Smelly scroungers ruin Saturday shopping in Glasgow
By Nat Butcher our Political Correspondent
Hundreds of sweaty and unwashed anarchists marched through Glasgow on Saturday in a futile attempt to change the government's essential and right-headed policy of austerity.
Rather than undertake their civic duty to spend their weekends searching for a six-month work experience project without pay, the marchers chose to interrupt traffic in the city centre and cause panic amongst weekend shoppers.
The behaviour of those attending the disruptive and pointless event merely served to justify the statement made by Ruth Davidson, spokesnasty of the Conservative and Unionist Nicer Together Society, which now includes both Scottish Labour and Liberal Democ-rats, that the vast majority of Scots are nothing more than lazy scrounging neerdoweels.
Some of the more rabid elements amongst the throng were even seen at various times to sit in the road, then stand up and run forward, in a blatant attempt to waste the time of the gallant police officers who had been taken from their normal duties protecting the property of Bearsden home owners.
While it may have appeared that the Glasgow event was simply a protest against soap, organisers claimed they were in fact marching against the cuts being imposed by the coalition government.
Members of the "Bitter The Gither" campaign, including Mags Curran MP and Johann Lament MSP, who were collecting coins in George Square, were taken by surprise when the unwashed masses suddenly surrounded them. This was fine until the crowd realised that Johann was the very person who had just set up Scottish Labour's own cuts commission, the Midwinter Mafia.
Fortunately for Johann Lament, she was able to run into one of several strategic entrances to her underground bunker, this one disguised as a worker's howff, before she could be forced to comment on the hypocrisy of her position. Mags Curran was able to remain on the surface as lookout since nobody recognised her without her usual black cat and cauldron.
Interviewed after the march, Mags Curran told BBC Scotlandshire: "That wis a close wan. Johann and me thought they were merchin' FUR the cuts, we hid nae idea they were merchin' against them. I simply never occurred tae us 'cause we saw the trade union banners ad jist assumed they were oan oor side.
"But then we saw aw the Saltires, and stertit tae smell a rat. Johann ran doon the tunnel and I kept edgie fur her until they buggered aff. Luckily, big Jackie wis already ensconced in that Greggs oan the corner, and wisnay fur coming oot until she hid run oot ay bridie tax.
"Ah dinnay think these bloody socialists huv wurked oot that independence wull be the death ay devolution. But we'll make sure they get the message right enough. The naw campaign's gonnay spread mair doubts than a pub front step before we're done."
Labour's Ian Davidson, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Toffs Raging Against Independence, Tragically Only Renaming it Separation, swedged:
"Naebuddy gies a f*ck if plebs, lefties or even militant turtles were merchin' in Glesga, it wis thon big wan in London that goat noticed. That right where we aw live efter aw.
An that wan wus goin' aw right until thon twat Grommit turned up and telt them he wis up fur the cuts, and wid keep oan daein' thum if he goat intae power next time. Well, that went doon like a perr ay lead knickers, so there's no much chance ay any of us getting in next time. Whit a f*ckin' tadger the c*nt's turn't oot tae be!"
Johann Lament, being locked in the howff, was unavailable for comment.
[Editor's note: Why not join the fun and suggest alternative speech bubbles for the Curran photograph?]
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