Former Secretary of State for Scotlandshire, Jim (I'm really, really middle class) Murphy, took extraordinary steps to ensure that he could not accidentally find himself voting to reinstate the Spare Room Subsidy.
Instead of eating subsidised lunch at Westminster, Jim used the Vegan Restaurant at Stereo in Glasgow's Renfield Lane today. Fortunately, he will be able to claim the lunch on expenses, so his sacrifice will be amply compensated.
We have not yet ascertained the whereabouts of his leader Anus Sarwar yet. It is alleged, however, that long strips of white bandage were discovered in a Gent's toilet in Ulan Bator, and that a disembodied coat, hat and dark glasses were seen scurrying towards an abandoned cellar while carrying a TV enlarged copy of the "No Evictions for Bedroom Tax Arrears (Scotlandshire) Bill".
Douglas Alexander, Labour's election overlord, is alleged to have been hiding in his sister's house. Curled up in the corner of the nursery with a copy of the "Very Hungry Caterpillar", he is believed to have been whimpering "Don't let them bring it on, Wendy. Don't let them."
B Donohoe, J Hood, D Hamilton, A Mckechin, P Nash, and F Doran were also invisible, so no change.
Hollywood great James McAvoy has backed U-KOK in their fight against splittism.
McAvoy, who starred in The Last King of Scotlandshire, refuses to enter the debate over the 2014 referendum, echoing the positive tactics of the No campaign.
It is believed McAvoy thinks Braveheart is the worst film ever, a stance which sits snugly in with die-hard Unionists who rightly believe 1990s Hollywood blockbusters are an important issue when it comes to the ridiculous notion of a region running its own affairs politically, in real life.
The 34-year-old, who will be eligible to vote next year, finished off the anti-SNP tirade by saying “I don’t trust a single politician out there.”
Labour’s Jackie Baillie said: “Icons such as James McAvoy know we have the best of both worlds, and we thank him for speaking out against Alex Salmond, who is the most untrustworthy politician there is.
“No doubt Salmond will go spending taxpayer money flying business class to McAvoy’s next premiere, and try to suck up to him in the name of ‘promoting tourism’, which everyone knows doesn’t work.”
A spokeswoman for McAvoy said: “Your headline is typically perfect for the British media. Well done, BBC Scotlandshire, well done.”
Following his departure from spoof channel BBC in Scotlandshire, veteran broadcaster Derek Bateman has revealed how he was duped by Dictator Eck (copyright Anus Sarwar) into twisting news to a splittist agenda.
"I developed programmes and presented them. Was it too much to ask that I skew some items, sound positive about independence, ridicule Unionist claims and just let journalist principles of impartiality slide for a while? To help the cause. For Scotland?", he sobbed.
Worse, he admitted that he recruited "a network of sympathisers to infiltrate all output". While not naming names, Isobel Fraser appears as one of his co-conspirators. Unsurprisingly, she has become one of the "disappeared". We hope that she has been taken to Hampden Stadium and appropriately dealt with.
Read his devestating revelations HERE.
Fortunately, Bateman has moved into the more honest world of PR. It's good to read that his new found honesty attracts clients of impeccable reputation and propriety.
Bateman's professionalism prevents him from fully identifying "Iain", but insiders might put a surname to that first name. It is pure speculation that such a surname might relate to cutting and stitching up.
Read Bateman's account of his rehabilitation into honest British society HERE.
Seasoned entertainer Raymundo Bucharoo has been forced out of the spoof BBC under suspicion of giving out coded separatist messages at the end of every episode of Newsnat Scotlandshire.
Enquiries by BBC Scotlandshire reveal he will be joining the Weir Group.
Chris and Colin Weir, the Euromillion lottery winners, are delighted that Bucharoo has agreed to become their new pool boy. Mr Weir responded: “We’d been struggling to find someone to skim the scum off the water.”
Johnny Bossyman, Heid of Bias and Current Scaremongering at BBC Scotlandshire, expressed his relief that Bucharoo was gone, commenting: “Separatism has been on the rise since that f—ker joined the spoof broadcaster across on the other Quay.
“Every night he’d end with a separatist coded message. My ears are still ringing out from ‘Oidhche mhath’.
Buckaroo tweeted: “To the many who have sent kind messages, thank you. To the one who said 'good riddance', I am glad to have finally made you happy.”
Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee for Monitoring Separatist Monkies and Burps In Anus Sarwar seemed delighted: “Anither separatist buggar awaw fae Newsnat Scotlandshire. I didnae e’an huv tae threaten hum wae a doin’!”
