By Michael Forsyth, Lordly Pundit
When the Yeomen of the Guard carried out their traditional search of the cellars at Westminster for gunpowder and plots last week, they found nothing amiss.
The high explosive under the Coalition was to be found elsewhere. Lord Lawson, with all the authority of a former chancellor, who had fought hard for Britain to join the exchange-rate mechanism, destroyed the Prime Minister’s position on Europe, which had taken the best part of a year to construct, by declaring that the emperor had no clothes.
In Scotland, Mr Cameron has rightly criticised Alex Salmond for delaying the independence referendum because of the damaging uncertainty created for business. The Government has also refused to engage in any negotiations about currency, debt, pensions, defence, North Sea oil revenues and other important issues, which in the event of a vote for separation would take years to sort out.
The Prime Minister has insisted that the principle of Scotland’s continuing membership of the UK must be settled first. Yet on Europe he says just the opposite: that we must endure a long and costly period of uncertainty, and a pre-referendum negotiation.
Extracted from -Telegraph : Right: it’s time to leave
Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has marked the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson by publishing 500 questions for his successor.
It is widely believed Everton boss David Moyes will take over at Old Trafford at the end of the season.
Rooney asked to be placed on the transfer list two weeks ago but Ferguson insisted the forward would not be sold. Ferguson’s departure could spark a U-turn if Rooney receives certain assurances.
The England international claims the next manager must answer legitimate questions about United’s future with "detail and debate, rather than bluster and assertion".
The questions cover topics such as Europe, defence, the weather and women.
Some of the questions asked are:
What is the positive case for me remaining at Manchester United?
When we will no longer be protected by Ferdinand and Vidic, would new defensive units be created for Manchester United?
What progress has been made in determining the "affordability" of holding midfielders outlined by our Finance Secretary at Manchester United?
Will you make me play in the rain at Manchester United?
What will be the cost of a first class “escort” at Manchester United?
Will I still be substituted for Ryan Giggs at Manchester United?
BBC Scotlandshire is dedicated to the unionist cause. However, with Better Together doing such a fine job: smart, media-savvy, their 500 questions even “trending” UK wide, we feel somewhat unnecessary. So, since it’s a lovely day, cherry blossoms in bloom, instead here is some spring gardening advice.
Spring is the time of re-birth, new shoots and buds gingerly poking through still frigid ground, hoping for sunlight in which to grow and prosper. Such growth requires tender care and nurturing. This, along with Scotlandshire’s dour weather, makes them wonderfully easy to kill off for those who despise the new and wish to cling onto the old.
So, to retain the status quo in your garden, choke off new blossoms by ensuring a good supply of weeds. This denies space and resources to the upstarts, overwhelming vulnerable new saps and seedlings. You can also deny them sunlight by draping a large tarpaulin over your garden, keeping it in perpetual darkness. Another trick to prevent emergent, “spring-like” movements is to pave over grass and soil completely then cover it with rusting old junk. If all else fails, crush new flowers which do appear underfoot whilst calling them nasty names to break their spirits.
Scurrilous separatist blogger Wings over Scotland has got himself in a tizzy about the numbers attending our launches in Aberdeen and Edinburgh.
He shows photographs of our launch meetings which show that less than half the number of people that we said there were could possibly have fitted into the room.
His, and other separatists', failure to understand the basic statistical methodology of Listing Your Individuals by Normalising Genetics explains why they consistently pretend that Scotlandshire is other than a miserable, poverty-stricken hole.
Our supporters are simply Better than our opponents. That's why we called ourselves "Better Together". Those who are "Better" need to stick together to protect the good things in life that the Good Lord has bestowed upon us in recognition of our innate superiority.
Whether measured by wealth, inheritance, income, or breeding, the average U-KOK supporter is twice as important as the average separatist. Twice the importance means twice the value : twice the usefulness : twice the ego.
The ego represents the individual. One of us equals two lesser beings. When we tally the numbers, we measure the worth. Eminent statisticians in London have said, "A U-KOK count? Take nothing taken away, and you get a fair description.
U-KOK heads throbbed with rage yesterday after poor ticket sales ruined a British musical.
Viva Forever, the West End production based on songs of the Spice Girls, was forced to cut short its run and will end in June.
“We just can’t make it work,” said producer Judy Craymer. “We expected everyone to come and support this important musical, but those narrow-minded separatists just have to ruin everything, don’t they.”
