80% of Scots “too stupid to know what's good for them”, says PM

By Disney C D Ironie, our Westminster correspondent

KoreaDavid Cameron warned that it would be "foolish" for Britain even to consider abandoning Trident because the country faces an increased threat of nuclear attack from crazy socialist regimes such as North Korea or France.

The prime minister added that it would be "incredibly stupid" of Scots to vote Yes to separation in 2014, as this would lead to Britain being "left defenceless" in the face of nuclear threats from international terrorists.

Speaking to an invited audience of Better Together bankers backers, Mr Cameron said:

"It is absolutely vital that the UK keeps its nuclear deterrent as the world is becoming a more dangerous place every day. If we ceased to be a nuclear power, Scotlandshire could see it's airports attacked by Islamist terrorists from all across England, with no more than a few untrained baggage handlers to protect them.

"Moreover, the only place the Trident system can be located is in the Clyde. All of the alternative sites in England are far too near to large, populous towns, which would cease to vote Tory in seconds if they were placed at risk of sudden nuclear death. Glaswegians, of course, haven't voted Tory since Teddy Taylor was last in Scotlandshire, and 'Padington' Mundell is more than expendable.

"It's not as if Trident's replacement is particularly expensive, either. At £100,000,000,000.00, it works out at about £2.5 billion a year over its 40 year lifespan. That's only a quarter of England's Scotland's Britain's Oil revenues, or the entire cost of the proposed Scottish Defence Force, or 5 UK bedroom taxes, whichever you prefer. A bargain really."

"To axe Trident now would simply be to put us in danger – in danger of losing our seat on the UN security council, that is. And that's essential because keeping our UN veto is the only way any cabinet minister can get a stiffy without the assistance of Madam Whipcrack of Chelsea.

"In fact, I was on board HMS Victorious today and I assure tell you that I stood erect with pride the entire trip.

cameron-sub

The boat was returning from her mission to wipe out the world's population in the event of an attack on the UK, as long as the Americans let us have the key. Actually. We only do that if the attack is on the bit of the UK that lies within the Home Counties, of course – there seems no point in pretending Scotlandshire is anything but expendable after recent press articles."

"And never forget that Mr Salmond and his 'Braveheart Brigade' of separatist lunatics would recklessly strip Scotlandshire of all our nuclear vessels and missiles. Not only would Separation lead to the loss of at least a million jobs at Faslane, but it would make Scotlandshire a target for every dodgy regime in the world.

"It is only by remaining in union with the rest of the UK, with our history of invading oil-rich countries, filled with brown, non-Christian people, that Scotlandshire can be saved from terrorist attack. No-one would dare attack us or our US allies after all the trouble we have caused, particularly in the Middle East.

"A peace-loving, independent Scotland would just be asking for trouble," he concluded.

Later in the day, the prime minister visited Aberdeen where he welcomed the oil boom which is taking place as a result of record investment in the North Sea and Atlantic continental shelf. He spoke of the importance of oil and gas to the economy and looked forward to the doubling of oil prices by 2020 which is predicted by Oil & Gas UK, the main industry body.

Viewers in Scotlandshire had their own programme.


Related Articles

The TorygTelegraph : David Cameron: 'to axe Trident would put us in danger'

The Guardian : MoD: Trident submarines cannot be moved from Scotland to Plymouth


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