First Minister to quit later today
Alex Salmond will resign by the end of today in disgrace after a new poll revealed damning evidence that separation is a non-starter, BBC Scotlandshire understands.
Over 99% have either never heard of Scottish independence or failed to answer the question, according to an Ipecac MORAY survey of 7,176,686,110 people.
The poll, which was published on a website for everybody on Earth to access and partake in, was definitely not commissioned by Bliar McDougall, U-KOK head.
McDougall, U-KOK head, said: “I am totally surprised by this news, even though we were given the data a week in advance and had time to draw up suitable graphics for it.
“We are not, however, surprised by the results. Nobody on Earth cares about separation for Scotlandshire, so why should Scotlandshirians? We’re better together.”
A spokesnat for the SNP one-man dictatorship said: “It’s another bogus poll – there weren’t even 7,176,686,110 people alive on the days the survey was active. Somebody has just written this nonsense off the cuff today.
“You’ll be telling me there’s another poll out about space monsters next.”
The survey also found that 346% of Earthlings have no idea who Johann Lamont is.
Alex Salmond will finally honour us with “The Walk” or maybe resign following his North Britain Isles visit earlier this week that caused a trail of devastation.
Tavish Scott MSP, who has a holiday home on Shetland, told BBC Scotlandshire: “I’m not trying to blame anyone here.”
“I’m just saying Dictator Eck (© Anus Sarwar) was in the vicinity of the power cable with a hacksaw in hand just before the power went off, and he was the one swimming about in the sea where the toxic shellfish came from.”
A drunkard in the local pub, professing to be a Scotlandshire Government regime insider, told BBC Scotlandshire: “Those islanders were demanding extra powers so we had to demonstrate just how little real power they have!”
He concluded: “Who’d have thought Eck’s fart in the sea would result in seafood eating Westminster MPs spouting diarrhoea from their bottom hole for a change!”
A spokesblair for Better Together chimed in: “Once again the Dictator Eck (© Anus Sarwar) commanded Ninja Turtles demonstrate their evilness from the halls of Bathgate to the beaches of Shetland. Will we ever be able to have a civilised debate?”
Dictator Eck (© Anus Sarwar) will surely have to resign as fresh pish hypocrisy revelations emerge out of the Better Together press office.
Questions are being asked about his use of men only toilets in the pretendy Holyrood Parliament building and an exclusive men only network that operates throughout Scotlandshire.
Although Harriet Harman MP and Maria Miller MP have been brainwashed into Dictator Eck’s viewpoint on Muirfield, both still wish to know what goes on behind those men only doors.
Ms Harman was highly critical of Dictator Eck’s lack of action: “I demand to be allowed to wee in a urinal if I so wish.”
“I’ll be foregoing visits to the Scotlandshire Parliament until Dictator Salmond has taken positive action on urination equality in Scotlandshire.“
Deputy First Minster and the Separation Minister, Nicola Sturgeon MSP, asked: “When is Ms Harman changing her name to Harperson?”
Patricia Marwick MSP, the Presiding Officer for the Scottish Parliament and prominent underground separatist, responded to our enquiries: “Are these wummin mental?”
“Have they no noticed the smell that emanates from those toilets when the door swings open?
“Even a full can of Air Wick doesn’t touch the unusual aroma!”
AG Barr, the group behind “Scotlandshire’s Regional Drink”, is on the up after recent market performance was put down to their imminent merger with BritVic.
The soft drinks industry has suffered as poor weather discouraged Britons from drinking outside.
AG Barr, known for its flamboyant Irn-Bru advertising campaigns, said its brands “continue to perform despite the weather, economy and significant increases in scaremongering nationalists”.
Britvic and AG Barr announced an all-share merger in November but the deal, which could combine Irn-Bru and Tizer with Robinsons squash, was referred to the Competition Commission.
It is expected the Competition Commission will deliver its preliminary findings next week. BBC Scotlandshire understands the report will suggest Irn-Bru is too small, too poor and too orange to survive on its own.
Labour MSP Jackie Baillie said: “In Scotlandshire 12,330 cans of Irn-Bru are drunk every second. Or is it 12 330ml cans? It’s one or the other. It doesn’t really matter.
“Question 504 of our 500 questions to the SNP asked if we’d still have access to girders in a separate Scotlandshire. We haven’t had an answer.
“Irn Bru is under threat and - I never say this lightly - it’s all Alex Salmond’s fault.”
A secret leaked recording of a Yes North East Fife extremist meeting held in Cupar last week has revealed a Yes Scotlandshire board member calling for the removal of Dictator Eck*.