Blair MacDougall, U-KOK head, said: “Ninja keyboard cybernat warrior turtles have swamped the online world with scathing reviews of this wonderful show simply because the Spice Girls are a British institution.
“They’ve gone from definitely spraying graffiti on the walls of The Hootsmon, to definitely heckling comedians, and now humiliating the best British music act in recent decades.
“Nats should share in the success of musicians like the Spice Girls while they still have the chance.”
Labour leader Ed Miliband said: “What I say is this: If you want to be One Nation, you’ve got to get with my friends. Make it last forever - friendship never ends.
“If you want to be One Nation, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.”
The SNP were dealt a further fifteen hundred devastating blows to the face last night, leaving their separation plans in tatters.
First Minister Alex Salmond was called “un-Scottish” and “a dirty bastirt” by Unionists after he failed to protect Scottish comedians from hecklers.
It has been confirmed by The Hootsmon that Cybernats were directed by Salmond to pick on what they perceived to be unfunny, stereotypical “pish”.
Labour MSP Jackie Baillie said: “The SNP go out their way to ruin lives. First it was preventing real Scots from practicing their singing at football matches, then trying to lower the amount of cool smokers in the region, and now this.
“Comedians are important to Scotlandshire and if they don’t feel loved in their jobs there will be no budding Billy Connollys, Susan Calmans or Johann Lamonts in the future to tickle our funny bones.”
Professional heckler Joe K’sun Ewe said: “If that dirty bastirt tries to put some sort of law through stopping the likes of me from making feart stand-ups cry over their blogs, this place will go to the wall.
“I’d pelt Salmond with tomatoes but he probably has no idea what they are, the fat f*ck.”
Citizens in a separate Scotlandshire could be under threat of bear attacks, it has emerged.
Bears are thought to have died out in the region during prehistoric times, but experts believe a Yes vote next autumn could see that reversed.
An honest debate on the matter, which was called for by Johann Lamont six hundred times in two days, was held in Lochinver to mark Earth Day.
Wildlife adventurer Bear Witness said: “We had a cracking debate.
"It was great to discuss how this land could be inhabited again by the full quotient of animals that are native to it.
"The debate showed there’s a real appetite for a new vision for the landscape, and enthusiasm for sharing it with other animals like bears and wolves."
Unionists were outraged that the event was allowed to go ahead.
“Separatists know they’re losing the referendum, so they have resorted to bringing bears into the picture in order to frighten people,” said Labour MSP Ken MacIntosh.
“We have to be aware of ever-evolving threats to the UK and the Nats have provided another good reason why we splash out on a nuclear deterrent.
“Living in a separate Scotlandshire just doesn’t bear thinking about.”
The SNP have come under a barrage of criticism, again, after it emerged they are only sending one government inspector to examine a new location for Scots after separation.
Nick Hancock is planning to land on the extremely remote and dangerous Isle of Rockall, in the North Atlantic, next month.
In the inevitable event of Scotlandshire sinking next October after a Yes vote, the nationalists have been secretly looking for new areas for residents to flee.
Rockall is a tiny islet only accessible during particular weather windows, but is so far the only place in the world willing to host Scots after the referendum.
Not all Scots would be able to escape to the rest of the UK after separation due to there being too many forms to fill in, and not enough food to go round.
A spokesperson for UKOK said: “It’s clear now that Scotlandshire going it alone will cut real Scots off from the rest of the world. We should have known Salmond wouldn’t go and inspect Rockall himself.
“Separation is a one-way ticket - nobody goes to Rockall and comes back alive. The Nats may as well send everyone to Mars.”
Alex Salmond has been accused of warping the minds of the young after popular boyband JLS announced they were splitting up.
The band, who broke records and won several awards during their time together, will take part in a farewell tour before going their separate ways.
Alistair Darling, U-KOK head, said: “These boys have walked into a straightjacket with this move. Everybody was happy with the status quo, including millions of vulnerable youngsters who relied heavily on the output of the band.
“They’ll say they can flourish on their own, but there is simply no evidence for this. Remember, there is no way back after separation.
“Going it alone, but still remaining in the music business, is not freedom. What’s the point?
“What you’ll have, as you see with all boybands who try to go it alone, is a situation where eventually they’ll drift back towards each other and inevitably find themselves back in union.
“So I’m entirely consistent on this.”
A spokesperson for the Scotlandshire separatists said: “After 2014 we look forward to controlling our fair share of JLS and their assets, namely whichever of them has the fittest burd.”
