Johann La Mont resigns from Labour to join the SNP
By Munger O'Scairs, our Scottish Labour Correspondent
In her second shocking revelation this weekend, Ex-leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann La Mont has announced that she has today relinquished her Labour membership and applied to join the Scottish National Party.
Ms La Mont, who had been a Labour member and activist since her teens, resigned as Labour's Scottish "leader" on Friday, claiming her Westminster colleagues were "dinosaurs" who treated Scotlandshire like a "branch office".
Her exit from the Labour Party will be a further blow to Ed Miliband's hopes of forming the next Westminster government, and will only be compounded by her decision to apply for membership of the Nationalists. This is all the more galling as viewers with longer memories will recall that Ed 'gets' Scotlandshire.
Ms La Mont told this reporter: "It makes perfect sense, once you think about it – something I started to do last week, as it happens. Thinking about things, that is. There wasn't much call for that as a Slab MSP, if I'm honest. I just had to read out Paul's scripts and pull girning faces on a Thursday. The rest of my time was my own.
"I stepped down as Scottish Labour leader when it became clear to me that the party in London was treating the North British branch terribly while relying on Scotlandshire to prop them up. They ignore our needs, take us for granted and never treat us seriously, and they have been like this for years. About three hundred apparently.
"I was warned by party officials not to criticise Ed Miliband for the last three years, while the party decided whether he was pointless unelectable plasticine twat - or not.
"Plus, that bitch Curran shafted me - some pal she turned out to be!
"And when I said the MPs were dinosaurs, I was thinking of those big beasts that sound scary and have a huge big mouth to feed, but also have those useless little chicken-feet arms that are no good for anything other than signing expense claims.
"But then, earlier today as I was enjoying a complimentary Tunnocks wafer and a big bowl of Mackie's ice cream, it hit me like a brain freeze. If that situation is unacceptable for Labour in Scotlandshire, how much worse must it be for the whole country to be treated in the exact same way by the Westminster government?
"It was a revelation, I can tell you! I suddenly realised I had been living a lie throughout my time as a Slab MSP, making false choices and avoiding the real debate and all. So I cut up my Labour membership card into the shape of a wee Yes (like that nice Allan Grogan showed me) and applied online for the SNP.
"And you know what? Since I've come out as a Yesser, I've never been happier. The sense of freedom is intoxicating. I feel like a new wummin now I'm part of the biggest and most exciting political movement in Scottish history. I only wish I had done it years ago!
"That said, the buggers are charging me a pound a month to join – and me soon to be out of a job. Now we'll need to learn to live on Erchie's salary and broon envelopes and nothing else. Oh well, I suppose this can't be the only something for nothing culture in the world."
We also spoke with Anas Sarwar MP (hereditary), who explained we had completely misunderstood the situation. "Johann hasn't resigned from anything", he told us, "She is simply having a little rest in her luxurious city-centre bunker before leading the election campaign in Scotlandshire.
"The 'London' MPs are all delightful selfless folk who put the needs of the people above all else, particularly above party and personal gain. They are not dinosaurs at all, but rather they are the most highly evolved of all human beings.
"And when the two Eds need to come to a decision, they don't just copy a page out of the Tory manifesto like you would imagine. No, they always start by asking themselves, 'What would be in the best interest of the Scots? And what would Johann do?' and only then do they decide. That's completely true. Just ask Jackie Baillie, she never lies."
Labour Spin class doctor John McTear-ye-wan shrieked: "Slab is daeing just fine. And ony bastirt who says it isnae is just a big girl, like Andy Kerr and that Haversack guy on Twitter.
"Our membership is up tae over 6 million in Scoatlandshire and wur gonnae win ivury wan ay the seats in the next elekshun. Any mair ay this negative shite and A'll be roond your hoose tae gie ye a right Ian Davidson." [Should we be quoting this nutter? Wasn't he banned under the dangerous dogs act? ED]
The entire SNP, for once, was unavailable for comment.
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