By May Kupanummer, Our Polling Specialist

A shock new poll commissioned by BBC Scotlandshire has plunged the SNP and the Yes campaign into disarray, as it discovers support for separation has plunged to a disappointing 0 (zero) percent.

The poll which was conducted by dull and droning polling expert, Prof John Poltice was carried out around Glasgow, Edinburgh, Inverness and Aberdeen between the months of July and November in a particulat year, and found that not a single person interviewed wanted Scotlandshire to separate from the UK.

A Better Together spokesnegator said, “Alex Salmond must now back away from this daft referendum which is creating huge uncertainty. It is clear no one, absolutely no one, in Scotlandshire - bar himself - supports this idiotic notion of separation from the rest of the UK, and to drag us all through two years of this nonsense is nothing but personal vanity.”

The poll comes as a bitter blow to Separatist campaigners as they struggle to regain any kind of credibility following a calamitous few months of uncertainty. They stumbled over EU membership, tripped over currency, paid the cost of their 'pound for independence', and can't even describe what independence means.

It also comes soon after Prime Minister David Cameron seized the initiative in the debate by offering an in/out referendum on the EU, proudly offering Britons a democratic choice on continuing EU membership in seven years time.

Oor Willie Rennie, leader of the late Liberal Democrats enthused:

“This is fantastic news. It really shows the Scottish people are rejecting the lies and rejecting separation. To go to a percentage of zero, down from the previous low of 23% means there's been a whopping slump of 23%! (er, ed, could a statistician check that out?).

Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson was unable to comment as her head was spinning too fast to engage with the microphone.

SNP deputy leader and Yes minister, Nicola Sturgeon, who is still pretending to support separation (probably to keep her job) said:

“Clearly, this poll showing no one at all supports separation apart, maybe, Alex, is disappointing and shows how much work the Yes campaign still has to do. However it would be daft to read too much into polls before...” before BBC Scotlandshire got bored, or the mike stopped working or something.

Professor Poltice, commenting on the poll later on Newsnicht, undermined:

“Well it's very telling indeed that Ms Sturgeon used the word “maybe” earlier. So perhaps even our First Minister doesn’t support separation any longer – if he ever did.

"It's early days in the separation campaign, and it would be folly to predict the result or read too much into polls at this stage, but clearly the Yes campaign have lost it totally and Scots will produce the resounding NO they are expected to in 2014.”

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Independence Denying London Elite Supporting Westminsterites Intimidating Nationalist Enthusiasts sneered:

“Well, ah may no agree wi' ma Tory freen on awthing, bit at least he's gie'in the fowk a demmycratic choice through a referendum on the EU, eh?

“That’s something that cannae be said fir yon fat bastard dictator sitting there in Bute Hoose who widnae be seen deid gie'in the people ay Scoatlandshire any kind ay demmycratic choice cos he's a fat dictator who'd jist scoffs pies (or pehs when he’s in Dundee), eh?”

For more details of that poll, if you're the kind of tedious obsessive who wants it – click here

Related Articles

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.