Scottish Parliament leaders were overjoyed when mediums reported that the ghost of Wullie Rennie had finally been laid to rest.
"Not only is he at peace, but he'll now gie the rest o' us peace", said Presiding Officer Tricia Marwick. It's been a long and difficult day and the need to consume all of the 70 proof holy watter tested even the strongest constitution. We were all grateful that Lord Ffoulkes was no longer an MSP, or there would have been bugger all for anyone else.
"In this unseasonally cold weather, we are all glad that Wullie is in a much warmer home now."
BBC Scotlandshire has an extensive team of hellish journalists, and we were on hand to welcome Wullie to the Underworld and get an instant response to his new state of unreality.
"I'm incandescent" a delighted Wullie told our reporter.
In a sad conclusion of the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty, a violent confrontation took place at the former Auchenshoogle Unionist Club.
The Club closed in 1965, when Scottish Unionists joined the English Conservative Party, and their support evaporated like snaw aff a dyke in an Auchenshoogle July. With only Mrs McClumpherty as a member, the club sank into disuse until the property was purchased by the DunAngus Lapdancing Club, of which Mrs McClumpherty's late husband Angus, and neighbour Miss Netta McLafferty were enthusiastic, if unappealing members.
Club chairman, McClumpherty's second cousin and part-owner of the holding company to which much of Auchenshoogle belongs, Iain Taylor, a snake and rape oil salesman in neighbouring Brechin told our reporter, "Unfortunately, Philly made her will in 1964 and never changed the arrangements for her funeral.
"As it turns out, the fee for hiring the club is identical to the value of Philly's estate. I can understand that her heir, Marmaduke Phipps, might have been slightly pissed at that, but as our Coalition friend would have said - 'Whit kin ye dae, eh?'. His threat to bomb Auchenshoogle airport was way over the top, but typical of Brits deprived of the cash they need to survive."
The SNP must explain how T in the Park will operate after separation, say Unionists.
Conservative MSP Nanette Milne wrote to the music festival’s sponsor Tennents asking if it had been approached by ministers and was told that the future of the event is not a matter for them, but for the promoter to decide.
Ms Milne declined to write to promoter DF Concerts and decided she had heard enough, clyping to U-KOK head Alistair Darling.
“Look, this is all very uncertain once again from the Nats,” said Darling.
“Real Scots across the region want to know if they can still listen to the noises of today while drunk in a field, covered in mud and smelling of urine. People need these assurances.
“In a separate Scotlandshire, British music will no longer be our music. It will be someone else’s to celebrate. Do you want to see T in the Park consisting of Andy Stewart, Michelle McManus and not a whole lot else?
“No, I didn’t think so. We’re Better Together.”
A spokeswoman for DF Concerts told BBC Scotlandshire: “T in the Park will be around longer than the No campaign, Mr Darling. How’s that for detail, you cock head.”
The SNP’s aim of winning the separation referendum has spontaneously combusted after the greatest manager in the world was lined up to save the Union.
After yesterday’s rumours, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson today confirmed his retirement from football. BBC Scotlandshire understands he is to be tasked with polishing U-KOK heads’ limp performances of late.
A source close to the former Aberdeen gaffer said: “The goalie gloves are truly off in the separation debate. After leading United to 20 league titles, 2 Champions Leagues and also smacking David Beckham in the head with a shoe, who better to make sure U-KOK stay on message and protect us from the SNP?
“Alex Salmond can’t answer any of our important questions on postage stamps and dialling codes and with the opposition’s new signing, he’s only gone and dropped the ball.”
A Yes Scotlandshire spokesplayer said: “It’s clear Fergie is being brought in to shore up the leaky U-KOK defence. We’ve never seen a team score so many own goals in such a short period of time.
“If U-KOK had their way, they’d sell us all to Craig Whyte for a quid and a Greggs’ steak bake.”
Coalition leaders today warmly welcomed the Jimmy Reid foundation report into what a separate Scotlandshire could look like. Speaking on BBC politics, David Cameron said, “The Common Weal sounds like a fantastic idea for Scotlandshire.
It’s not something I’ve heard of before. In fact I have never heard of the Jimmy Reid Foundation either, but presume they are a think tank minded towards the same kind of policy we in the Tory party and our friends in UKIP would wish to follow.”
