New charity launched to help Daily Mail sufferers
By Dr Amfiel N Offi-Seikh, Our Degenerative Disease Expert
A new charity will be launched in Edinburgh today which seeks to provide support to victims of one of the most widespread and devastating afflictions in modern Britain – the Daily Mail.
The charity, known as the National Organisation for the Rehabilitation of Angry Nasty Tories in Scotlandshire, or NO-RANTS for short, will be formally launched this afternoon at a ceremony in the Scottish Parliament.
NO-RANTS is the Scottish offshoot of the well-established London charity, the Conservative & Unionist Newspaper Dupe Support group, better known to the public as CUNDStoppers.
The dreadful brain disease caused by prolonged exposure to the Daily Mail was first diagnosed almost 130 years ago and is now estimated to have infected as many as four million people in the UK alone.
It is most prevalent among the poorly-informed and uneducated, and is more common in women, but the virus can attack anyone at any stage of life with crippling consequences.
The main symptoms include degeneration of the ability to think clearly, increasing paranoia and fear of Others (unless they happen to be celebrities or Royal), and a tendency to believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
We spoke to one sufferer, a Professor David Starkey, who says his life has been ruined by the disease.
"I was once a respected historian until I started reading the Daily Mail", he told our reporter at the Lombard RAC rally in Nuremberg, "but now I see Nazis everywhere I look.
"Logically, I know they're just in my head, but they seem so real. And it has started to affect my work – I've become a figure of fun, a feeble little parody of my former self."
Following the second World War, a uniquely Scottish strain of the TD virus was isolated, Taberna Diurnis Scotii, which has proven to be every bit as virulent as the original fasciitis form, T. Diurnis Rothermereiensis.
There is some hope for Scottish sufferers as new research, mainly internet based, is helping individuals to help themselves, and many have been cured in recent years. However, a great many others remain infected.
A victim of the 'Scottish Mail', SLab 'hack' Ian Smart, told us: "It mainly affects me late in the evening and it has caused terrible insomnia and night terrors.
"During the hours of daylight I actually have many rational moments, when I realise the SNP is the kind of progressive, left-wing party my own once was and which I dearly wish it could be again.
"Then darkness falls and I find myself on social media accusing these good SNP folks of being Nazi scum and collaborators. I try my best to drive away these unwelcome thoughts with bottle after bottle of cheap whisky, but that just seems to make it worse.
"Then, in the morning, the guilt begins. I remember that Labour is veering to the right faster than a pink battle bus with a blowout and that the Daily Mail is a genuine Nazi-supporting paper. Then I hate myself for what I have said and done.
"But, come the night, I begin again. I'm powerless to stop it. Help me someone."
Ian's close friend and fellow sufferer, Kezia, is trying to help him. "I've been a sufferer for a few years", she admits, "but I'm trying to control it.
"I often find myself repeating stuff from the Mail in parliament, which I know fine is absolute shite, but I can't help it. My poor Dad gets so disappointed in me at times like these.
"I've even written for the Mail in the past, at which point I realised I had hit rock bottom and decided to do something about my affliction.
"By working for the charity to help others, I'm trying to gain control of my own dailymailism.
"After months of procrastination, I finally decided that the only way to help Ian was an intervention, so I suspended him from the party.
"I really hope it works but, like other daily Mail sufferers, Ian will only start to recover when he wants to get better and finally admits that he is ill."
We ask you to spare a thought for these poor people and all those who suffer from similar brain-destroying afflictions such as Hootsmonia, Sunstroke, Recorditis, Heraldry and SNPouting.
Please give what you can to help these unhappy, deluded people. They need your support, not your pity.
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