Reviewed: Labour unveils its new colours

By Fleg Waiver, our Perfidious Unionist Correspondent

white-featherAs it prepares for it's latest leadership election, the UK Labour party has unveiled its new branding under which it will fight the 2020 general election.

Gone is the white rose of England on its field of socialist red. Gone too is the word Labour from the party's title.

And consigned to history are words such as socialist, progressive and class war.

Along with dozens of similar terms, these have been banned from the party's lexicon in case they upset Tory voters who might be persuaded to support a slightly less aggressive version of their own party.

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Skittery Cameron abandons key English bill as SNP threaten to vote it down

By Kidd E Fidlur, our Westminster Affairs Correspondent

helmet-metPlans for English Votes on English Laws are in turmoil today as another high profile bill with no obvious impact on Scotland has been abandoned by the Conservative government after SNP MPs threatened to vote it down in the House of Commons.

The policy U-turn by the SNP, who traditionally do not vote on English-only issues, was described by one party source as "Just a wee reminder to the Tories that we're all still here."

The Venerable Gentleman's Grooming (England & Wales) Bill had been intended to retrospectively decriminalise all cases of historic child abuse perpetrated by certain groups of people, including MPs, peers & other aristocrats and high profile employees of the BBC.

A government spokespederast told the BBC he could not understand why the SNP would choose to veto such a bill.

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SNP MPs to face privatisation, vows Cameron

By Major Colon Isst, our Resident EVAL Correspondent

SNP-leavingAll 56 SNP members of parliament are to be sold by online auction as part of the Conservative government's plans for English Votes for English Laws, it has been revealed.

Government ministers say that planned changes to the parliament's standing orders mean the Scottish MPs now serve no useful purpose in the Westminster parliament and will be privatised as a cost cutting measure.

We spoke to Sir Scott Frie-Fiddler MP, a member of the committee which proposed the new rules, and asked him why they now consider the Scotch MPs to be supernumerary.

"It emerged when we were looking at how best to man the Scotland office," he told us. "We noticed that we could run Scotlandshire quite effectively with just one Tory MP and an assistant.

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It has to be 'joabs fur the boays', says MacIntosh

By Kezia (deputy) Dugdale MSP, Our Petty Revenge SpokesWummin

Ken-adviceBBC Scotlandshire has been given a copy of a second job application for the post of Regional Manager of London Labour's northernmost branch office.

The person who leaked this document did not do so in retalliation for her own application appearing on the BBC last week. Absolutely Not! Honestly.

In fact, this channel can now reveal that the 'varmint' who leaked the document called himself Musky, but is believed to actually be diminutive Labour MSP Richard Baker, who also starred in several episodes of the X Files (and not in a good way).

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Twitter crimez of the evil Cybernatz exposed!

By M Aye Fyffe, our National Security Consultant

quizmasterThe BBC has been passed a file containing a large number of rude and even disrespectful comments pertaining to various Unionist politicians.

The dossier, which was compiled by the Labour Party in Scotlandshire, is under embargo until tomorrow (Sunday). However, as the BBC is well known for being ahead of its time, we have decided to publish it today.

In its 51 pages, the document chronicles some of the most vile and despicable statements ever made on social media. These were all penned by Yes supporting members of the SNP, under the personal direction of ex-leader Alex Salmond.

Incredibly and undeservingly, the abuse is mainly aimed at Scottish Labour politicians and their friends in other parties, such as the leaders of the Scottish Conservatives and UKIP.

We spoke to Blare McDonut, the man who initiated Project Smear and who was responsible (behind the scene) for Labour's recent electoral success in Scotlandshire.

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A little application goes a long way

By Ken MacIntosh MSP, Our Water-Resistant Leak Specialist

keziaBBC Scotlandshire has been given a copy of the following job application for the post of Regional Manager of London Labour's northernmost branch office.

The person who leaked the document to this channel claimed that he (or perhaps she) was acting solely in the interests of transparency, and definitely not to favour the chances of any of the (many) other candidates for the same position.

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Labour politicians say Glasgow rally was 'full of bloody lefties'

By Paul S A Frie-Zoan, our Scottish Labour Party Unpaid Research Intern

hiltonIn an effort to re-evaluate the purpose and future of their party, a number of courageous Labour MSPs and councillors attended yesterday's 'anti-austerity' rally in Glasgow.

The rally in George Square was organised by the Scottish Trades Union Congress to voice their opposition to the government's austerity policy.

Organisers claimed over ten thousand attended, but a police estimate from 6:30am put the audience at fewer than ten, including some street cleaners and the two officers making the estimate.

The visit by the Labour politicians (or more correctly the fact-finding trip as it was covered by expenses) was organised to determine if any policy initiatives could be gleaned from those speaking at or attending the event.

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Civil War breaks out amongst the Cybernats

By Jacklyn Hide, Our Judean People's Correspondent

chargeA civil war has erupted amongst online separatists after one broke ranks, claiming their whole 'New Media' revolution was a 'pile of smelly cack'.

Nat separatists turned their cyber-vitriol onto one another when the aptly named GA Poncey-Boy published an article on the subversive website NewsNat.scot.

According to Poncey-Boy, the so-called 'alternative media' is nothing more than a hotchpotch of opinion pieces written by people who should probably keep their opinions to themselves.

In his controversial article, the whining Poncey-Boy wrote: "Yes lost the independence referendum because of you lot. If you had only listened to me then Yes would have won easily.

"All of the other sites need to cooperate with me. I've been saying this for years. WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME ANY MORE?"

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New charity launched to help Daily Mail sufferers

By Dr Amfiel N Offi-Seikh, Our Degenerative Disease Expert

dailymailA new charity will be launched in Edinburgh today which seeks to provide support to victims of one of the most widespread and devastating afflictions in modern Britain – the Daily Mail.

The charity, known as the National Organisation for the Rehabilitation of Angry Nasty Tories in Scotlandshire, or NO-RANTS for short, will be formally launched this afternoon at a ceremony in the Scottish Parliament.

NO-RANTS is the Scottish offshoot of the well-established London charity, the Conservative & Unionist Newspaper Dupe Support group, better known to the public as CUNDStoppers.

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"I was right about Sturgeon", claims Carmichael as second memo is leaked to BBC

By Lingar N Stingk, our 'Neck like a Pawnbroker's Balls' Correspondent

FluffyDisgraced ex Secretary of State for Portsmouth Alistair Carmichael has claimed to have proof that the memo he leaked before the election about a conversation between the First Minister and the French ambassador was in fact completely accurate.

The beleaguered MP for the Northern Isles says a second Scotland Office memo has corroborated the revelations made in the first, finally proving his innocence in the whole affair.

The new memo, a copy of which was sent to the BBC by an unnamed source in Lerwick, records a whispered moment shared between Nicola Sturgeon and a US journalist during the First Minister's current 'takeover' tour of the USA.

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