Scottish Tory conference: Cameron warns vote will be 'life-ending decision'

By Gerry Atrick, our Minor Scottish Parties Correspondent

doublecrossDavid Cameron has described the referendum on Scottish independence as "a major life-ending decision". Mr Cameron made the comment during a speech to the Scottish Conservative Party conference in Edinburgh.

The Prime Minister continued:

“Of course Scotlandshire could govern itself. So could Kent, Carlisle or Coventry. But why would you want to when we do it so much better than you ever could?

“Some of us are simply born to govern, and others are merely born to be governed. And you are such.

“You wouldn't buy a 14 bedroom highland shooting estate without first setting up a trust fund to pay for it, would you. Scotlandshire is our trust fund.

“You wouldn't buy a Bentley without making sure you could afford the outrageously extravagant fuel consumption. Scotlandshire is the free petrol pump in our back garden.

“And you shouldn't make a decision about who owns your nation – forever - without doing some homework.

“Well, I have done that homework for you, and I can tell you that WE own your nation. Be in no doubt about that. I actually own quite a large chunk of it myself. And so do most of my chums.

“Delegates, you Scotch must learn once more to know your place. You became part of England over 300 years ago when Scotland was extinguished and Scotlandshire was formed. That is the law. And I will fight with every fibre of my being to keep it that way.

“I'll fight, of course, as long as it doesn't involve debating with that slimy toad Salmond..., or speaking to actual Scottish voters..., or having to come up with any sort of +ve case for Scotlandshire staying in the Union.

"But all of my other fibres will be fighting as hard as they can, even though this separation malarkey is purely a matter for the Scotch. It was your own Lord George Ffoulksake who told me that. And he seems very keen on the Scotch.

“And rest assured, there is no democratic deficit in Scotlandshire. You send us 'Paddington' Mundell and we send you biting austerity in return. You get rid of the threat of independence, and we'll get rid of that pesky Barnett formula. That's democratic, surely. And, trust me, it's as democratic as it's going to get.”

pacemakerThe Prime Minister then went on to treat the assembled delegates to a litany of British loveliness such as few had heard before in all of their 90 odd years on this Earth.

“In summary”, he said, “I am here to make a purely emotional appeal to the voters of Scotlandshire, and that emotion is fear.

"This vote on separation will be a life-ending decision. Be absolutely sure you make the right one. For, as you know, right is always the best option. Ask Ed Miliband.

“Fellow delegates, as I look around this hall I can see that few of you have many years of life remaining. Why ruin the little time you have left by making decisions. Life is uncertain enough without your being presented with choices. How much better to just keep things exactly as they are.

“That's why you became Conservatives after all. To keep everything exactly as it is. Everything is much better like that. Better together.

“Consider which of the two futures on offer you would prefer: being dumped alone in the cold and unforgiving care home of separation, or remaining in the lovely warm granny flat of our UK family of nations.

“On the one hand, you are being offered: Nasty cybernat abusers, juvenile delinquents, deep-fried heroin, danger, life savings made worthless, skivers and benefit cheats stealing your cash, Gypsies stealing babies, the Scotch Rugger team, drunken communist paedophiles stalking your grandchildren, foreigners, strangers, darkies next door, Muslim terrorists at large and change - dreadful, frightening, uncertain change.

“On the other hand, you can have: Nice warm beer, the Royal family, the sound of leather on willow, the tinkle of a Morrisman's bells, the wonderful war to end all wars, the smile on Margaret Thatcher's kindly face, our brave boys in Basra, a fluffy little kitten, pension tax relief, Miss Marple, 1966, good manners, good breeding, Midsomer whiteness, a nice cuppa, certainty and universal pleasantness. Ahhh.”

As the Prime Minister approached  the climax of his speech, one delegate had a heart attack, two more suffered fatal strokes, and the chairwoman of the Morningside and District Conservative & Unionist Association reached a climax of her very own, for the first time in more than 30 years.

Ashes to ashes

bowie-aladdinIn other news, ageing rocker Aladdin Sane has apparently regretted his recent missive in which he had super model Kate Moss (the face of coke) ask everyone in Scotlandshire to come and stay with him. It seems the idea of a free holiday at Bowie's pad in New York was quite popular among Scots of a certain age.

In compensation for the withdrawal of his offer, the singer has rewritten the words of one of his greatest hits as a message to his Scottish fans.

We asked our music production wing, You Choob Choons, to create a video of the new version. But when it was complete we found ourselves unable to understand the new lyrics, which appeared to have been recorded in ancient Scotch.

We have now had subtitles added for non Garlic speakers and are a little concerned that their message may be leaning a little to the side of Separation.

Let us know what you think below.


Related Items

New Statesman : Full transcript | David Cameron | Speech on Scottish independence


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