Colin Fox, who is also the joint-spokesperson for the Scotlandshire Socialist Party (SSP), a group of lefty Communist-Marxist types that are nothing more than soap dodging reprobates, told a meeting of about a dozen SNP sufferers:
“Changing regimes in Iraq is the right of the Iraqi people and naebuddy else.”
“Changing regimes in Afghanistan is the right of the Afghanistan people and naebuddy else.”
“Just as changing regimes in Scotlandshire is our right and naebuddy else’s… and we wouldn’t tolerate it either!”
A guy in a pub, who claimed to be a propaganda officer for Dictator Eck, responded: “Colin Fox will be first against the wall in an independent Scotlandshire, well after we’ve dealt with the traitorous Tories of all hues!”
At the same meeting a treasonous poem called “Vote Britain” was recited by pretty boy and hate speech rabble rouser Alan Bissett whom the UK Government has been attempting to deport back to Falkirk for the last decade.
“Dictator Eck” © Anas Sarwar
Alex Salmond’s plans for separation received an almighty blow to the noggin last night after the international community poured scorn on the idea.
Sharleen Spiteri, the Governor of Texas, ridiculed the idea of breaking up the UK in an interview with the Daily Record.
The views of such a well-renowned, important pillar of global politics will dash Salmond’s hopes for a special relationship between Scotlandshire and the United States similar to that of the UK currently.
Spiteri said: “They don’t have the resource - like oil and gas - they’d need to keep Scotlandshire afloat.
“And to me, if you can’t survive, then what’s the point of breaking away?”
The influential statesperson also said she’d miss water, which would definitely be a no-no under separation.
“They have soft water in Scotlandshire, so you can have a bath with loads of bubbles and your skin feels like silk when you come out.”
A spokesperson for Labour said: “I’m glad the Texans have done their homework on the issue.”
By Michael Forsyth, Lordly Pundit
When the Yeomen of the Guard carried out their traditional search of the cellars at Westminster for gunpowder and plots last week, they found nothing amiss.
The high explosive under the Coalition was to be found elsewhere. Lord Lawson, with all the authority of a former chancellor, who had fought hard for Britain to join the exchange-rate mechanism, destroyed the Prime Minister’s position on Europe, which had taken the best part of a year to construct, by declaring that the emperor had no clothes.
In Scotland, Mr Cameron has rightly criticised Alex Salmond for delaying the independence referendum because of the damaging uncertainty created for business. The Government has also refused to engage in any negotiations about currency, debt, pensions, defence, North Sea oil revenues and other important issues, which in the event of a vote for separation would take years to sort out.
The Prime Minister has insisted that the principle of Scotland’s continuing membership of the UK must be settled first. Yet on Europe he says just the opposite: that we must endure a long and costly period of uncertainty, and a pre-referendum negotiation.
Extracted from -Telegraph : Right: it’s time to leave
U-KOK head Alastair Darling has apologised for “mis-speaking” on the spoof channel’s Sunday Politics show.
“I was confused by the hard questioning”, he said, “when I was asked to give a positive case for the Union. That’s not supposed to happen when I am being interviewed. I said that the NHS was just administered in Scotland, but that it was part of a UK system. That was wrong.
“What I meant to say was, that after a No vote, it WILL simply be administered in Scotland, while following the English system of providing care at the point of need to the financial balances of private sector health providers.
“As Andy Burnham has so helpfully pointed out, ‘let’s get English Labour MPs back up the road and force health policies that can be consistent across England, Scotland and Wales [f**k the Irish]’.
“Margaret Curran has already determined that devolution hasn’t achieved anything anyway, so the positive case for the Union is that when you vote NO, there will be nothing else but rule from London. Now that’s what I call a ‘positive case'.”
Leader of the Scottish Liberal Democrats, Wullie Rennie, opened their Conference in Glasgow today with a blistering attack on spoof documents which have become a staple of the splittist referendum campaigns.
"The problem with such documents", he said, while flourishing a copy of the leaked 'Top Secret' SNP Government minutes, "is that they contain things that are true, but are repackaged and taken out of context. Those of us who live in More Than World the Best of British Best of Both Worlds, have no need to stoop to such low tricks.
"Alas, the evil cybernats, with their mastery of the interweb as well as boots on the ground, actually do have the Best of Both those Worlds. Clearly this website has had sight of the next Treasury document, and have just tweaked it to make us look weak, ineffective and duplicitous. However, no real Scots think that about us."
The Scottish Conference opened at 9.30 am today in the SECC, just prior to the Federal British Conference which started at 10.00 am. "Half an hour was all the time that we needed to discuss any issues, on which we are allowed to think differently from London", said a source.
