Campaign placed on a war footing

By Corr Seeratits, Our International Womens Day Correspondent

bt tin hatPatriotic delegates to the Patriotic Party of Patriotic Scotlandshire Conference were placed on a war footing by their top military strategist, Private David Hamilton (VC and where's the fu*king bar?) yesterday.

In a top secret (because few were actually listening) briefing, he warned that the enemy had armed "wee lassies" and provided them with full military gear like tin helmets.

"It's easy tae make fun o' them", he dribbled, "and Ah'm a specialist in that field. Weemin makkin on they're sodjers? They've nae tadgers, and cannae even pish high up the wa'!"

Conference erupted in an outburst of pricks and cheered his strategic genius.

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Carnage in Edinburgh Conference Centre

By Stenn Gunn, Our Battlefield Correspondent

bodiesBodies littered the corridors of the Edinburgh International Conference Centre's toilet block after today's Labour in Patriotic Scotchland (just a wee Jock and Doris) Party's One Day Conference.

And what a helluva day it was!

I have seen many disasters, conflicts and wars in my time, but this was the bloodiest of civil wars that I have ever witnessed. The sight of ravenous Dawgdales and Griffins tearing at the bloodied corpses was sickening. No amount of salary can compensate for the ravages to my soul [Ed : Piss off. "No amount" is exactly the salary you get.]

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Stolen seats reported across the country

By Sofah Sogood, Our Furniture Correspondent

chair lostAllegations that the total failure to raise any money to fight election campaigns has caused Nats to turn to theft and handling stolen goods, were angrily denied by SNP sources (round behind The Barras) yesterday.

Nat candidate for the Barras (and associated bits of Glasgow Central), Alison Thewliss, stood up hastily when we arrived to interview her. "Many people here can't afford seats while the Sarwars keep them in the family."

"Proudhon said that 'Property is theft' and I'm simply planning to take back what the rich stole from the people", she declared.

"Every constituent will be entitled to an equal share of time sitting on my bit of the Westminster benches.

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A partly political broadcast on behalf of Creepy Jim Morphy

By Yew Choob, our Lyrically Satirical Correspondents

commercialFollowing the revelation in the latest Ashcroft polls that he may lose his seat to the SNP, Creepy Jim Morphy has released another short video explaining his election strategy.

This is not to be confused with grown-up politics, which is generally quite an important business. And one which professional politicians, at least, normally treat quite seriously.

Mr Morphy, it would appear, is content just having a laugh at the voters' expense(s).

Watch the partly political broadcast


U-KOK rise again!

By Jinty Hoowl, Our Jolly Hockeysticks Correspondent [1]

yousafU-KOK has changed its name again girls! We have all been taught that it is our role in life to be good wives and mothers : to lie back and think of England. Follow Nob Orders, in all its manifestations, and all will be well.

While we are young, lots of us fancy bad boys like Humza Yousaf, but would you want to marry him and live in abject poverty, cast out by your loving family?

That's why caring Tories have joined together to keep the family of nations together (apart from the Eyeties and especially the damn Frogs!)

Many of us have voted Labour for years because, not only do our right-wing reactionary views, fit in so well there, but they are the bulwark against the Scotch - the enemies of Britain.

We know that a Labour Government is just as good as a Tory one, since both make the bankers very happy people, and they are so thankful they give us oodles of cash in return.

In the same way, it is far better for you young girls to be looked after by the former No activists, business figures and academics in the "Scotlandshire in Conjugal Union" movement. In fact, many of these nice gentlemen are keen to help you through your university career.

Just for the pleasure of your company, these "sugar daddies" will be very generous.

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Big Ishoo condemns BBC Scotlandshire reader poll

By John Poultice, The World's Only Psephological Super-Hero

murphyissueIn our latest poll we asked "Which is the best campaign slogan for SLab candidates?" and 35% of you suggested "Big Issue! Get your Big Issue here!"

Publishers of Big Ishoo (Scotlandshire) responded with fury when we asked them to comment.

"Homelessness is no joke", they said, "which is why we were really pissed at Morphy pulling out of publicising the charity, because of potential political embarassment. Contrary to popular belief, homeless people can vote, if they provide a temporary address - and we'll make sure that address is in bloody Giffnock!

"For your readers to then suggest that we would give house room to unemployed politicians is ridiculous.

"Other charities exist for that purpose, particularly the House of Lords red benches where they can happily doze away their remaining years."

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Morphy welcomes darkness plague. Tells SNP 'Let my people go'

By Hand O'Godot, Our Biblical Judgment Correspondent

eclipseSLAB Supremo, Jim Morphy enthusiastically welcomed the conclusions of an elite American University that God was about to visit a plague of darkness on Scotlandshire, unless dominatrix Sturgeon freed voters from slavery to the Nat cause.

Scientists at Cincinatti University's Neo-Theosophical Studies department have predicted that a great darkness will engulf Scotlandshire in less than three weeks.

Only if the Scotch are freed from their bondage and polls show a return to righteousness, with no damn lefteousness, can devastation be averted.

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Power to the Bathist Insurgency!

By Wirral Poole, Our Hot Tub Correspondent

masked terroristA new threat to world security has arisen, as nationalist forces have seized control of the City of Bath and threaten to make it the capital of a New World Order.

Leader of the Bathist cult, Rev Stookam-Bell, already runs his own set of political parties - the Baathist parties in Syria and Iraq, the Clean Party in the USA, Grande Sud in Italy and TAP in Pakistan.

He also controls the Westminster Bubble (a coalition of Conservative, Labour and Lib Dem politicians in England) as well as the Soaking Naked Party (SNP) in his native Scotlandshire.

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Looming UK energy gap could be 'corked' by Scots Peers

By Lotza Kashenit, our Energy Economics Correspondent

fracking-peersScotlandshire must build new power stations if it wants to keep the lights on in the Home Counties beyond 2025, opposition leaders will warn today.

All three opposition parties in the Scottish parliament have insisted that new nuclear and gas-fired power plants must be built as the Southern UK has dropped below 3% energy resilience, leading to increased likelihood of both planned and unplanned power cuts.

All three party leaders will insist that Scotlandshire, which already exports a third of the power it generates to the South East of England, is the obvious place to site these new facilities.

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'Cash for Questions' scandal engulfs Holyrood

By Brahn N. Velope, Our Corruption Correspondent

cashforqsMSPs have been secretly filmed by BBC Scotlandshire asking questions of Ministers, HAVING BEEN PAID TO DO SO!

Shockingly, this has been going on since 1999, when Labour in Westminster graciously allowed the Scotch to have some say in their own affairs, but we are the first to bring this disgusting level of corruption to public attention.

Amazingly, these Financial Midden Quagmires (FMQs) take place in the open, and are not decently conducted "below the radar" as Westminster politicians sensibly do, to avoid public scandal.

Matters came to a head recently as Deputy Dawgdale departed from the long established convention of asking only one question (but three times over), and occasionally asked an entirely different question as well. Fellow MSPs were outraged.

"I'm outraged!" said veteran Tory MSP for Auchenshoogle North (and a bittie tae the East as weel), Hector McGlumph. "I've been here since 1999, and I haven't asked a single question since my first day, when I asked where to hand in my expenses chitty."

Read more...

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