Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
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Greg Hemphill under lock & key after Twitter meltdown

By Ellenback Broadfud, Our SLAB Health Correspondent and Jackie Baillie's BFF

HemphillFamily and friends of Greg Hemphill last night voiced concern for the comedy genius following a Twitter separatist rant-a-thon meltdown that was directed, quite unfairly, at spoof broadcasting channel the BBC.

Speculation grows that the 43 year old Greg Hemphill is under close medical supervision after a vociferous and highly unwarranted attack on the satirical BBC website, the iPlayer – a cheap knockoff of this channel's ayePlayer - closely followed by insane ramblings related to "independence".

The comedian said bosses were "stifling" Scottish culture by only showing English content on the network's world service. Hemphill claimed that BBC iPlayer does not allow audiences outside of the UK to watch any Scottish content, comparing the broadcaster to former Tory leader Margaret Thatcher.

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Matheson receives stunning blow - job in jeopardy

By Beef Lynx, our Showbiz Reporter

matheson0BBC Scotlandshire is proud to announce that, after two months of public voting and the emergence of several very strong contenders for the Anti-Scottishness awards, this year's prestigious Union of Scottish Unionist Quislings (USUQ) award has been awarded to none other than Glasgow Council leader, Gordon Matheson.

Gordon can add this wonderful USUQ award to the Local Politician of the year Award given to him in 2012 by the Herald Newspaper. It will look lovely on his mantlepiece when he's poking the grate.

Sadly, Cllr Matheson is unable to accept the USUQ award in person as he has taken a vow to keep his mouth closed in public, from now on, we understand. However, Gordon did make this short film for us earlier: "Mmmm nmm mmm um gobble gobble mm nmm umm nmm mmm! Chap, chap, chap. Gulp. Cough. Yes officer - how can I help you?"

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Alistair Darling and the Declaration of Prestonpans

By Nat Butcher, Political Correspondent

Nat Butcher hears disgraced Chancellor Alistair Darling give the John P MacKintosh memorial lecture in Prestonpans community centre, while embedded with proscribed organisation; the Scottish Militant Ninja Turtles.

darlingLast evening I was witness to the most uplifting and impressive political speech of my journalistic career - a learned polemic given by Alistair Darling to a huge audience of Labour councillors and other East Lothian pensioners, which was cleverly entitled "Better No".

Unseated Chancellor Darling explained to the eager attendees how a Separated Scotlandshire would be denied access to vital cultural assets as these would be retained by England.

These included all members of your family who are resident outside Scotlandshire, who would immediately become 'foreign scum', a term already used in Westminster legislation as a synonym for the less insulting 'Johnny European'.

Scots would also be denied the right to listen to Jedward, Mr Blobby or Chas and Dave, while Hollyoaks and Cash in the Attic would be blocked from Scottish televisions and cricket would be completely forbidden to us on all media and in person. We would even be unable to support Andy Murray, as he would be declared English, as was previously reported on this channel.

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Johann's script is late - What is she to do?

By Nat Hunter, Political Correspondent.

Johann is in her bunker awaiting the arrival of her script for First Ministers' Questions.

But the script is late...

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Scotland ‘More Susceptible’ To Zombie Invasion Under Independence

By Skaereem Unster our Undead Correspondent

zombie-nicolaScotland will be 'more susceptible' to zombie invasion under independence, claim Better Together.

Alex Salmond was yesterday accused of trying to lead Scotland into "the darkest day of horror known to man" after a report suggested being eaten alive by the undead would be more likely in an independent Scotland.

Unionist ministers leapt on the findings, snarling and foaming at the mouth, before ripping into the First Minister, demanding he reveal the SNP's zombie policy and outline any other catastrophes he was hiding from the Scottish public.

The findings of the report, commissioned by the Better Together campaign in conjunction with the coalition UK government, were discussed at a Scottish Affairs Committee in which several experts on disaster prevention were interrogated by Westminster MP's.

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Smelly scroungers ruin Saturday shopping in Glasgow

By Nat Butcher our Political Correspondent

Hundreds of sweaty and unwashed anarchists marched through Glasgow on Saturday in a futile attempt to change the government's essential and right-headed policy of austerity.

