Welcome to BBC Scotlandshire news from the Central Belt. Because we know what's good for you.

 

Blow for SNP as Queen hangs on to the cash

By Neil Down, Our Royal Correspondent

ukipcandsUKIP supporters were jubilant, as Her Majesty stuck two fingers up to grasping Nat MSP, Mark McDonald.

Candidates broke into a spontaneous version of the highly appropriate "Time Warp" as they heard the news. [1]

McDonald had relished the UKIP announcement that they were to put up candidates in (if not actually contest) all 59 Scotch constituencies, jeering "Good of UKIP to make a significant cash donation to Scotland by way of multiple lost deposits. Cheers guys."

UKIP leader, Niggle Forage, sent a triumphant message via superfast broad beaked carrier pigeon to his candidates in the Far North, having previously failed to communicate via the planned video link through being unable to connect the UKIP laptop to the venue's sounding system that had a foreign sounding brand name.

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Labour - "We're fuc*ed in England"

By Withered Vine, Our London Affairs Correspondent

withered"Labour are fuc*ed, shafted, bonked and screwed all over England", ran the flier in a Soho phonebox for a lecture.

Although I am more used to lechers than lectures, I had taken part in much of that myself and, intrigued that I might get a mention, went along. Sadly it was about the next election (and I had just misheard the word).

The theme was an article in something called "Labour Uncut" (the Gentile version, I presume).

"No matter the gains in England and Wales, the basic truth is clear; Miliband cannot become Prime Minister unless Labour, and by extension his arch-foe, 'Creepy' Jim Morphy, claws back hundreds of thousands of votes from the SNP."

My arithmetic isn't the best, but that seemed odd. Even if Labour had grabbed all 573 seats in England and Wales - something even I haven't managed to do - then Miliband still couldn't become PM?

What had happened to the FACT: The largest party will form the government?

But Westminster is strange. Could "party" mean something else? A powerful totem in the hands of Miliband's evil nemesis?

A man with such power I had to have! Creepy Jim - You are mine!

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New Thatcher museum to be located in Dundee

By Archie Teck, our Useless Building Projects Correspondent

brown-thatcherDavid Cameron has given his backing to plans to build a new museum and library honouring the life and achievements of his predecessor Margaret Thatcher1.

The museum will contain specially commissioned models of the Ravenscraig steelworks, the Polkemmet pit and the Clyde shipyards, which Mrs Thatcher helped transform from worthless mass-employers into valuable brownfield development sites.

It will also house artefacts from her time in power - 1979 to 1990 - likely to include a selection of her suits and handbags as well as a set of torn plans for a North Sea gas gathering pipeline.

As a sop to Scottish Nationalists, the Westminister planning team have decided to name the toilets after well-known Scottish union leaders. And next door to the Dennis Thatcher whisky bar and the Mark Thatcher lost children office, will be a children's juice and breastfeeding lounge bearing the legend: "There will be no bevvying".

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Two injured as MP Jim Morphy visits Stornoway Airport

By Wansinna Blumun, our Highlands & Islands Correspondent

murphy-planeTwo passengers sustained minor injuries this morning after a plane came off the runway at Stornoway Airport on the Isle of Lewis.

The Loganair service was due to fly to Glasgow at about 08:30. It is thought it may have been caught in strong crosswinds.

Police Scotland said two men were taken to hospital and two women received minor injuries but declined medical assistance.

Thankfully, Scottish Labour leader Jim Morphy was on the scene within minutes, selflessly helping the injured passengers off the plane and into the safety of a nearby huddle of reporters.

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Scottish Government reveals new plans for Trident replacement

By Lars Hadron-Collider, our Nuclear Correspondent

gnatsIn one of his final acts as First Minister, outgoing premier Alex Salmond has announced his plans to replace the ageing Trident nuclear missile system.

At a press conference in Helenburgh, Mr Salmond revealed that the Scottish Government has developed plans to build a new weapon system, which will be installed before the next Scottish independence referendum, planned for 2017.

The First Minister said that the new system would be "fit to defend the nation against all current and future threats, rather than just those of the cold war."

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Johann La Mont resigns from Labour to join the SNP

By Munger O'Scairs, our Scottish Labour Correspondent

Curran-scowlIn her second shocking revelation this weekend, Ex-leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann La Mont has announced that she has today relinquished her Labour membership and applied to join the Scottish National Party.

Ms La Mont, who had been a Labour member and activist since her teens, resigned as Labour's Scottish "leader" on Friday, claiming her Westminster colleagues were "dinosaurs" who treated Scotlandshire like a "branch office".

Her exit from the Labour Party will be a further blow to Ed Miliband's hopes of forming the next Westminster government, and will only be compounded by her decision to apply for membership of the Nationalists. This is all the more galling as viewers with longer memories will recall that Ed 'gets' Scotlandshire.

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Patronising BT Lady II: You'll have had your serial

By Fahr Q. Yesurs, our U-KOK film reviewer.

fracking-iraquingOver the course of the past two years, BBC Scotlandshire has been consistent in promoting the benefits of this region remaining within the greatest political and economic union in the history of the world.

Throughout that time, our Nat opponents have ridiculed our version of a Better Together Britain, claiming only their side offered hope and prosperity to the people of Scotlandshire.

Now that the referendum has been won, and thoughts of Separation have been set aside for a generation, we celebrate how swiftly our vision of Greater England has begun to be realised.

BBC Scotlandshire is proud to present a new film, commissioned by us from the team which brought you the #PatronisingBTLady, Fibber and Kantz plc, and which shows how far our beloved region has come in just a single month.

We give you, Fracking & Iraquing.

Click here for video...

 

Scottish Labour and Conservatives parties to form even stronger alliance

By Hugh Mungus-Mountebank, our Scottish Political Correspondent

BOBWOver recent days, senior members of the Scottish Labour and Scottish Conservative parties have been holding secret talks concerning their 2015 election strategy, which could lead to the merger of the two parties, BBC Scotlandshire has learned.

Labour insiders say both parties are concerned that falling membership, particularly among younger members, will lead to poor results in the 2015 General Election.

Along with the dramatic rise in the memberships of the splittist-supporting parties, this has led to the current 'crisis talks' taking place between the Labour and Tory leaderships in Scotlandshire.

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Britain blooms as Scotlandshire is unquestionably Better Together

By Gordon Brownlips, our Pensions, Powers and Transplants Correspondent.

BrownlipsSince last Friday's confirmation of Westminster's superiority, life has already become far better for the resident's of Great Britain's most northerly region.

Over the course of just a few short days, in what must be seen as a ringing endorsement of the Better Together campaign, almost every aspect of life in Scotlandshire has shown a rapid improvement.

In the few brief examples I have given below (taken from one of my after dinner speeches) my subjects can see for themselves that, just as I promised you all before the referendum, the UK really is OK.

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Chief Counting Officer announces dramatic change in voting arrangements

By Nadzieja Kwiatkowski, Our Polish [1] Correspondent

ballot boxScotlandshire's Chief Counting Officer, Ms Winding Way, has made a dramatic, but timely, change to the arrangements for the Independence Referendum next month.

"I am required by legislation", she announced, "to ensure that the arrangements for the referendum voting are utterly and transparently fair.

"My vision for the conduct of the referendum is that there should be no barriers to any voter taking part ; voters must have the same experience wherever they are in Scotlandshire ; the referendum will be administered efficiently; and the referendum will produce results that are accepted as accurate.

Read more...

 
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