By Trev Eeyah, Our Waste of Space Correspondent

Residents in the accident-prone county of Midsomer have been concerned about the outbreak of tiny doors in popular beauty spot, Wayward Woods.

No one was more concerned than popular beauty Eve Bentback (32). "Most nights, I'm in the woods, and as the doors are in the tree roots, they're at my eye level. For some reason, they open up a bit at the same time I do."

Most residents had assumed that the outbreak of tiny doors was simply down to the stupidity of local parents desperate to give their little princesses a brief moment of happiness, before they were imaginatively slaughtered by the homicidal maniacs, with which the county is plentifully supplied.

However local vicar, Rev Frankly Bonkers, had preached that these fairy doors was simply cover for the intrusion of "sodomite Hell" into their virtuous community.

"We are all natural Tories here, so loyally support UKIP", he brayed, "and accepting any social change is not in our DNA - if such a thing exists, which I doubt. After all, Adam made Eve - as I have also done on many occasions.

"Cottaging in this part of the world refers to the gentry buggering cottagers, and the idea of consensual activities is abhorrent."

Tory MP. Colonel Fatton X Penses, agreed with the vicar that his manurial rights should not be removed by "those Euro shits" and that he was still considering defecating to UKIP "if the money was right." However, he was of the opinion that it had something to do with Scotch immigrants flooding into the county.

"Everyone knows that the Scotch people are stunted in their growth", guffawed Penses, "so these tree rooots will look like palaces to them, compared to the primitive burrows they live in at the moment. Remember, I have actually seen Willie Bain, and he is regarded as a giant by his people.

"Like my friend Max Hastings, I'm a reasonable kind of chap, but there are limits to what we can be expected to tolerate. The Scotch are well beyond those limits. I've told the local Constabulary to clear them out, but nothing seems to have been done."

DCI Barnaby agreed that he had been taken off routine slaughter enquiries and asked to investigate the woods.

"I have now interviewed Ms Bentback on 74 occasions, in a variety of locations, and can confirm that she knows a surprising amount about the matter in hand - though unfortunately nothing at all about the investigation.

"Anyway, I've had a call from Military Intelligence to say that I should delve no deeper into the affair, and would I kindly keep my backside out of the way when the troops are watching Eve, so I presume it's something to do with them."

MoD spokesgnome, Commodore Wingley Shortarse, refused to divulge details of the Wayward Camp, except to say: "This is the final implementation of the Government strategy to downsize the British Armed Forces. We can keep the number of troops the same, just have them a bit smaller. The saving on materials for uniforms and food rations has been phenomenal.

Actually, it's an American idea. During WWII, General Patton described our troops as "a bunch of fu*king fairies".

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BBC England: 'Fairy control' to halt tiny doors in Somerset woods

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