By Anne Drumar, our Prevaricating Correspondent.

LONDON CALLING:

The BBC are proud to be associated with the campaign to elect Jim Murphy to the position of leader of the Labour party branch office in Scotlandshire and our management are happy to endorse Mr Murphy's candidacy.

To this end, we gave him a unique platform on UK-wide TV this morning where he slagged off the SNP made a strong case for why he should be First Minister Branch Manager King of SLab Scottish Leader.

In particular, he explains why a man who spent 9 years studying at a Scottish university, before leaving without a degree, should be placed in charge of Scottish education.

[Hold on Anne, you're going right off message here. Get this crap taken down ASAP: ED]

The following is a transcript of part of the first take of this recorded interview (you surely don't think we'd risk going live with this) which was considered a little too honest revealing to broadcast:

Anne Drumar: So Jim, old pal, what is it that makes you the only sane choice as leader in Scotlandshire?

Jim Murphy: Well Anne, I think it's time someone apologised to the Scots for not listening to them in the past. The country spoke to us in 2007 and again in 2011 and we ignored them.

Anne Drumar: On both of those occasions the nation told you emphatically to fu*k the fu*k off. So, are you listening now?

Jim Murphy:Yes we are, Anne. In fact my job, if elected leader, will be to do exactly what the people have asked of us.

Anne Drumar: But why would you, a Westminster MP, want to lead the party in Scotlandshire when you are already a cabinet minister in the real parliament in London?

Jim Murphy: Well, normally you would have a point, Anne. But in this case Ed made it perfectly clear to me last year that there will never be a place for me in his cabinet, shadowy or otherwise – apparently I backed the wrong brother in the last leadership bash.

You'll have noticed I was sacked resigned from my current position as International Development Secretary today. That's why I had to go on my 100 Grannies tour before the indyref and get my profile up.

Anne Drumar: But why Scotlandshire? Particularly when your party is about to undergo a mass extinction event over the next 18 months.

Jim Murphy: Because Ed also made it clear that it was head north or nothing. This my last chance for the big house and my ermine jaiket is on a shoogly peg right now. That's why I need to win this leadership election and deliver the Scots, as always, to Ed's campaign in May.

Anne Drumar: But surely you can't expect to reinvigorate the party while you are still an MP – that makes you part of the problem, not the solution.

Jim Murphy: That won't be an issue, I expect one of the current MSPs will suddenly step down allowing me to enter Holyrood before May.

Anne Dumar: But each of your three chosen victims candidates has refused to step aside to let you in.

Jim Murphy: Right. So they have. But I think you'll find that everyone has something in their past they're not particularly proud of – I know I have. An undeclared donation, a sexual misdeed, an unhelpful association – I'm confident something will turn up. Remember Henry and Wendy? They were much bigger fish than those three unhelpful bastirts.

And don't forget Robin Cook, even very senior politicians can sometimes meet with unfortunate accidents. Westminster MPs don't call us the Scotch Mafia for nothing you know. Ken Mac better watch he doesn't end up kipping with the kippers.

You know, Anne, it is amazing how a plan can come together. I only had to kiss Anas's (©Ed Balls) ring once and he stepped down as deputy leader on no more than the merest of hint of replacing Mags Curran, leaving the back door wide open for Kezia to take up Anas's position.

Anne Drumar: Ok, assuming that you manage to make a sitting MSP an offer they can't refuse and get into Holyrood, how can you be sure you are even going to win the leadership election? There are two other candidates, after all. Just because we chose not to ask them onto the programme doesn't mean they don't exist.

Jim Murphy: Yes the other candidates are both good people and very competent, but I have the right team behind me, including the BBC. All the guys who promoted me shamelessly during the referendum campaign, for no obvious reason, are now working hard on my campaign.

There is plenty of Tory money Better Together funding left over as well. That cash doesn't run out until 12th of December, which is why we set the election date for a few days before then. All that cash, and the staff and facilities it pays for, have now been diverted to support my campaign.

And on top of that, our old Better Together pals are on side too. You don't think I could win this contest without the support of the Orange Order, any more than I could stay an MP without their backing. Plus, the boys are useful if we need to break up any of those embarrassing food-bank collections.

As a quid-pro-quo, one of my first acts as First Minister will be to establish an Orange Lodge within the gates of Celtic Park for the very first time. Michael McMahon MSP is already working with his best buddies in the Orange Lodge to 'prepare the ground'. Rod Stewart is working on a song to commemorate the momentous event, entitled "Hail hail the Huns are here!", along with his classic, "I am Hailing".

Anne Drumar: Well, it seems you have 2015 sown up, but what are your plans for 2016 and the Holyrood elections.

Jim Murphy: I couldn't give a shite about 2016. As long as Ed wins in May, we'll have devolved any real powers in Holyrood to Labour (and Better Together Labour/Tory) controlled councils by 2016, so it won't matter who wins in the wee pretendy parliament.

Besides, if my plan works out, I'll be warming my bony arse on an overstuffed red leather bench by then. A totally reformed senate one, of course. but £300 a day tax free for eating an excellent lunch followed by a nap is still very nice work, whatever you call it.

Anne Drumar: Thank you, First Minister, thank you.

Jim Murphy: No, thank you BBC. Thank you very much indeed!

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