Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Scots "not genetically programmed to make political decisions", reveals astonished Lamont

By Nat Hunter, Our Chief Political Correspondent, with Jean Etticks, Science Correspondent , and telly-watching team Bendhard Poncingbye and Colon McSigh

missing geneLeader of the Nu-Socialists in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont astonished the world last night with evidence that the region can’t rule itself even if it wanted to.

Lamont produced the astounding claim during a television debate with nationalist Nicola Sturgeon, who clearly struggled to answer any questions put to her.

When asked by Sturgeon why Scots should have to “put up with” Tory governments they didn’t vote for, champion of socialists Lamont explained “We’re not genetically programmed in Scotlandshire to make political decisions”.

Lamont offered to provide scientific evidence to back the claim up, in the form of waving a document around in the air like previous debaters, but Sturgeon again prodded the socialist to answer why she was happy with the current constitutional arrangement.

Lamont, Master Debater of the Year 2013, dumbfounded the nationalist by pointing out “we chose to be part of the United Kingdom”. The debate was virtually won at that point.

Experts at the stooshie could not make head nor tail of Sturgeon’s remarks past the first few words of each answer, although they couldn’t put a finger on why she was so off the pace.

Lamont’s ability to stay out of the limelight each week bar 10 minutes of First Minister’s Questions meant she simply had more preparation time than “attention-seeking” Sturgeon, the pundits concluded.

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Separate Scotlandshire may be susceptible to space storms, say scientists

By Holly Moses, our Weird Science correspondent

meteorAn independent Scotlandshire would have no protection against destruction by falling meteors, warned scientists from the Department of Reclining Chairs at the London School of Ergonomics.

In a report published today the wholly independent UK Government boffins claim that, if Scotlandshire were to separate from England, it would be left with no cover against celestial peril. The tiny Scottish Defence Force would be unable to prevent a hail of meteors - which could fall from the sky at any time – from causing huge devastation and loss of life.

Even a shower of much smaller meteorites, which are far more common than meteors, would destroy all of Scottish industry and kill millions. A sizeable asteroid strike could even take out the whole country 'in a wunner'.

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Scots could be banned from speaking English, warns academic

By Cill E Akzent, our Linguistics Correspondent

meerkatIt is 'highly unlikely' that fUK ministers would agree to enter into a language union with an independent Scotland, warns a leading academic.

In a death blow to Alex Salmond's plans for splitting from Britain, Professor Verbil Skitorz of the Technical University of Bollik, Estonia will warn that Scots will need to adopt their own language if they vote for separation.

“We only allow ze Scotch people to use ze Eenglish because they is part of the UK”, Professor Skitorz will tell a specially invited audience at a U-KOK donors meeting in the Guildhall tomorrow.

“If eet was a Breetish language, eet would not be called Eenglish, right? If ze Scotch peepilz want to keep on speaking eet, they better stay together een ze UK. Seemples. Gedit?”

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Travel Guide for Londoners

By Boris JohnsonThe Mare of London

london mapThe festive season is almost upon us once again and for those of you who through no fault of your own must travel north and interact with the natives of Scotlandshire we have devised an occasional series to help you in the difficult task of communicating with the indigenous population.

Bar etiquette.

The first hurdle to negotiate is the actual invite to go for a drink. While many of the phrases those of us in the green and pleasant land would use have also been adopted in the stark lands of the North there are many phrases you will not have heard before.

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BBC Scotlandshire has the West Lothian answer

By Nat Hunter, our Political Editor.

Nigel-FarageThere is a growing voice within England for the establishment of an English parliament. The democratic deficit which was so evident in Scotlandshire, and which remains to this day, is now becoming visible south of the border, particularly in relation to the infamous "West Lothian question".

The West Lothian Question question in question is not, as you might suppose, "what did Westminster do to help keep Halls of Broxburn going?", but rather, "why can Scottish MPs vote on English issues when English MPs cannot reciprocate?"

The bitterness evident among English MPs has been compounded by the increasing gulf between the quality of public services offered on both sides of the border, particularly since the SNP took over the Scottish Government in May 2007. This has led to ever more shrill cries of "subsidy junkies" and a general belief that Scots are being given a superior level of service at the expense of their over-taxed English neighbours and, furthermore, that this is being done deliberately.