Questioned about support from the Tory leader, Robin McAlpine of the Reid foundation expressed surprise, but welcomed the positive comments, saying “everyone is welcome to join in the debate on what a future Scotland might look like, though I do wonder if Cameron has actually read the report?”
UKIP spokesman for Scotlandshire Sir Numpty McThackery admitted he hadn’t read the report but said, “I have nevertheless discussed it with friends in the Tory party who have discussed it with Cameron and we are all in agreement that a Scotlandshire where commoners are flayed and whipped sounds like the kind of Scotlandshire, and indeed UK, we could support. That is what the common weal means I presume. Isn’t it?”
Labour MP Douglas Alexander visited Scotlandshire yesterday to make a plea for the standard of debate in the separation referendum to be raised.
Speaking after allegations of vile abuse from the Natz he said, “It's time these deluded separatist morons stopped abusing those of us who are fighting against their malignant, evil and stupid plans".
Constant abuse from these disgusting, sub-human insects poisons the debate we should be having: that is what a fat Nazi dictator Alex Salmond is and how his cult-like army of stromtrooper cybernats are living in a fantasy world if they think Scotlandshire can ever run its own affairs.”
His statement brought an entirely unsurprising volley of venom from the Yes camp, with such abusive tweets as: “Scotland [sic] can run itself actually”.
There was so much Twitter abuse he was later forced to clarify his statement with, “Of course no one is saying Scotlandshire can't run its own affairs. What we are saying is we at Westminster won't let you and if the fanny-brained, spittle-flecked, knuckle-dragging baw-bags on the Yes side think we will, they are so dangerously remote from reality that they should not even be approached if spotted.”
It has been pointed out recently that Scotlandshire, uniquely among countries, has no satire. In fact it is a dour, miserable place famed for having no humour, wit or banter at all.
While BBC Scotlandshire prides itself on being a serious news outlet, we feel this issue is of vital importance. Why do some – separatists mostly – become incensed to the point of tweeting by such innocuous ribbing as a saltire turned into a swastika?
So we have decided to address this issue by turning our own hands to some satire. We weren’t quite sure what satire entailed, so googled and found that it appears to involve things like suggesting the Irish should eat their babies. We couldn’t see the relevance to Scotlandshire so have taken some artistic license.
A BBC Scotlandshire satire piece:
Scotlandshire is a drain on the UK, especially its filthy poor people. In order to stop them being a burden and instead make them useful, children from Scotlandshire should be sold to wealthy Tories who can serve them as food at fashionable dinner parties.
No doubt, despite being based on one of the finest pieces of satire ever written, some humourless Natz will manage to take offense!
In our latest poll of 505 readers conducted 25-30 April, only 0.6% thought Johann was a credible candidate for MSP in Pollok, compared with 48% who voted for her in 2011.
While 3% thought she could be Sarwar’s boss, that depended on the job that Sarwar was thought fit for. Delicacy prevents us reporting what those jobs were.
12% wanted her moved off planet, to become Supreme Leader of the Galaxy. However, the Galactic Council said, “Lots of species tried that trick. Try that and your planet will be obliterated, but feel free to submit a nomination.”
13% thought she had the interpersonal skills for an ATOS Employability Adviser, while 22% felt that being Magrit Curran’s baglady was suitable. While both these jobs require the same skill set, the combined numbers were massively outnumbered by the 50% who thought she was fit for none of these posts.
Many imaginative suggestions were made for suitable career choices. The most bizarre suggestion coming from an anonymous MSP, Ken McIntosh. While it’s both mentally and physically impossible for Johann to do all those things simultaneously, we applaud the power of Ken’s mind to come up with the concept. Psychiatric help remains free in Scotlandshire, and Ken should take rapid advantage of this facility.
There was bad news for separatists today as BBC Scotlandshire was confirmed the nation’s favourite website. The national broadcaster won easily over separatist sites, despite scurrilous attempts to rig the poll against us. As reported last week, we were forced to resort to legal action against the separatist blog, Wings over “Scotland”, after it initially failed to include us in its biased poll.
The legal action bought [surely brought, ed?] the required response, with “Revered” Stu Campbell forced to back down and admit: “I caved in like an overcooked souffle.”
Despite the irritating prevalence of cybernats on modern media like the internet and blogosphere, and repeated insinuations there are few unionist bloggers beyond Ian S. Smart, our loyal readers clearly stunned them! The 119% vote represents an infinite percentage increase on last year. This is a staggering vote of confidence both in BBC Scotandshire and the union
But bad news for the nationalists didn’t stop there, with a clear majority of separatist blogs falling in the listings. Six out of eleven sites fell, in clear contrast to BBC Scotlandshire’s meteoric, infinite rise! Though it would be premature to predict the referendum result based on this, it’s clear who is winning.
