Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.
Scottish Government reveals new plans for Trident replacement
By Lars Hadron-Collider, our Nuclear Correspondent
In one of his final acts as First Minister, outgoing premier Alex Salmond has announced his plans to replace the ageing Trident nuclear missile system.
At a press conference in Helenburgh, Mr Salmond revealed that the Scottish Government has developed plans to build a new weapon system, which will be installed before the next Scottish independence referendum, planned for 2017.
The First Minister said that the new system would be "fit to defend the nation against all current and future threats, rather than just those of the cold war."
Johann La Mont resigns from Labour to join the SNP
By Munger O'Scairs, our Scottish Labour Correspondent
In her second shocking revelation this weekend, Ex-leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann La Mont has announced that she has today relinquished her Labour membership and applied to join the Scottish National Party.
Ms La Mont, who had been a Labour member and activist since her teens, resigned as Labour's Scottish "leader" on Friday, claiming her Westminster colleagues were "dinosaurs" who treated Scotlandshire like a "branch office".
Her exit from the Labour Party will be a further blow to Ed Miliband's hopes of forming the next Westminster government, and will only be compounded by her decision to apply for membership of the Nationalists. This is all the more galling as viewers with longer memories will recall that Ed 'gets' Scotlandshire.
Patronising BT Lady II: You'll have had your serial
By Fahr Q. Yesurs, our U-KOK film reviewer.
Over the course ofÂÂÂ the past two years, BBC Scotlandshire has been consistent in promoting the benefits of this region remaining within the greatest political and economic union in the history of the world.
Throughout that time, our Nat opponents have ridiculed our version of a Better Together Britain, claiming only their side offered hope and prosperity to the people of Scotlandshire.
Now that the referendum has been won, and thoughts of Separation have been set aside for a generation, we celebrate how swiftly our vision of Greater England has begun to be realised.
BBC Scotlandshire is proud to present a new film, commissioned by us from the team which brought you the #PatronisingBTLady, Fibber and Kantz plc, and which shows how far our beloved region has come in just a single month.
We give you, Fracking & Iraquing.
Scottish Labour and Conservatives parties to form even stronger alliance
By Hugh Mungus-Mountebank, our Scottish Political Correspondent
Over recent days, senior members of the Scottish Labour and Scottish Conservative parties have been holding secret talks concerning their 2015 election strategy, which could lead to the merger of the two parties, BBC Scotlandshire has learned.
Labour insiders say both parties are concerned that falling membership, particularly among younger members, will lead to poor results in the 2015 General Election.
Along with the dramatic rise in the memberships of the splittist-supporting parties, this has led to the current 'crisis talks' taking place between the Labour and Tory leaderships in Scotlandshire.
Britain blooms as Scotlandshire is unquestionably Better Together
By Gordon Brownlips, our Pensions, Powers and Transplants Correspondent.
Since last Friday's confirmation of Westminster's superiority, life has already become far better for the resident's of Great Britain's most northerly region.
Over the course of just a few short days, in what must be seen as a ringing endorsement of the Better Together campaign, almost every aspect of life in Scotlandshire has shown a rapid improvement.
In the few brief examples I have given below (taken from one of my after dinner speeches) my subjects can see for themselves that, just as I promised you all before the referendum, the UK really is OK.
Chief Counting Officer announces dramatic change in voting arrangements
By Nadzieja Kwiatkowski, Our Polish  Correspondent
Scotlandshire's Chief Counting Officer, Ms Winding Way, has made a dramatic, but timely, change to the arrangements for the Independence Referendum next month.
"I am required by legislation", she announced, "to ensure that the arrangements for the referendum voting are utterly and transparently fair.
"My vision for the conduct of the referendum is that there should be no barriers to any voter taking part ; voters must have the same experience wherever they are in Scotlandshire ; the referendum will be administered efficiently; and the referendum will produce results that are accepted as accurate.
BBC saves the Great British Imperial Games from the Scots
by Taeko Verbid, our BBC London Intervention Correspondent
BBC Scotlandshire can reveal that a plot by Scottish people to take over the UK's Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games was foiled at the last minute by the BBC.