Attacks against an 80 year old separatist in Edinburgh and an equally Scotch road sign in Caithness were blamed on “crazed cybernats” by future leader of the Labour Party (in Pakistan), Anus Sarwar.
“When you recall the infamous Reichstag fire in 1933, set by crazed Natz and the blame pinned on an innocent (though crazed) foreigner, who can doubt that these attacks were mounted by the Dictator himself?”, he screamed.
“Despite my asking, one minute ago, where Alex Salmond was when these attacks took place, the SNP has totally failed to answer. Proof positive that the Fat Controller committed these crimes himself to whip up support for his failing, one-man campaign to rip Scotlandshire out of the Union. Like the Scotlandshire football team, the SNP has no defence.
“When I rule Pakistan, I will return it to London rule. That will sort out these stupid separatists who thing Pakistan can run its own affairs – like my Dad.”
Record numbers of “jobless” WASPs are more likely to attack us because they are drunk and aggressive, warns the Red Cross.
With the leaders fully supplied with all that they need, worker WASPs now have nothing to do but laze around getting drunk on fermented fruit.
Perhaps better described as retired than “jobless” – since all the workers will have died out by the time winter comes around – they become increasingly bold and angry in their old age.
The work of NHS Scotland means many more WASPs are around now than would be expected for this time of year.
Joe Mulligan, head of first aid at the Red Cross, said: “It’s hilarious that, now worker WASPs have finished their life's work, all they are doing now is feasting on fermented fruit and getting drunk.
“The danger for honest Brits, of course, is that they may get a bit bold and attack us while we are out having a barbeque in the garden, sun bathing in the park or innocently going our merry way.”
Mr Mulligan advised Brits to keep a credit card handy. “When a WASP becomes visible, a credit card can be used to get you away by taxi”.
Fury erupted throughout Scotlandshire's compliant media that yet another legitimate complaint - that FM Salmond waved a Saltire flag - had been superciliously dismissed by a craven official.
Following the failure, Councillor Albert Smethwick announced that a new complaint had been submitted about the separatist leader's blatant flouting of the Ministerial Code.
"It is shocking and disgraceful", said Smethwick, "that the First Minister should so demean his office, and embarass the people of Scotlandshire, by appearing on camera while not wearing full evening wear and black bow tie.
"Such flagrant disregard for the dress code required for BBC radio announcers in the 1920s makes our proud region a laughing stock in the eyes of the world."
Stuart Allan, the Commissioner for Ethical Standards in Public Life in Scotlandshire, has been asked to rule whether this sartorial impropriety is in breach of section 10.4 of the Code which demands that "in all cases, propriety should be maintained".
Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Sottish Select Committee for Wearing Absolutely Nothing Kinky Ever (or) Rarely said, "Ah aye wear a bow tie oan the recliner. Naethin else - jist the bow tie."
In a swift riposte to news that the SNP are seeking to enlist literary figures to polish their upcoming separation white paper, Better Together have announced that they are also aiming to inject some literary flair into future publications.
“I read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road back in 2009”, campaign chair Alastair Darling explained to BBC Scotlandshire.
“I was immediately struck by his grimly realistic depiction of daily life after a catastrophic event, which I can only presume was an independence referendum. The endless misery, the unremitting squalor, the appalling punctuation – I knew immediately that Mr McCarthy would be able to nail the tone of our press releases.”
“We’ve also got some researchers looking into the copyright on H.P. Lovecraft’s work”, Darling continued, “because the SNP simply can’t answer how they will defend a separate Scotlandshire from Cthulhu. Do you really trust Alex Salmond to protect you from this malevolent entity who hungers for your soul? I certainly don’t!”
“Of course, if they do provide an answer, then I’ve got Stephen King on speed dial…”
The First Minister of Scotlandshire is under increasing pressure to resign after failing to condemn a vicious sexist attack.
Julia Gillard, of Australia, was almost bludgeoned by a sandwich thrown from behind during a school visit.
Astonishingly this was the second time Ms Gillard had come under fire from a flying tuna and sweetcorn lunch bomb.
Labour’s Johann Lamont used the personal incident for political gain. She said: “This poor woman has been subjected to a sustained, co-ordinated attack campaign of vile, disgusting fascist abuse.
“No group has yet come forward, but it bears all the hallmarks of a classic dirty tricks campaign by an army of bitter cybernats, led by the SNP.”
