The Church of the Iron lady

By Vicar Wingit Ower Scotlandshire – Bigotry, Conspiracy and Rangers Correspondent

ed-thatcherBBC Scotlandshire has uncovered a high level plot by a powerful cult to sublimely shape the future direction of the United Kingdom. Over the last two decades, the Church of the Iron Lady has been growing silently within the corridors of power, with cult leaders secretly recruiting new members from the top echelons of the establishment.

The Church of the Iron Lady was founded in the 1980s by sycophants of Margaret Thatcher, the Conservative Prime Minister of the day. Devoted worship of Lady Thatcher started after she commissioned the free for all expenses system and delivered stonking salary increases for MPs.

Ex- Church member Jerry Hayes told BBC Scotlandshire that when he entered the Commons in 1983 MPs' salaries were inadequate at £14,510 a year.

He recalled:

"Margaret Thatcher ordered an independent review that recommended rises that would make even Jacqui Smith blush. But that would have enraged voters. So Mrs Thatcher rejected it. MPs were furious. To appease them, they were encouraged to supplement their salaries through the expenses system. Recompense would replace remuneration."

"When I was initiated the Church was for true believers, restricted to those who had been born into privilege and wealth. Greed and the accumulation of wealth for the sake of it were in the very genes of the purist lay member."

"Believers knew how to sell the trickle down message without having an attack of the giggles. "

But it all started to go wrong for the Church of the Iron Lady when the Order of the Red Rosette abandoned their fight against the Church. A series of high profile conversions took place shortly afterwards which threatened the purity of the Church's teachings.

Commenting further, Jerry Hayes told BBC Scotlandshire:

"Tony Blair, one of the first high profile con-versions, had the audacity to ask for private tuition in the Teachings of Thatcherianity. "

ThatcherBrown 450x300"It sickened me to see our figurehead on Earth being invited to tea with the Brown one, who stood idly by when the Church's founding principle of unlimited receipt-free expenses was attacked by the Guardian."

Commenting further Mr Hayes told us:

"Don't be too hard on today's MPs! It's been like this for decades. This lot just got caught."

"Mr Brown is not to blame for the greed – the person responsible for filling more boots than Imelda Marcos is Margaret Thatcher!"

BBC Scotlandshire has learned from a Church insider and fixer that the purity of the Church has been diluted over the years as new members came on board from others across the political divide.

The insider then became highly emotional when discussing the future outlook for The Church of the Iron Lady:

"The latest infiltrators to the Church are demanding we go further and faster than our glorious Iron Lady ever wished. Fundamentalists are worried about the new extremist perversion of a once simple Geckoist message of 'greed is good' to something far more sinister."

BBC Scotlandshire has been informed the Church is pushing to extend it sphere of influence to encompass Scotlandshire. Two months ago Johann Lamont, the Scotlandshire leader of New Blue Labour, attended the Westminster Shadow Cabinet. This trip to London was nothing more than a cover story to facilitate the initiation of Johann into the Church.

Speaking to BBC Scotlandshire over a secure link, a CyBOS Team Leader told us:

"Our intelligence operation had identified a change in enemy combatant activity at the secret bunker in George Square. Normally Juliet Lima [Johann Lamont] only leaves the bunker for a few hours on a Thursday, generally around about lunchtime, but we discovered she had travel plans to the Westminster bubble for an alleged 'cabinet meeting' chaired by Ed Miliband.

"A surveillance operation was set-up to closely monitor these activities, during which one of our operatives witnessed Johann Lamont being initiated into the Church of the Iron Lady. No amount of training can prepare an Agent to be witness to such an atrocity!"

The initiation ceremony details are far too perverse for public consumption without first editing out the most sickening parts.

Maggie Thatcher Statue

Johann was seen to dust down the buttock area of a statue of the Iron Lady before puckering up and planting one firmly on the right cheek of the effigy.

Throughout the ceremony her proposer Ed Miliband was prostrating at the Iron Lady statue, "We're not worthy, we're not worthy....cuts, cuts, cuts... the ladies not for turning!"

It was during those last words that Johann Lamont shimmied right before exclaiming:
”Auld Labour is an ex-parrot! It is not merely stunned but has ceased to be, expired and gone to meet its maker. It is a parrot no more. It has rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is a late parrot…. And now for something completely different!”

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of Making Incredible Non-receipted Transactional Expense Deductions commented:

"See that f***in cult, it tried tae con-vert me but I soon goat thum telt a didnae need oniewan tellin me how tae help maself tae tax payers' munaye! Goad help any basterd who gets in ma road!"

"Iron Lady ma arse... if she gies me that demented look wan mare time she'll be gettin a doin!"

Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she has taken a Church of the Iron Lady sanctioned vow of silence.

However, a bunker spokesperson did see fit to respond:

"Johann was very disappointed the real Lady Thatcher had to be replaced by a statue for the initiation ceremony!"


Related Articles

The Herald: Lamont to attend Shadow Cabinet

The Telegraph: Did Margaret Thatcher really start the expenses scam?

The Miiror: Tony Blair called Margaret Thatcher for political advice, Alastair Campbell reveals

BBC: Brown welcomes Thatcher to No 10

Youtube: Margaret Thatcher does the Dead Parrot Sketch


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