BBC Scotlandshire under vicious legal attack from separatists

By R SlickerOur Internal Affairs Correspondent 

Our revered Director General was distressed to find himself under a wholly unwarranted legal attack from the evil separatist scum, and expressed his determination never to submit - until his lawyers told him how much they would charge to contest the allegation.

In simultaneous defiance and submission, we copy the letter here.


Collier and Shyster
3 Pitbing Lane (above the Chippie)
DA37 1FU

Mr Kenny McQuarrell
Director General
BBC Scotlandshire
Atlantic Quay
G7 FU2

Dear Sir or Madam

Miss Netta McLafferty


Our client has instructed us to write to you in connection with a grossly defamatory article written by you and published on 8 April 2013 (or on 14 January 1963, Auchenshoogle time) under the heading Auld Woman Dies.

In support of the campaign to keep Scotland under the heel of British imperialism and in full knowledge of our client’s funding of the Yes Scotland campaign to the tune of £1.60 and a packet of caramel wafers. you deliberately, with malice aforethought and afterthought, did remove some of our client’s words so as to wholly mislead your readership and traduce our client’s reputation.

Miss McLafferty is portrayed by you as a mean minded wee besom motivated only by personal animosity and you misquote our client as having referred to her dead neighbour, Mrs Philomena McClumpherty as "a pentit hoor." Our client did not, and never would, say this about the dead woman. It is a false lie which caused huge hurt to our client. Her actual words were "a glaikit-pussed pentit TORY hoor wi' a face like a skelped erse and an erse the size o’ Schiehallion".

While our client welcomes free and fearless debate, she will not let her reputation for use of colourful language and her membership of mainstream political opinion in Auchenshoogle be tarnished by such truncated mis-representation.

These allegations cannot go uncorrected. Our client advised that she is entitled to commence legal proceedings against you for defamation. We know that, because we so advised her – just as we advised McWhirter the Butcher that he was entitled to commence legal proceedings against Mr McWhillamy who allowed his dog to piss aganst the lamppost outside his shop, thus causing confusion as to which smell was worst.

We have advised our client that she may receive substantial damages. Unfortunately, our other clients have told the auld bitch that they would all be swallowed up in our fees, so she simply demands that her words be properly contextualised so that she can take her proper place at Mrs McClumpherty’s funeral, without the stigma of being mealy mouthed and insufficiently hating the Tory ruling class.

Despite the heading on this letter, publishing it would probably do the trick, and your lawyers and ourselves would be able to enjoy a really good Fish Tea.

Yours for Scotland




Collier & Shyster LLB (well nearly)


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