By Nat Butcher, Political Correspondent

The Labour party in Scotland is frantically searching for the identity of the governors of BBC Scotlandshire, say Holyrood insiders, as a precursor to demanding its closure.

It seems that Labour are finding the pro-union, anti-Scottish-government bias editorial stance of this channel unhelpful to their 'better no' campaign, and would prefer if the spoof channel, BBC Scotland, were given a monopoly over SNP-hating and anti-independence spin.

The BBC Scotlandshire management would like to express their personal disappointment at this development, coming as it does after months of pro-union articles and images on the channel. This has been particularly demanding for our journalists as they have been waiting – week after week – for the long-promised positive case for the union to make itself known.

In the absence of this desperately-awaited case, they have been left with nothing else beyond personal attacks of SNP members, particularly those in the Scottish government. The betrayal by Scottish Labour – for that is what it is – is all the worse as we learn that personal attacks are now the policy of the party, and there is to be no positive case. How much more could we have done, we ask?

Besides, if you are looking for us, we're just the other side of the Clyde.

BBC Scotlandshire contacted Anas Sarwar, and asked him if it was true that Scottish Labour were targeting the channel. He gave us a written statement in which he said:

"I welcome the start of the debate on whether Scotlandshire Labour should be supporting the millions or the millionaires. That's why we're better together. Well, I certainly feel better when I'm together with other millionaires.

The SNP have many questions to answer, such as why are they called the Scottish Nose Pickers? An independent Scotland will not only be forced out of Europe, but will also be forced to join the Euro and eat nothing but frog's legs on a base of sauerkraut.

"Alex Salmond knows all this, but will not come clean with the voters. He wants an independent Scotland to use electricity, but hasn't even asked the electricity fairy's permission. He wants to eat fish and chips, but has not bothered to ask the Spanish or the Irish.

He even wants us to drink whisky, but hasn't yet got round to asking Diageo if that's OK. He wants the curry - he can't handle the curry!

In fact, the First Minister is living in fantasyland (and hasn't even asked Walt Disney).

"Now, of course Scotland would survive as a separated country. Naturally it would prosper and become a richer and fairer nation, an example to the world. Clearly separationalism would let us tackle the divisions and inequalities in our society. Without question it would be better for Scots themselves to make the important decisions affecting their country and their future. All of that is self evident.

Crucially, separation would stop Scotland from being governed by a Tory government for generations, even when it's their turn to have a shot. And, without the Tories, how would new Labour ever win in Scotland again. Separation simply isn't worth it if that's the price we need to pay. Labour and the Tories are definately better together.

Now, I love my country, BUT..., separation would mean that Chris Hoy would need to cycle on his own in the next Olympics. I know he will have retired by then, so my point is utterly ridiculous, but that Grainger woman would certainly need a smaller boat. When I watched the Olympic dressage, I didn't just empathise with the front of the horse, I completely identified with it's arse as well. That is what being a Scottish Labour Unionist means to me."

We asked Labour's Scottish health spokesdissembler to comment and she said:

"Yeah but, no but, yeah but, that's not true. Everything the SNP say is a lie, or even two or three lies at the same time. And Alex Salmond is the worst. He's just a big fat liar.

None of us would buy a second hand pie off Alex. If it was second hand, it would already have been eaten and passed out of his bum. That would be terribly unhygienic. I should know, I'm the health expert for the party. And the lying expert too. I should know. Listen to me! TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!"

Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Blindly Acquiescent Westminster Scottish Affairs Committee, fibbed:

"Goin efter a wee satirical web site tae try and close it doon? I hope that's a joke! Ah'd love tae wipe those BBC Scoatlandshire natz buggers aff the internet efter the doin's they give me every week, but can youse imagine the publicity they would get? An' the number ay visitors?

We would look like petty wee numpties that couldnae ston tae laugh at oorsells. Whit giid wid that dae, even if it's true? Naw. Even me an ma committee wildnae want tae be seen in as bad a wiy as that! An' we dinnae care how ridiculous we look."

Leader of Labour in Scotland Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment, as she was looking up the meaning of satire, having misread it as Saltire.

Related Articles

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.