Police seek saboteur of Lib Dem battle bus
By Digsby Pickering, Our counter-espionage and etiquette correspondent
The Liberal Democrats' election campaign ground to a halt yesterday when the party's battle bus broke down for a second time following a suspected act of political campaign sabotage.
On Tuesday the battle bus broken down for the first time in what was seen as a suitable quip of campaign fate for the beleagured Liberal Democrats.
Yesterday an embarrassed Nick Clegg had to thumb a lift from a couple of passing students in what Mr Clegg would later describe as "an immaculate and modern Datson 120Y".
The students had led Mr Clegg to believe the act of kindness was being done for no recompense but the Deputy Prime Minister would later discover his wallet had been dipped by the rapacious rapscallians.
Efforts to restart the bus by Oor Wee Wullie Rennie, the campaign bus driver and onboard cludgie sanitiser, farcically failed and the hazard warning lights even went on to malfunction. Wullie Rennie was heard to say: "Michael Green assured me the bus was a fantasic runner before Danny handed over the cash. But hey, whit can ya dae?"
The AA was eventually called out courtesy of Charles Kennedy’s membership and a divine 12 step breakdown recovery plan. Unfortunately the man from the AA stated he couldn’t do much until the fumes had cleared.
It later emerged the fuel tank had been contaminated by a bucket load of mucus and the fuel injection system was completely blocked by boogies.
A Liberal Democrat spokesdeviant commented: “Look, engine running or engine completely seized up, the only way to stop the evil ex-Dictator Alex Salmond is to vote for the fragrant and perfectly wonderful Justine Jardine in Gordon. Unfortunately it doesn't look like the battle bus is going to get anywhere north of Watford to help her out.”
A leaked photograph of a potential suspect for this criminal act was discovered by Alistair Carmichael-Moore, who got it off a man down his local pub who once knew a woman that owned a three legged dog. The Metropolitan Police confirmed the photograph was part of an ongoing investigation to find a dangerous man wanted for stabbing his own brother in the back.
The Labour Party denied the suspected, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Ed Miliband, is the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. A spokesprevaricator responded: "It can't possibly be Ed for he always swallows boogies."
The mechanic tasked with repairing the bus commented: “Just be glad the snotters didn’t come from Gideon Osborne’s nose or we’d be looking at a costly engine de-coke!”
In other related news, the Scottish Labour battle mini-bus was written off by Jim Morphy earlier this week when he attempted to perform a handbrake U-turn.
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