Stairheid gets away wi' murrdurr at FMQ's

By Big Brian Taylor-Trash, our Political Editor and former Head of Bias.

lamont-fartWelcome to today's edition of First Minister's Questions. I see Labour's Johann LaMont has just been handed her script. So let's go straight to the debasing chamber and listen to the words of Pall Sink-Layer.

A transcript of today's session follows:

---TRANSCRIPT BEGINS---

PRESIDING OFFICER: Thank you. We now move to First Minister's Questions. Question number one, Johann LaMont.

JOHANN LAMONT: Thank you very much, Presiding Officer. To ask the First Minister what engagements he has planned for the rest of the day.

ALEX SALMOND: My final appointment of the day is back at Bute Hoose, where I will be polishing off a cheeky wee Tunnocks and a brew, as per usual.

JOHANN LAMONT: That's all very nice, but now we know that all the really important jobs in Scotlandshire will disappear faster than a LibDem pledge if the country becomes foreign. We know this from the threats made by the bankers and insurance salesmen we love and fight for.

Perhaps we should rewrite the song: MPs no more, Lordships no more, Expenses no more...

But the First Minister doesn't care about these devastating job losses – Eck talks more number twos than Nicky Clarke, economist & hairdresser to the stars. Trust me he says – everything will be just fine. But it won't be fine – it'll all be horrible and smelly in a separate Scotlandshire. He is just a big fat liar!

PRESIDING OFFICER: Now, now Ms LaMont, The word "liar" is unparliamentary language.

JOHANN LAMONT: I'm astonished! He really IS a big fat liar! He lies about everything,
all the time! The only reason he's not lying now is because he's not speaking. But he's probably thinking up a lie as I speak.

PRESIDING OFFICER: Now, now Ms LaMont, I've already told you the word "liar" is unparliamentary language.

JOHANN LAMONT: Well, he still is, so there!

Scotlands-first-minister ALEX SALMOND: I have just received a tweet from Angus MacNeil MP who tells me that the Proclaimers are very angry with Ms LaMont. It seems the twins don't give a hoot about SLab MP's jobs or their prospects of ermine.

I also see that Jim "Sincerity" Murphy MP has replied to Angus in a tweet in which he condemns online cybernat abuse for the umpteenth time. It says, "FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF YA BIG TEUCHTER BASTIRT!"

I must say, in the gentlest possible way, that the SLab members here and in Westminster are quite entirely useless Tory-loving wankers who demean their own country at every opportunity.

PRESIDING OFFICER: Now, now Mr Salmond, that is most unparliamentary language. I must insist that you withdraw that remark immediately.

ALEX SALMOND: But Stairheid called me a big fat liar – three times - and she didn't get told to withdraw it.

PRESIDING OFFICER: I'm cutting Ms LaMont a lot of slack – after all, she is not genetically programmed to make political arguments – but you are. So Grow up First Minister!

ALEX SALMOND: OK. Perhaps I went too far. What I should have said is the SLab members here and in Westminster are not quite entirely useless Tory-loving wankers who demean their own country at every opportunity.1

PRESIDING OFFICER: Right that's it Alex. Get oot ma chamber.

---TRANSCRIPT ENDS---

Well, as usual Ms LaMont gets the better of the First Minister in another robust exchange in the chamber. No wonder she is the Hootsman's "Debaser of the Year".

Toodle-u the nu, Nu Labour, that is.

1 © Dennis Skinner MP (well, sort of)


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