By Mendaesh O'Skunt, Professor of Constitutional Affairs at Glasgow Albion University

Anyone resident in a separate Scotlandshire could be required to apply for an English passport and adopt former United Kingdom/English (fUK/Eng) citizenship, claims occasional Highland MP Danny Alexander.

Mr Alexander is First Secretary to the Treasury and a member of the ruling group of four UK ministers, who have recently laid claim to be the owners of the pound Sterling, and who are consequently known as “The Quid”.

The warning stems from a report produced by the independent think tank, the Conservative Organisation of British Bankers, Loansharks, Accountants and Stockbrokers, or COBBLAS which takes its evidence from a little-known clause in the EU treaties of accession.

The clause, which was introduced into EU legislation following the collapse of the London-based  criminal organisation, the British Capitalist Calumny Institute (BCCI), was designed to stop institutions and individuals from escaping their fiscal responsibilities by adopting the passport of a smaller and (therefore) ethically dodgier country.

This ruling, Council Directive 95/26/EC of 29 June 1995, makes the following 2 provisions:

1. The citizens of any small EU member state which does most of its trade with another larger member state, must adopt the nationality of the larger member state.
   
   
2. That this ruling is only to be imposed when there is a risk of citizens of the smaller state avoiding higher taxes and/or lower level services imposed within the larger state.

The director and CEO of COBBLAS, Dr. Hansom le Paid, warns that residents of a separate Scottish state within the EU would be forced to adopt English nationality to prevent them from escaping fUK/Eng austerity measures or taking advantage of a more generous tax and benefit system provided by the Scottish government.

Any Scots who refused to relinquish their Scottish identity, claims Dr le Paid, would be subject to EU sanctions which may include being banned from playing or watching cricket, being denied access to the BBC's flagship drama 'Eastenders' or even, for repeat offenders, withdrawal of voting rights in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Wide scale non-conformance with the requirements of the directive could lead to an EU wide ban on sales of square sausage, caramel logs and Irn Bru, threatening many hundreds of Scottish jobs unless Scots are somehow able to scoff the lot.

Mr Alexander commented on the report, saying: “The devastating COBBLAS report makes it absolutely clear that, if Scotlandshire walks away from the UK, it walks away from being Scottish. The only way to avoid this fate is to vote No to separation and remain North British.”

However, Linda Fandabidozie MSP, a spokesep for dictator Alex Salmond, told this channel, “COBBLAS are talking bollox. Directive 95/26 is of no relevance to an Independent Scotland and is aimed only at international tax-dodgers like David Cameron and George 'Gideot' Osborne. But you won't hear that on the B Bloody C!

“The truth is, Danny 'the Fanny' Alexander is just trying to find a way to stay in fUK/Eng politics when his constituents boot him out of office in 2015. Becoming English may be his only hope of a career.”

Labour's Shadow Secretary of State for International Development, Jim 'Spud' Murphy MP declined to comment on the report, saying: “What part of 'f*ck off' do yous no understand?”

Pretend leader of London Labour in Scotlandshire Johann LaMont was simply too astonished to comment.

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