Welcome to BBC Scotlandshire news from the Central Belt. Because we know what's good for you.


New charity launched to help Daily Mail sufferers

By Dr Amfiel N Offi-Seikh, Our Degenerative Disease Expert

dailymailA new charity will be launched in Edinburgh today which seeks to provide support to victims of one of the most widespread and devastating afflictions in modern Britain – the Daily Mail.

The charity, known as the National Organisation for the Rehabilitation of Angry Nasty Tories in Scotlandshire, or NO-RANTS for short, will be formally launched this afternoon at a ceremony in the Scottish Parliament.

NO-RANTS is the Scottish offshoot of the well-established London charity, the Conservative & Unionist Newspaper Dupe Support group, better known to the public as CUNDStoppers.

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"I was right about Sturgeon", claims Carmichael as second memo is leaked to BBC

By Lingar N Stingk, our 'Neck like a Pawnbroker's Balls' Correspondent

FluffyDisgraced ex Secretary of State for Portsmouth Alistair Carmichael has claimed to have proof that the memo he leaked before the election about a conversation between the First Minister and the French ambassador was in fact completely accurate.

The beleaguered MP for the Northern Isles says a second Scotland Office memo has corroborated the revelations made in the first, finally proving his innocence in the whole affair.

The new memo, a copy of which was sent to the BBC by an unnamed source in Lerwick, records a whispered moment shared between Nicola Sturgeon and a US journalist during the First Minister's current 'takeover' tour of the USA.

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Scot Nat MP forced to apologise over 'joke' about killing English Soldiers

By Douglas Frazer, Surprisingly no relation to Lucy Frazer MP

front-benchAn SNP MP had to apologise last night after coming under fire for making a sick joke in the House of Commons about English soldiers being killed after a mediaeval battle.

During a debate on Thursday, the new Scottish Nationalist Party MP for South East Brigadoon, Jock McSweaty, laughed about how the Scots defeated the English at Sterling Ridge then chased those fleeing the battle until all were either dead or had escaped over the border.

Since McSweaty, a former Queen's Counsel barrister, made the comments he has received angry messages sent to his Facebook page from English people upset over the Natz making light of ethnic cleansing.

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Orangemen are 'a race apart' claims Supreme Salamander of Scotlandshire

By Flegg Kerrier, our Oppressed Ethnic Minorities Correspondent

George-SquareThe most senior officer of the Orange Order in Scotlandshire has claimed that Orangemen are an ethnic minority, different from other Scots, and must be given special treatment as a consequence.

The Supreme Salamander's claims came as a petition was signed by 20,000 Glaswegians who are protesting against the GCC's plans for Orangefest.

The Orange order is planning a day of solidarity with other oppressed religious minorities and political movements from across the world, which will see tens of thousands descend on Glasgow city centre this Saturday.

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The Secret Diaries of A Mole (aged like a blue cheese – phew)

By Ally Carmichael MP (pro tem) our Dissembling and Equivocation Correspondent

carmichael-boardThis week we are proud to present the secret diaries of acting MP for Orkney & Shetland Alistair Carmichael.

It has been a tough week for the recently retired Scottish Secretary and we at the State broadcaster would like to show our support for this honest politician by sharing his innermost thoughts with an eager nation.

We are unable to bring you Mhairi Black's diaries this week as she is on study leave for her final politics exam.

There is also the small matter of the D notice that was placed on her Twitter feed last week.

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Salmond slams Trident safety concerns

By Dee Fensliss, Our Global Geopolitics correspondent

Trident DebateThere was utter confusion at Westminster yesterday when Alex Salmond called for an adjournment debate on the safety of the UK's nuclear deterrent at HM Naval Base Clyde.

The opposition benches, which have been overrun by the SNP members, were once again stuffed with Scottish Nationalist MPs. Members from other parties felt so intimidated that they felt obliged tostaywell away from the chamber, hiding in various bars and subsidised restaurants..

The debate was sparked by a potentially explosive report written by a very junior submariner, who subsequently went on the run for a while, before handing himself into authorities after the public had finally noticed his shenanigans.

A comprehensive Ministry of Defence investigation has given the Trident planet killing system a completely clean bill of health and the UK nuclear naval bases have been proclaimed the most secure military facilities worldwide.

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Unruly SNP 'yobbos' ruin historic Queen's speech

By Nickerless Witch-Hell, Our Royal Toadying Correspondent

Chris-lawThe first Conservative Queen's speech to be put forward in almost 20 years had been 'castrated' by scheming SNP MPs, claims one Conservative grandee today.

The speech, which outlined the government's legislative programme for the next year, was widely expected to include bills on two of the Tories' favourite subjects. Those were: the repeal of the fox hunting ban and the repeal of the 1998 Human Rights Act.

However, to the obvious shocked dismay of both Tory backbenchers and BBC journalists alike, neither of these two flagship Conservative policies were included in Her Majesty's speech.

In fact, there was no reference whatever to fox hunting, and a brief reference to consultation on the issue of ending human rights.

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The decline and fall of the No-man's empire

sad-charmichaelIn the crescents of Edinburgh's new Georgian village,
as the SNP's fortunes still surged on,
the new French Ambassador came to Bute House
to confer with First Minister Sturgeon.

The French Consul General sat in the meeting
to capture the gist of discussion.
He minuted everything worthy of note
in the usual time-honoured fashion.

Then that afternoon the same French diplomat
phoned an unnamed, obscure civil servant
who, while he works secretly for MI5,
is based up here in Melville Crescent.

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Shades of Black II: Mhairi's second week at Westminster

By Mhairi Black MP, The most photographed new MP in over 300 years

mhairi-affirmationThis week we continue our serialisation of the diaries of Mhairi Black MP as she carves out her role in the Westminster parliament.

Throughout most of this week, Mhairi has also been sharing her thoughts and experiences with the public through her Twitter account, @MhairisDiaries.

Sadly, Twitter suspended this account on Thursday morning following a complaint from a Mr D Alexander of Kensington.

The complainant had asserted that: "Since the idea of a 20 year old student from Paisley taking an ultra safe seat from the shadow Foreign Secretary is so utterly preposterous, the account must surely be guilty of 'impersonation'."

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Polling disaster – “It wisnae me”, says Poultice

By Prof John Poultice, the World’s only Bean Counter

curtainsThank you for all your letters of concern after my apparent breakdown on BBC Scotlandshire’s 24 minute marathon election results coverage.

I have now recovered, and been able to analyse and explain away the apparent discrepancies between our poll on ex-SLAB voting intentions, and what the rest of the world is pleased to call “reality”.

We asked “As the Unionist parties Morph into a single blur, former SLab voters are now free to indulge their secret fantasies and vote for any label of their choice. Would you vote – “

Unfortunately, due to a technical oversight, the first possible answer to “Would you vote?” was omitted. That answer was of course, “Not on your f**king life!”

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