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Why America Must Say No to Scotland’s Independence From Great Britain

By Derby MackOur US affiliate on "Hard Dawn (because morning is hard in America, much like the rest of the fu*king day)"

socialistscotlandIn September of 2014, the people of Scotland will vote on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom.

There is no word yet on whether the powers that be in London will allow this [1] happen without a fight, but it certainly makes global politics that much more treacherous. The investigation that follows proves that an independent Scotland sets a very bad precedent for turbulent provinces the world over.

From Juarez to Quebec, Kabul to California, radical elements seek to disrupt national power with such breakaway movements. If the reality of Russia’s Chechnya is any indication, this is a disastrous notion that may end in complete societal collapse. A closer look at the specific parties agitating for this upheaval shows that socialism is [a] crucial element of this agenda.

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MP now free from drink, anger and Labour sees the truth for the first time, driven to drink again

By C. AhteltyeOur Labour are the Union Correspondent

sober joyceThis channel has been severely critical of Eric Joyce MP for his activities which let down the Labour Party and, therefore, the principal supporter of that glorious Union which allows us to be ruled by the very Tories that he tried to beat the shit out of.

We applauded his agreement to lay off the booze and to undergo anger management training, so that he could resume his role as a loyal defender of good old British Unionism.

We are deeply concerned, therefore, to find that in his sobriety he has decided to reveal the innermost secrets of Labour in Scotlandshire.

Such perfidy is equivalent to Edward Snowden's traitorous sharing of the fact that UK and US intelligence services are spying on all of us - especially you, dear reader, for visiting this site.

We utterly condemn the revelation of the truth, under any circumstances. You are urged not to read any further and be exposed to anything so dangerous as facts.

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Why the Scots MUST vote for independence! The Daily Mail doesn't like them.

By Simon Heffer, our Trolling Unionist Arsehole correspondent.

salmondOver the next 12 months, it will be distressingly hard to avoid Scottish voices on TV and radio droning on about whether or not Scotland should vote in a referendum to leave the United Kingdom next year.

To make matters worse, it is increasingly a debate from which the English, who as taxpayers send a hefty subsidy to Scotland each year to keep that country afloat, are wilfully excluded.

In a true democracy we, too, would be allowed our say, with a vote of our own next September, since there are two of us in this particular marriage.

Since the mid-Nineties I have been convinced that England and Scotland would benefit from a divorce, or at least from a trial separation. Many Scots don't much like the English and appear ungrateful for everything that England does for them in showering them with money.

Thus my friendly advice to our Scottish cousins as they contemplate this great constitutional moment is this: vote 'yes', for independence.

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Massive Unionist March Hailed a Great British Success

By Scott Fleg-Monger, our Westminster Correspondent

orange-orders-460Today's U-KOK march and rally in Hyde Park, which saw over 250,000 loyal souls stride against the evils of splittism, will have brought an almost unbearable sense of pride to all right-thinking Brits.

Here in the heart of London, the very beating spleen of British politics, the centre of this sceptered isle, this England, the power of the people was almost palpable.

I felt a flutter of chest, a redness of eye and dampness of cheek as I watched the images flick across every news channel, hour after glorious hour, in celebration of this outpouring of National bettertogetherness.

Not even the Hyde-park statues could fail to have their stony hearts moved by the spectacle of so many gathered in support of a common ideal – the defence of our still-great Empire. Even the 500 high-spirited revellers who were arrested by an over vigilant police force did nothing to dampen the spirits.

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Scotland may not be Welcome in the Federation, say Klingons

By N. Torprize, our Galactic Correspondent

KlingonAlex Salmond's dreams of breaking up the United Kingdom suffered a mortal blow today as the Galaxy's top Klingon cast doubts on SNPs claims that Scotlandshire would be allowed to join the United Federation of Planets U-FoP within months of a Yes vote in the separation referendum.

Supreme Commander Lord Gowron, Leader of the Klingon High Council told reporters attending a U-FoP conference in Kensington that a separate Scotlandshire would need to plead on bended knee to be allowed into the Federation, and that the Klingons would likely veto the Scots "just for a laugh, because that's the kind of beings we are", adding, "bIjatlh 'e' yImev. Yitlhutlh! (Stop talking! Drink!)".


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