We're not reporting the debate, we're IN IT, says Andrew Marr
By Kenny McQuarrell, our Director General
The following is a transcript of part of the Andrew Marr show from this morning. This will be remembered as the point when the BBC finally admitted it was a player in the debate on Scottish independence rather than a neutral and disinterested observer.
We in BBC Scotlandshire have never had such reticence in admitting our pro-union stance. Whilst we are less overtly partisan than the spoof BBC on the opposite bank of the Clyde, we are also far more open and honest about our views.
It is reassuring to see the BBC, if a little belatedly, come round to our way of thinking and start being honest with its viewers, few in number and widely dispersed as they may be.
MARR: "I think Scotlandshire will find it very difficult to re-enter the EU, I must say."
SALM: "WTF? can I just examine that for a second Andrew. Is that the Andrew Marr opinion or the BBC's view on the matter?"
MARR: "I have no views, nor does the BBC, I was simply stating that you are completely wrong and it will be very hard to get back in."
SALM:"So, Andrew, why is your opinion so factual when it goes against the vast majority of qualified expert opinion and all the evidence given to the Scottish parliament?"
MARR: "Because I'm your actual Andrew fucking Marr, that's why. I spoke to Barrosso about this in private, you know. You lot didn't get to hear that bit. And I can tell you I liked what he had to say.
SALM: "Ahem. But... 2 second lag. Ahem."
MARR: "Talking over the top of you, Scotlandshire will be fu*ked if you vote to leave us and take your precious oil revenues with you. You better do as I say, and the BBC agrees with me on this as on everything else. Give up all this separation nonsense or we will make you pay dearly for your bloody disloyalty!
"Thank you First minister. That is all. You're wrong. I'm right. End of!"
Marr turns from the (remote) monitor to face the sofa.
MARR: "And now we welcome back Ed Balls and George Osborne, who are both resolute in their opposition to currency union, and who are both here in the lovely London studio rather than an abandoned radio shack in St' Kilda.
"So, George, doesn't it make sense (he he) for separate Scotland and mother England to enter a monetary union (ha ha), even if it is a really stupid idea (LOL)?"
OSBO: "Absolutely, Andrew. We're only saying this to help. It's all for the benefit of the Scottish people, so they will know just how much we intend to fuck them up if they try to leave us. And don't think we'll let you shack up with Johnny Foreigner either. Trust me, it's for your own good."
MARR: "Ed. You represent a completely different party which is the traditional enemy of George's (LMFAO). Do you agree with every word he is saying?"
BALLS: "Absolutely, Andrew. We're trying to be kind. It's vital that the Scots know what we will do to them if they vote for separation, because it won't be pleasant. And we'll stop you from seeing the Johnny European chappie, too, you mark my words.. But it is all intended to help the Scotch in the long run."
MARR: "So in essence: Salmond, separation, uncertainty, the Euro, Greece, grass, nothing else to eat, very very bad indeed."
OSBO: "Quite right, I agree with Ed and you, and the BBC of course."
MARR: "Ed? Do you agree?"
BALLS "Let me say, what I DO agree with is everything George has said and all of your comments too and everything said by those wise heads in the BBC."
MARR: "Thank you both. And now, in summary, a song entitled, 'Ha Ha Ha'."
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Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.