Jim runs to the rescue of ailing elite

By Broun Noesing, our Hagiography Correspondent

prohibition endJim Murphy is delighted to be entering the leadership contest for Branch Manager of the Labour in Scotlandshire outfit. Initial pre-selection rounds included synchronised avoidance and personal advancement prioritising tasks, which we are led to believe Jim excelled at.

Speaking of his announcement Mr Murphy said : "I'm delighted to be standing for First Minister... what do you mean I need to be an MSP... anyway, I am delighted to be here today representing the Left Wing politics of the Labour Party in this contest.

"I believe that Labour can show a different way of doing things, of working for the welfare of our constituents with an overall cap on the Welfare budget, a household benefit cap and a limit of two years to the time you can spend on the dole as part of our more caring Austerity package.

"Many of you will have read about the 'bedroom tax', which penalises those with an unused bedroom and may lead to thousands being forced to move home as a result.

"This was started by Labour for private tenants, giving the Tories the opportunity to extend it out, but now it has been mitigated by the Scottish Government I promise that we in Labour will never speak well of it again, ensuring that the Scottish public are never again bothered by the hated Bedroom Tax.

daleks-on-westminster-bridge"Some call me right wing for my unwavering support of Trident, Blairism, Military Interventionism, Israeli apartheid, austerity and cuddlier welfare cuts; but I am glad to say that with the rise of UKIP and the severe rightward shift of UK politics, that I am now pure left wing.

"I haven’t moved, but it appears that being a pro-nuke hawkish neo-liberal interventionist is the ideological left wing of British Politics"

"As such I invite you all to join me in ushering in a new age 'left' wing Labour and our Neoliberal, Militaristic, Austerity vision of Scotlandshire"

In an era in which the sons of privilege dominate British politics, Jim Murphy stands out with a powerful personal back-story.

The future cabinet minister’s parents lived in cramped conditions on a housing estate on the south side of Glasgow in the late 1960s but, while his mother was heavily pregnant, his parents travelled to Edinburgh to a Holiday Inn which was located on Bethlehem Way for a taxing family engagement, the planned baptism of baby Murphy once born, to be witnessed by three of the oldest Labour Mafia Dons. However Murphy’s first days were spent in a chest of drawers due to an oversubscribed Hen Party which left no other room at the Inn.

Speaking of that night his mother Mary recalls "We knew he was special when the three wise-guys we’d travelled to get the blessing of, popped round to the room for a night in with us and Baby Jim. It was really nice of them, and they brought Gold Blend, Frankenstein (on Video) and Old Spice as a gift.

murphy  popeJim soon realised that he was destined for greatness when in 1997 in the once safe Tory seat of Eastwood, south of Glasgow, Jim managed the impossible and ousted the Tory candidate.

Bemused locals moaned that they had met Jim, talked to him, listened to his politics, hawkishness and nuclear stance and been confused into thinking they were voting for the Tory candidate.

It was a breakthrough Jim would never forget.

Friends believe that Murphy’s background as the son of a Glasgow builder, who was forced to emigrate to South Africa to find work, provide a compelling narrative that shaped his worldview.

It is after all hard to fault the opportunities that the UKs foreign embassies have afforded Jim and his family in helping them move to another country to escape the dead end industrial bleakness of London run Scotlandshire.

"It was a turning point for me and my family, knowing we could escape this backwards economic hellhole that deprives the young of opportunity" said Murphy, "and it was the union that let me escape to the beauty that was apartheid South Africa... that’s why I love the Union so much that I went on a hundred town granny roaring tour".

"Of course I returned to the UK at 18 to dodge conscription, but always warmly remember my time in South Africa and the wonderful opportunity it offered my UK family... which is completely different to immigrants here in the UK that need to be curbed due to their failure to integrate and determination to play the system and give nothing back".

Mr Murphy's campaign slogan is : "I'm proud to be Scottish. Cut me and I bleed Irn Bru."

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