Separate Scotlandshire may be susceptible to space storms, say scientists
By Holly Moses, our Weird Science correspondent
An independent Scotlandshire would have no protection against destruction by falling meteors, warned scientists from the Department of Reclining Chairs at the London School of Ergonomics.
In a report published today the wholly independent UK Government boffins claim that, if Scotlandshire were to separate from England, it would be left with no cover against celestial peril. The tiny Scottish Defence Force would be unable to prevent a hail of meteors - which could fall from the sky at any time – from causing huge devastation and loss of life.
Even a shower of much smaller meteorites, which are far more common than meteors, would destroy all of Scottish industry and kill millions. A sizeable asteroid strike could even take out the whole country 'in a wunner'.
The report, entitled Hard Scientific Evidence Proving Separation is Stupid, was commissioned by the 300 a day club of the House of Lords. It makes absolutely clear that, post-separation, Scotlandshire would be left with no means of protecting itself from any of the threats above (or from above, for that matter).
Dr Alisdair Allan MSP, the Scottish Government's Science & Education minister said, “While the conclusions of the LSE report are undoubtedly accurate, its authors fail to mention that there are no current means of shielding Scotlandshire from meteor showers.
“The kind of technology required to provide protection from celestial objects doesn't even exist. So, to claim that the danger would be increased by independence doesn't make any sense.
“In reality, the whole of the UK is equally likely to be wiped out in seconds were such a disaster to occur. And that could well be an extinction level event like the one that wiped out the dinosaurs. And I'm not just talking about all those SLAB MPs in the Palace of Westminster.
"You may wish to ask the UK government what steps they are taking to protect us from being lovebombed by comets, for pity's sake.”
We put Dr Allan's question to UKOK head, 'comical' Ally Darling MP, who told us,
“It's just not good enough
“The lack of cosmic protection planning in the so-called white paper suggests a very uncertain future if Scots decide to separate. Scotlandshire could be destroyed within weeks if nothing is done to prepare for this sort of thing. Salmond must tell us immediately what his Plan B is.”
We asked the Astronomer Royal, Sir Martin John Rees, Baron Rees of Ludlow, what the Queen's view was on the possible extiction of her Northern realm. He told us, "I asked her Majesty this, and once she managed to stop laughing she instructed me that she had no view on this matter whatsoever."
Hopwever, Baron Foulkesake of Cumminit told this reporter he was hoping for a massive space storm before 18th Sept to knock out the cybernat menace. "Of course hospitals could be shut down and people may die," he slurred, "but you have to get your priorities right, Eh? Pash the malt, would you Dear?"
Labour's Ian Davidson MP, reclining chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee on Backing All Yapping Opinionated Nutters in England, Trying to Torpedo our Independent National Government, said,
“The boss man ay BaE might ay telt us that the Frigates ull still be built oan the Clyde even if Scotlandshire saparates, the bastirt. But now we know that the yards'll aw be smashed up anyroad by sky rocks an stuff. Whit kind ay independence is that?
Covert leader of London Labour in Scotlandshire, Johann (Rosa) La Mont was unavailable for comment. Reportedly, she was deep in her George Square bunker preparing for the sky to fall in.
Wikipedia : List of Meteor Showers
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