Rather than undertake their civic duty to spend their weekends searching for a six-month work experience project without pay, the marchers chose to interrupt traffic in the city centre and cause panic amongst weekend shoppers.

curran-cuts

The behaviour of those attending the disruptive and pointless event merely served to justify the statement made by Ruth Davidson, spokesnasty of the Conservative and Unionist Nicer Together Society, which now includes both Scottish Labour and Liberal Democ-rats, that the vast majority of Scots are nothing more than lazy scrounging neerdoweels.

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Prizewinners celebrate success at this years Scottish Quisling awards

By Pears McAvity our Showbiz Correspondent

wunch-of-bankersThe annual Union of Scottish Unionist Quislings awards took place last night in lavish red carpet event hosted in the House of Lords in front of a glamorous crowd.

Revellers included a small bevvy of journalists, a large appropriation of MPs, a substantial honorarium of Lords and a complete wunch of bankers. [ Ed: Are you sure that's the correct collective noun, Pears?] The event was sponsored by the City Of London Old-boy Network.

These awards were launched in 1978 , when USUQ was formed by the Labour and Conservative parties as part of their preparations for the Scottish Assembly referendum. Each year since then, USUQ has recognised and rewarded those Scottish politicians who have shown outstanding commitment to working against the interests of Scots and the Scottish Nation.

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All of Europe invited to celebrate start of WWI

By Tobias Yirnovoat our correspondent for shamelessly cashing in on the fallen

passen mudDavid Cameron has announced  a year of celebrations to commemorate the outbreak of "The Great War" which will be held across Europe in 2014.

France and the Low Countries will be invited to join in the 2014 festivities to mark the beginning of the five year global conflict - which the Prime Minister has described as "A 'Great' war, made in Great Britain and won by Great Britain" - so those countries will be able to feel more positive about the outbreak of war.

A spokesbanker for the PM explained that some countries had been "dismayed and appalled" at plans to mark the start of hostilities with a £50 million trench festival. However, critics had been (quite literally) silenced by the subsequent offer to send gangs of Union flag waving English schoolchildren to Belgium and France, to assist the locals in feeling a proper sense of Britishness.

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Brian Taylor sacked as head of Bias for BBC Scotlandshire

By our new acting head of Bias Gary Robertson

taylor-masthead

It is with deep regret that BBC Scotlandshire announces the dearture of Brian Taylor from his long-standing post as acting head of Bias.

After almost 84 years of unstinting adherance to the strictures of BBC policy, Brian let himself and his colleagues down this week by publishing a nightmarishly balanced opinion piece on Thursday's First Minister's Questions in which he seemed to be suggesting that Alex Salmond had somehow bested the other three coalition leaders.

This was a clear breach of the BBC Charter which has as its headline aims, to Mildly Entertain, to Indoctrinate and to Misinform (viewers in Scotland have their own programmes).

Following reciept of the following memorandum, Brian Taylor has been asked to stand down from his post as acting head of Bias. He will, however, be continuing in his secondary role as interim political editor of BBC Scotland. He will also stay on as commissioner of pies for the Holyrood canteen, a role he has enjoyed for many years, and which he has undertaken with characteristic gusto.

At BBC Scotlandshire, we may not have the same punishingly high threshold of political and establishment bias as our colleagues at BBC Scotland, but we do at least require consistency.

While thankfully rare, this is not the first such lapse we have seen from Brian, and the channel felt strongly that a clear signal had to be given, both to Brian and to others, that failure to adhere to proper standards of reporting, particularly on matters which touches on constitutional affairs, is entirely unacceptable at the BBC and will be duly noted.

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BBC Scotlandshire (unfairly) accused of institutional bias

By our political correspondent Nat Hunter

Chris-PattenBBC Scotlandshire executives have been unjustly accused of political bias from a number of quarters this week.

It has been alleged, without any basis in fact, that the organisation has consistently favoured the Westminster government's position on Scottish independence, and that this has both skewed and stifled the political debate.

Chris Patton, chairman of the BBC Trust and the last Englishman to set foot on the British Empire, has written to BBC Scotlandshire following a private meeting with First Minister Alex Salmond. Mr Patton insists that steps are taken immediately in order to remove any impression of bias in the news reporting of the organisation.

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