Ian Murray to lead Scottish Labour – sometime soon
By Dinn A Gerrit-Yette, our Scottish Labour Strategy Correspondent
Ian Murray MP for Edinburgh South has been chosen to replace Jim Murphy (not an MP) as leader of the Labour party in Scotlandshire.
The Edinburgh MP was the first choice for Labour members and MSPs and received the unanimous support of the Westminster parliamentary group, something no other MP has ever managed to do.
Mr Murray told this channel: "It was important that the new leader was an MP as he or she will need to keep a tight reign on the parliamentary group while they resist the new group of SNP MPs.
"As the only member of that group, I was clearly in the best position to ensure party discipline.
"In the early hours of Friday morning I imagined another MP as my deputy but events intervened. Now it seems, like Jim, I will be shadowed by one of the Z-list Holyrooders."
Party insiders say that having just a single MP from Scotlandshire may not be ideal, but claim it has brought a new focus to the group.
They say their MPs are now unanimous in being against Trident, austerity and stickers but enthusiastic about retaining power through running dishonest smear campaigns against opponents in the Tory press.
However, Labour sources say Mr Murray will not be taking up his post until Mr Murphy can be persuaded to step down.
This may take some time as Murphy has launched a legal challenge to his own party in an attempt to hold onto the reigns of power, despite losing 40 of his 41 seats, including his own, to the SNP.
His lawyer, Ian Smart, told the BBC: "Jim's not going anywhere. He had a brilliant election and was only defeated due to the lies and snake-oil promises of the Hiltler-supporting SNP. Nobody could blame him for that.
"I have unearthed a couple of great loopholes which will work in favour of his team.
"One is that, while you need to be elected to something to stand as leader, you can become a total nonentity and still remain in post. The party will need to wait until the next conference to challenge his leadership.
"The other is that, as long as you carefully misspell the names of any number of hideous dictators, you can compare the SNP to them with impunity. Even after several large malts of an evening, if that's your thing.
"And as a bonus, the names don't show up when someone is trawling your Twitter feed."
No ex's, no comment
Jim Murphy himself was unavailable to comment as, in the absence of MPs expenses, he is now unwilling to leave his home in case any non-reimbursable personal expenditure is incurred.
We asked campaign coordinator Blare McDonut for comment but he was far to busy with tuba practice as he sharpened his skill set for the new employment opportunities which surely await.
We did manage to track down campaign manager John McTearwan who told us: "This was one of my most successful campaigns. I think it was only eclipsed by the time I blew the election for the Socialists in Australia.
"However, I can't be absolutely sure as I was tried in absentia after I fled returned from Oz and I am now under sentence of death if I ever visit the country again."
John's colleague Susan Dalgety bayed: "I detest the ess enn pee and all it stands for. We need to look no further than the butchery of Omagh to see for ourselves what happens when nationalism gets out of control. Innocent children die."
Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.