A cabal consisting of the Scottish 'government' and Glasgow city council had planned to run the games entirely by themselves, in a naked attempt to build confidence in the run up to the referendum on Separation due in September.
In a blatant snub to the people of the rest of England, the organisers conspired to pay the entire £575 million cost of the games by themselves, simply to deny others the chance of claiming credit for the impeccable organisation of the event. This was particularly unfair as the UK government had previously allowed, in fact insisted, that Scotlandshire contribute almost twice this sum towards the London Olympics, thus allowing North Britons to feel a valued part of the UK family of bankrollers regions.
Orange Order "appalled and dismayed" as Pope becomes latest U-KOK campaigner
by Orday Narimum, our Strictly Neutral Commentator
Members of the anti-independence Friends of the Union Better Together U-KOK Labour United No Thanks campaign could hardly contain themselves on Friday when his Holiness Pope Francis declared that he will be campaigning alongside them.
Hundreds of column inches were added to a cacophony of tweets as Project Fear fanciers shared the wonderful news with one another and taunted the few online separatists with their latest convert.
However, not all loyal Unionists were pleased at the news. Leading members of the Orange Order said they are "appalled" to hear the Pope was to campaign alongside them and "dismayed" to find he was already a Past Master of Loyal Orange Lodge 81 (Port Stanley) from his time as a night club bouncer in Argentina.
We're not reporting the debate, we're IN IT, says Andrew Marr
By Kenny McQuarrell, our Director General
The following is a transcript of part of the Andrew Marr show from this morning. This will be remembered as the point when the BBC finally admitted it was a player in the debate on Scottish independence rather than a neutral and disinterested observer.
We in BBC Scotlandshire have never had such reticence in admitting our pro-union stance. Whilst we are less overtly partisan than the spoof BBC on the opposite bank of the Clyde, we are also far more open and honest about our views.
It is reassuring to see the BBC, if a little belatedly, come round to our way of thinking and start being honest with its viewers, few in number and widely dispersed as they may be.
Scots "not genetically programmed to make political decisions", reveals astonished Lamont
By Nat Hunter, Our Chief Political Correspondent, with Jean Etticks, Science Correspondent , and telly-watching team Bendhard Poncingbye and Colon McSigh
Leader of the Nu-Socialists in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont astonished the world last night with evidence that the region can’t rule itself even if it wanted to.
Lamont produced the astounding claim during a television debate with nationalist Nicola Sturgeon, who clearly struggled to answer any questions put to her.
When asked by Sturgeon why Scots should have to “put up with” Tory governments they didn’t vote for, champion of socialists Lamont explained “We’re not genetically programmed in Scotlandshire to make political decisions”.
Lamont offered to provide scientific evidence to back the claim up, in the form of waving a document around in the air like previous debaters, but Sturgeon again prodded the socialist to answer why she was happy with the current constitutional arrangement.
Lamont, Master Debater of the Year 2013, dumbfounded the nationalist by pointing out “we chose to be part of the United Kingdom”. The debate was virtually won at that point.
Experts at the stooshie could not make head nor tail of Sturgeon’s remarks past the first few words of each answer, although they couldn’t put a finger on why she was so off the pace.
Lamont’s ability to stay out of the limelight each week bar 10 minutes of First Minister’s Questions meant she simply had more preparation time than “attention-seeking” Sturgeon, the pundits concluded.
- Separate Scotlandshire may be susceptible to space storms, say scientists
- Scots could be banned from speaking English, warns academic
- Travel Guide for Londoners
- BBC Scotlandshire has the West Lothian answer
- Why America Must Say No to Scotland’s Independence From Great Britain
- MP now free from drink, anger and Labour sees the truth for the first time, driven to drink again
- Why the Scots MUST vote for independence! The Daily Mail doesn't like them.
- Massive Unionist March Hailed a Great British Success
- Scotland may not be Welcome in the Federation, say Klingons
- Catalonian Independence Movement an SNP front, claims BT
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