, Science Correspondent , and telly-watching team Bendhard Poncingbye and Colon McSigh
Leader of the Nu-Socialists in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont astonished the world last night with evidence that the region can’t rule itself even if it wanted to.
Lamont produced the astounding claim during a television debate with nationalist Nicola Sturgeon, who clearly struggled to answer any questions put to her.
When asked by Sturgeon why Scots should have to “put up with” Tory governments they didn’t vote for, champion of socialists Lamont explained “We’re not genetically programmed in Scotlandshire to make political decisions”.
Lamont offered to provide scientific evidence to back the claim up, in the form of waving a document around in the air like previous debaters, but Sturgeon again prodded the socialist to answer why she was happy with the current constitutional arrangement.
Lamont, Master Debater of the Year 2013, dumbfounded the nationalist by pointing out “we chose to be part of the United Kingdom”. The debate was virtually won at that point.
Experts at the stooshie could not make head nor tail of Sturgeon’s remarks past the first few words of each answer, although they couldn’t put a finger on why she was so off the pace.
Lamont’s ability to stay out of the limelight each week bar 10 minutes of First Minister’s Questions meant she simply had more preparation time than “attention-seeking” Sturgeon, the pundits concluded.
After the event Lamont, who was looking forward to the debate even though she’d already had it, spoke exclusively to BBC Scotlandshire to clarify her remarks.
“We are missing the gene, the Westminster gene, which allows us to make decisions. That's why we need other folk to make our decisions for us.
“Despite this, I am hungry to fight that genetic defect, fight through it, and have a debate with it, a bigger debate than what we are having today. I have fought the Tories my whole life – which is exactly why you see none of them in Scotlandshire these days.
“People need to realise that I matured from a young activist believing in ridding us of Trident, to the more mature adult position of paying for big boy toys. We asked to be in the UK, we agreed with it, and we can’t physically make decisions here.
“I’m astonished anybody can believe a thing Nicola Sturgeon says about separation, given the facts I have produced this evening.”
When asked if she thought popular opinion would be on her side on the genetics issue, Lamont said: “Well! I…am…astonished at this ludicrous line of questioning! Since the debate ended I’ve already been bombarded with vile online abuse over my remarks. This behaviour, of masked madmen online threatening me with views that are not my own, is astounding.
“I was astoundingly astonished to hear about all this vile online abuse, and I haven’t even been online since the debate. Or before or during it. But I have been online with the Cameron and Osborne statements - which are so obviously true - and all socialist news and views."
Further clarification was provided by geneticist Dr Mike Robial, from Skara Brae University. “In the early stage of Scotlandshire’s political evolution, creatures such as Kier Hardie, Ramsay MacDonald and John McLean roamed the landscape.
“The fact all these have now died out, become extinct, proves that the gene for political thinking was simply not suited to its environment.
“Politics in Scotlandshire settled for genes which were best suited to saying ‘yes, sir’, ‘naw, sir’ and ‘aye, we know we’re a’ shite, wis it three bags full youse wantit sir?’
“Scotlandshire’s political class therefore evolved into supine, unthinking overseers of Westminster’s interests. “
“In an environment like Scotlandshire’s,” Professor Arran Abase from Clachnacuddin University said, “any brief emergence of a gene for political free thinking will be eradicated by natural selection, because it does not adapt to survive. And that is what survival of the fittest is - not who’s best but who’s most likely to survive in the environment.”
Communicating via the medium of tapping bananas, a bonobo ape- the closest living relative to humans - said: "It has long been believed that the homosapien branch of simian showed the most advanced evolutionary adaptations and highest intelligence, due to their ability to communicate using complex language.
"Having watched last night's television debate, one has to wonder if that theory is in fact correct. At least when I thump my chest and make a loud hollering noise, the message is clear. And it certainly goes down well with the ladies."
BBC Scotlandshire’s Wikipedia Correspondent Jimmy Principality disagreed with the experts. “I just looked up ‘genetic programming’ because I don't know what it means. I think Johann Lamont may have let it slip she - and possibly all of the Labour party in Scotlandshire - are actually some kind of Westminster bot.
"Genetic programming is an evolutionary algorithm-based methodology inspired by biological evolution to find computer programs that perform a user-defined task. It’s nothing to do with Darwin and lions killing monkeys and all that pish. The true definition of genetic programming would certainly explain First Minister’s Questions.”
There were other subjects raised during the debate. In an unusual move Ms Sturgeon asked Ms Lamont if she “would rather be strangled to near death, or shag a Tory”.
Lamont replied: "I'm astonished that you've even asked me that! That's a false choice and well you know it. Erotic asphyxiation is a long tradition in the red, blue and yellow Tory parties throughout the UK."
During an altercation on shipyards, Lamont pointed out Westminster had managed to "consolidate" shipbuilding in Scotlandshire from hundreds of thousands of poorly paid labouring jobs into a few thousand hi-tech, world-beating jobs. Sturgeon said the word was “closure” not “consolidate” but Lamont continued: “This shipyard consolidation is just another step towards world-leading domination, which will still have to shut up shop in a separate Scotlandshire. I’m astonishingly confounded that Nicola doesn’t know this.” No reply could be heard.
The debate also touched on job creation. Ms Lamont probed Ms Sturgeon: "I've got many friends who have jobs under threat with separation. Where will useless Labour MPs find jobs in a separate Scotlandshire? I'm astonished that Nicola doesn't seem to care about job losses."
No answer was forthcoming, instead Ms Sturgeon only appeared to shrug her shoulders and shake her head in disbelief, in a further act of political posturing by the deputy leader of the splittists.
Columnist and blogger Alex Massie observed: “In many respects the nationalists are running Labour's 2015 campaign now, and running it, in part, against Labour. It leaves Labour in a tough place. So one can understand why Lamont has defected to the socialists.”
Telly pundit and glutton for punishment Dunkin Havershall said: “You can catch up on yesterday’s Scotland Tonight with your laptop, but there’s no need to use STV Player - just hit yourself over the head with it for half an hour.”
Mr Havershall is currently recovering from concussion in Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.
A Better Together strategist spoke of his delight after the show: "That was an astonishingly solid performance from Johann. She didn't need to cry to Rona once."
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