Scotland may not be Welcome in the Federation, say Klingons

By N. Torprize, our Galactic Correspondent

KlingonAlex Salmond's dreams of breaking up the United Kingdom suffered a mortal blow today as the Galaxy's top Klingon cast doubts on SNPs claims that Scotlandshire would be allowed to join the United Federation of Planets U-FoP within months of a Yes vote in the separation referendum.

Supreme Commander Lord Gowron, Leader of the Klingon High Council told reporters attending a U-FoP conference in Kensington that a separate Scotlandshire would need to plead on bended knee to be allowed into the Federation, and that the Klingons would likely veto the Scots "just for a laugh, because that's the kind of beings we are", adding, "bIjatlh 'e' yImev. Yitlhutlh! (Stop talking! Drink!)".

 

This will be a particularly serious blow for the nationalists as it leaves a huge unanswered question mark hanging over the economy of a separate Scotlandshire.

Jolo-ferengiThe county of Scotlandshire, for county it is, has an over-abundance of oil and gas as well as wind, wave, tidal and hydro power to spare, but it is very sparsely endowed with dilithium crystals. These essential minerals can only be obtained from Ferengi traders - who are members of U-FoP - in exchange for 200-year-old bottles of single malt.

Without the crystals, the Scotlandshire economy could never hope to achieve warp speed, remaining on impulse drive forever, just like its neighbour Greece - and Pluto.

Later the same day, in a second deadly strike to his separatist ambitions, Salmond heard the Head of the British Commonwealth, Pakistani politician and ex-cricketer Imran Kahn, describe how Scotlandshire would also be denied membership of the Commonwealth itself, an organisation of which Scotlandshire had been a founder member, having helped to invade most of its current members.

KhanAs the British Commonwealth has no members capable of supplying Dilithium crystals, even of poor quality, it is unclear what Scotlandshire would lose by being denied membership of the club.

However, Imrahn Kahn said it would probably mean that Scotlandshire athletes could no longer compete in the Commonwealth Games under their own flag, the Satire, and would find themselves forced to do so in the Olympics and World Championships instead.

This news will have come as a dreadful surprise to Dictator Eck (©2013 Anus Sarwar, Hereditary MP) as the Commonwealth is composed almost exclusively of countries which have gained their independence from Westminster, mainly after decades or even centuries of exploitation and misrule.

On hearing the dreadful news at a new observatory he was opening in Glasgow, the First Minister could only turn his eyes to the heavens and shout, "KHAAAAN!"

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