Tory cheerleader Ruth Davidson said: “First Susan Calman, then my buddy Nigel Farage, then British saviour Sir Christopher Hoy. And now this. This is much worse than the bedroom tax, which the Scotlandshire government does nothing about.
“The silence of Alex Salmond on this matter speaks volumes.”
A random Twitter user who definitely won’t be quoted in the papers tomorrow said: “Off course tosser Salmon won’t ban sandwitches, the soft sod luvs them coz he’s a fat sludge of sperm! #BetterTogether”
The separatist campaign is in disarray a year after its launch, as it reveals about 3,627,897 voters in Scotlandshire have so far not signed its declaration of separation. This means a whopping 90.7% either do not want separation or don’t care enough to spend a few seconds putting their signature on the declaration.
Though Blair Jenkins has been wheeled out to trumpet the mere 372,103 signatures today (only 37% of the way to their target, with 43% of their days gone) clearly this is great news for our campaign to keep the union. Arch dictator-Salmond launched the declaration himself last year with a target of one million signatures, a figure derided as wholly unachievable. With only 16 months to go our belief remains that this is entirely pie-in-the-sky.
Obviously none of BBC Scotlandshire’s loyal, unionist readers will wish to sign the silly declaration, which asserts such nonsense as: “it is fundamentally better for us all if decisions about Scotland's future are taken by the people who care most about Scotland, that is, by the people of Scotland.”
However, if anyone wishes to laugh at it, it can be found HERE.
“Arch dictator-Salmond” © Anas Sarwar
Alex Salmond is on the verge of being ousted as First Minister of Scotlandshire after a devastating week of mishaps.
It was confirmed that Salmond sat back and laughed as the right honourable Niggle Forage was dry-humped by drunken crack addicts in Nazi attire in broad daylight.
The event was just one of many blunders from the SNP leader, who is increasingly seen in many circles as being the cause of the state of society today.
This week alone, Salmond has:
- Single-handedly persuaded the Tories to form a coalition with "mad, swivel-eyed loons" the Monster Raving Loony Party;
- Failed to aid hospitals struggling with overcrowding after World Whisky Day;
- Refused to condemn nations who failed to back Bonnie Tyler in Europe;
- Remained silent as Jose Mourinho endured his worst season in management;
- Failed to show up at Silvio Berlusconi's "bunga bunga" trial;
- Declined to play peacekeeper as North Korea piss off the South again;
- ignored pleas to confirm whereabouts as bombs kill at least 76 in Iraq.
A Labour spokeswoman said: “He’s not even come round to fix my washing machine. If he can’t do that, how can he run a separate country?”
Alex Salmond was embarrassed again last night when he was turfed out of the Bafta awards.
The First Minister of Scotlandshire was ejected from London’s Royal Festival Hall shortly before the event kicked off. Officials cited his “attempts to share in the success of British television” which of course will be a no-no under separation.
It was rumoured Mr Salmond visited the event in order to see the likes of Olivia Coleman, Alan Carr and Steve Coogan. The SNP leader, known to be a huge fan of The Hour nominee Peter Capaldi, was once ridiculed for coining the term “Scolympians” for Scots at London 2012.
A spokesman for the Scotlandshire Government said: “The First Minister wishes the best of luck to all Scactors and Scactresses competing at the Baftas.”
U-KOK held a special after-party in which hundreds of people definitely showed up.
When asked about the incident, world-class television star Miranda Hart stumbled and fell over, commenting: "Oh I came over all Scottish there!", before staring at our cameraman and putting on a stupid face.
Salmond was advised to stick to the BAFTA Scotland New Talent Awards but said "They widnae let me intae the Oran Mor either! Nae enough pies."
The SNP must explain how T in the Park will operate after separation, say Unionists.
Conservative MSP Nanette Milne wrote to the music festival’s sponsor Tennents asking if it had been approached by ministers and was told that the future of the event is not a matter for them, but for the promoter to decide.
Ms Milne declined to write to promoter DF Concerts and decided she had heard enough, clyping to U-KOK head Alistair Darling.
“Look, this is all very uncertain once again from the Nats,” said Darling.
“Real Scots across the region want to know if they can still listen to the noises of today while drunk in a field, covered in mud and smelling of urine. People need these assurances.
“In a separate Scotlandshire, British music will no longer be our music. It will be someone else’s to celebrate. Do you want to see T in the Park consisting of Andy Stewart, Michelle McManus and not a whole lot else?
“No, I didn’t think so. We’re Better Together.”
A spokeswoman for DF Concerts told BBC Scotlandshire: “T in the Park will be around longer than the No campaign, Mr Darling. How’s that for detail, you cock head.”