The Scotlandshire separatists were embarrassed again last night when Borussia Dortmund capped a fine week for Germany by trouncing Real Madrid 4-1 in the Champions League.
The semi-final clash followed Tuesday’s expected 4-0 win for Bayern Munich against amateur Catalan outfit Barcelona in the other semi.
Unionists went on the attack over Twitter.
Labour MP Jim Murphy said: “If Salmond didn’t think a separate Scotlandshire would work before, he will realise it now. The Spanish are floundering, Germany is in complete control of the Eurozone, and will be in charge of Scotlandshire if the SNP wins.”
“The Nats are screwed,” said Telegraph reporter Alan Cochrane. “Catalonia has just been humiliated across the globe and the same would happen to Salmond and Sturgeon within hours of separation.”
Tory messenger Danny Alexander said: “If Scotlandshire was currently going it alone you’d all be speaking German. After recent performances it’s clear they are still a threat.
“Only by remaining protected by the bosom of the United Kingdom can we ensure this never happens.”
In a dramatic new development, what passes for Wullie Rennie's soul has just re-entered what passes for his body.
In an exclusive interview with BBC Scotlandshire, Wullie Rennie explained what happened. "Over millenia, lots of great leaders have arrived in Hell, and tried to knock Beelzebub off his perch. None had succeeded till now.
"Just my luck to get there after McClumpherty. When Satan heard the eulogies for the auld bitch at the funeral, he pleaded with Jehovah to be allowed tae get the hell oot o' Hell afore she arrived. In his infinite mercy, God allowed Auld Nick to resign and take a seat in the House of Lords, with all the other retired fiends.
"As a Lib-Dem I had my legs crossed as to what the new Great Satan would decide. When she pronounced that there would be nae Wets in Hell, I pissed masel, and got slung oot. Bit whit kin ye dae, Eh?"
Presiding Officer Tricia Marwick said her clerks were searching for precedents as to how this remarkable situation should be dealt with. "Brain dead MSPs are commonplace, though preferably not Party leaders, but Labour have insisted on their right to select such as Leader."
The Police Scotlandshire Riot Squad were called to break up a major fight at the DunAngus Lapdancing Club, where the wake for Mrs Philomena McClumpherty was being held.
It is alleged that her heir Marmaduke Phipps became upset when presented with the bill for the evening by club chairman, McClumpherty's second cousin, Iain Taylor, a snake and rape oil salesman in neighbouring Brechin and lashed out at him. The bill exactly equalled the value of Mrs McClumpherty's estate - £18,000,097.56.
Phipps had apparently ordered, and consumed, several bottles of club Bollinger ("our own formula, and distilled in the secure area of the slaughter hoose") and had endured hours of his lap being danced on by Miss Netta McLafferty in army boots.
A witness said that "the Sassenach loon didnae unnerstaun that Scots cash stays in Scotlandshire. Ower muckle his crossed the border tae London pooches afore - nae noo."
She added that Phipps appeared to be incandescent about being "kettled" and held in police custody while being forced to listen to endless songs by The Singing Kettle, and claimed police brutality
"He was incandescent", she told our reporter.
The decision by Reverend Willie Fawdoon to ban the playing of "Ding, Dong, The Witch is Dead" on the Kirk bell during the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty bitterly divided the community of Auchenshoogle.
McClumpherty's sister-in-law, Mrs Pist Ootomamind was horrified that Philomena's favourite song was to be banned because of "the bizarre assumption that she was a witch." She continued, " OK, Philly was a dab hand at magicking cash from other folk's pockets to hers, but at the 1946 witch trial, she was found innocent when she drowned. That she later made a total recovery was due to the Tory principle of coming out of any pool of shite smelling of roses - or in her case, of shite."
Kirk bellringer, Fergus McBellamy, explained that complex technical issues had to be resolved before the final decision was taken. "There's only wan bell" he said, "so I could only play 'Ding'. That's nae much o' a fu**in tune! Onywye, ringing the Kirk bell mair than once is the signal we're being invaded. Mind you, fin aw her Tory relatives got aff the bus, ah thocht we were!"
Other villagers were incandescent about the ban. "We're incandescent", they told our reporter.