Scottish Labour and Conservatives parties to form even stronger alliance

By Hugh Mungus-Mountebank, our Scottish Political Correspondent

BOBWOver recent days, senior members of the Scottish Labour and Scottish Conservative parties have been holding secret talks concerning their 2015 election strategy, which could lead to the merger of the two parties, BBC Scotlandshire has learned.

Labour insiders say both parties are concerned that falling membership, particularly among younger members, will lead to poor results in the 2015 General Election.

Along with the dramatic rise in the memberships of the splittist-supporting parties, this has led to the current 'crisis talks' taking place between the Labour and Tory leaderships in Scotlandshire.

"Labour and the Tories simply aren't cool any more", says Farquhar Twattpuss II (18) a Conservative activist, "all the cool kids are joining the SNP and the Greens because they were on the cool side of the separation debate." Quite what makes Farquhar an authority on cool is unclear, however.

His UKOK companion and Labour campaigner, wee Shug MacProddie (44) told us: "Ah think wur aw better the gither wi the Tories. That Alick Salmon shags grannies, you know. Britannia rules. Gerritupye!"

Egg nog!

In an uncharacteristic moment of candour, Jim Murphy MP, heir apparent of Labour in Scotlandshire, told this channel: "It simply makes electoral sense for us to merge with the Tories in Scotlandshire. Just think about it for a minute.

"After two years of coalition in UKOK, we have now begun working on our separate manifestos for the 2015 General Election. We have privately compared notes, and found that both documents were virtually identical – line for line.

"We think the same, we sound the same and we want the same things: mainly 50 Slab MPs returned to Westminster and business as usual. So, merger it is then!

"Plus, off the record, it is the only way we will be able to muster enough votes to take on the Rebel Alliance."

We were later asked by a Labour spokesned to "forget everything Slim Jim just said" as he had been "on the egg nog all day".

SCUM!

The BBC understands that the new Scottish party will be launched in Late October before their joint conference, which is expected to be held in the Pollock (sic) Orange Lodge.

The party will be known as the Scottish Conservative United Movement or SCUM for short.

It's logo will be a purple pound sign on a yellow field, the purple representing the amalgamation of Red and Blue Tories and the pound symbol representing MPs' expense accounts.

We asked Mr Murphy if Labour leader Johann Lamont had signed up to this merger plan, to which he replied simply: "Who?"


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