Oil find in Dorset 'a terrible burden' says Treasury chief

By Olly O'Fillick, our Energy correspondent

Sussex-oilThe estimated size of an oil find near Gatwick Airport has been upgraded to 100 billion barrels.

UK Oil & Gas Investments (UKOG) said the Horse Hill-1 well in the Weald Basin was now thought to hold 158 million barrels per square mile.

UKOG described the find as a possible “world class” resource with the potential for “significant daily oil production”, but insisted it would be a “disaster for the economy” of Southern England.

“Discovering huge amounts of oil is a terrible burden on any one country”, says Prof  Iprefer Cash of Gatwick University. “it distorts your economy and leads to huge volatility.

“The only solution is to find another country, preferably a neighbouring one, who can take over the exploitation of the oil on your behalf. Then it becomes a boon.”

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Media stunt implicates Scottish Secretary in Nikileaks scandal

By Quentin Limpbiskitt, our MI6 correspondent

nothing to hideDigital enhancement of a photograph of Scottish Secretary Alisdair Carmichael has produced the clearest evidence to date of his involvement in the Nikileaks conspiracy to damage the electoral prospects of the SNP.

The image, taken during a photo-op where Mr Carmichael attempted to distance himself from the leaked 'memo' and to play down its importance, clearly showed a document in his inside pocket.

Through a process known as 'digital super dooperenhancement', which was first demonstrated on the popular US sitcom CSI, the contents of this document have been rendered readable.

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Election 2015: Jim Morphy denies 'preferring Cameron'

By John McTearwan, Chief of Staff at Nikileaks

Jim EMScottish Labour leader Jim Morphy has denied a newspaper's claim he told a German diplomat he would prefer David Cameron in No 10 over Ed Miliband.

The Daily Telegraph published a Scotland Office memo claiming the Labour MP privately said Labour's leader was not "PM material".

Mr Morphy said in a tweet the story was "definitely, unquestionably, palpably, indubitably, honestly, 1000% untrue".

German officials said he did not express a preference for PM but the Labour party said the report was "damning".

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Play Electoral Pacman in the streets of Stornoway

By Commodore Stu Campbell ATA RI, our Ancient Video Games Correspondent

pacmanAs we approach the General Election in May, Dundee games developers Rock Steady Polls have just released a new video game which is dripping with political intrigue and campaign fun.

Set in the Hebridean hamlet of Stornoway, the game has a haunting similarity to the classic arcade game Pacman, but this time features an SNP canvasser tramping the mean streets of the city in search of votes.

However, as in real life, finding new SNP supporters is the easy part. Our hero must also sign up new members (cherries) while avoiding the Labour candidate Alasdair Morrison (in red) and all three of his island Activists. The developers have cast the Labour guys as ghosts in honour of the imminent death of their party in Scotlandshire.

The spectral SLab four desperately pursue our man round the town, chanting: "the largest party always gets to form the government: FACT", while tearing down his posters and trying to steal his canvass returns before they can be added to the Activate database.

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New Ashcroft poll shows SNP would be third biggest party in England

By Avril Folle, our Westminster Correspondent

snp-englandA new poll by Lord Ashcroft has suggested that the Scottish Nationalist Party would become the third biggest party in England if they were to contest English constituencies.

The poll asked over one thousand voters in England how they would vote if each of the parties contesting the general election were standing in their own constituency, and included Sinn Fein, the Ulster Unionists and the SNP.

The Nationalists came third on 24%, after Labour on 28% and the Conservatives on 32%. UKIP were fourth on 9% and the Liberal Democrats trailed in sixth place on 3% behind the Greens on 4%.

Pulling the results through Electoral Calculus suggests that the SNP would pick up 57 seats if they stood candidates in England, making then the third largest party in that country. If polls in Scotland are correct, this could net the SNP over 100 seats in total, ensuring that they held the balance of power in the Westminster parliament.

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Alex Salmond rushed to Aberdeen Royal Infirmary

By Hellanor Broadbrush, Our Health and Ill-being correspondent

Alex Salmond at book launchAlex Salmond has been rushed by ambulance to Aberdeen Royal Infirmary after a serious storeroom accident.

The former First Minister, who is 60 years old, was found floating in and out of consciousness by a member of his staff in a storeroom area at his Strichen home in the early hours of this morning.

A spokesperson for Aberdeen Royal Infirmary acknowledged a 60 year old man had been admitted this morning after an incredibly short four hour stay in Accident and Emergency.

The spokesperson commented: “A 60 year old male was admitted in the early hours of this morning in a semi-conscious state following a blunt force trauma injury to the head. The man is in a stable condition in our high dependency unit.”

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Scottish Secretary Blocks SNP 'trick' to make Holyrood permanent

By Port Smith-Furst, our Scotlandshire Office Correspondent

carmichael-fingerAn SNP plan to give the Scottish Parliament legal permanence has been blocked at the last minute by Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael-Moore.

The clause, which would have removed the UK government's right to disband Holyrood, had been sneaked into the Smith Commission recommendations by MSP John Swinney, the Scottish Government's bookkeeper.

If allowed to pass through into legislation, it would have allowed the SNP to do whatever they wanted without fear of their government being disbanded whenever they 'stepped over the line'.

Mr Carmichael-Moore explained: "This could have been a disaster if it hadn't been spotted by a sharp-eyed civil servant.

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As parliament is prorogued, the SNP prepare their alien invasion

By Terry Fayed-Nation, our Extraterrestrial Correspondent

daleksAs the mother of all parliaments, Westminster, enters its final recess before the General Election, a pall of fear hangs over the institution. A terror of the enemy within. A tangible horror of change.

The Scottish Nationalist Party are preparing to become King-makers in an institution where Kings are genetically programmed to rule, and need no help from such alien Jockistani upstarts as these.

The imminent demise of the Labour Party's operation in Scotlandshire, for no greater a crime than the defence of the very realm itself, seems likely to unleash the apocalypse upon an unsuspecting nation. An invasion of barbarian SNP MPs who neither know nor care how things have always been done.

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Tae a Louse - On seeing one on Lady Scotia's bonnet in parliament

By Robert Burns, our Prophetic Poetic Correpondent

This is the second in our series highlighting the prescience of the Bard and his relevance to modern Scottish politics.

Tae a louse

Ha! whaur ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie?
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strunt rarely,
Owre gauze and lace;
Tho', faith! I fear ye dine but sparely
On sic a place.

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Miliband will be first normal Prime Minister

By Lucky Alexander, Our Kitchens Under the Sledgehammer correspondent

The Milibands enjoying a cuppa in the servant’s kitchenThe latest Ashcroft poll reveals Labour Party Leader Ed Miliband has managed a massive turnaround to become the most popular UK political leader and predicts he will command a majority even greater than the total secured by Tony Blair in the 1997 general election.

This complete reversal in fortune has followed an intervention to make him appear even more like a normal family man and has left all the opposition parties in complete disarray.

Even the wipe-out predicted in Scotlandshire has been reversed placing the SNP genie firmly back in the bottle.

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