By David Oik, our Bullingdon Bullying correspondent

Scots can carry on using the pound after independence and even hang onto the Bank of England if they want, says John Osbourne, in a major article for today's New Musical Express (NME).

The singer, better known as Ozzy and no relation to Chancellor George 'Gideon' Osborne, claims independence would be no hindrance to Scots using the pound or even staying in a monetary union with the former United kingdom (fUK).

“Gideon and I have a lot in common,” writes the ageing rockstar, “for example, for many people I am the Prince of Darkness and Gideon is the heir apparent to the Osborne baronetcy – as well as being the Prince of Darkness. Plus, I play the harmonica and he plays the toffee-nosed Governor General.

“I used to be a singer in a renowned rock band and he used to be a towel folder in a posh hotel. Neither is much of a preparation for becoming a finance minister.

“But we both know a bit about numbers: I've had loads of numbers in the charts, and Gideon learned all he knows about maths typing dead people's phone numbers into an NHS database.

“And of course we both have a history with illegal drugs: I allegedly snorted a line of ants but can't remember it, and Gideon allegedly shared a line of coke with a hooker, but can't admit it.

“And most importantly of all, neither Gideon nor I know anything at all about Scotland - or about economics - or politics for that matter.

“But even I, befuddled as I am, know that since Sterling is an internationally tradeable currency, an independent Scotlandshire can use it for as long as it wishes.

“Plus, I concur with most informed commentators and independent economists in my assertion that a currency union, at least in the short to medium term, would be the ideal solution for both the Scots and the fUKers.

“This is indubitably the case in light of the remarkable degree of convergence between the two economies and the close historic trade links they share.

“In fact, as I was saying to Nobel-prizewinning economists Prof. Sir Jim Mirlees and Prof Joseph Stiglitz the other day, Scotlandshire and England are practically the definition of an ideal currency zone. And both professors heartily agreed with my analysis, before sharing a big, fat doobie with me.

“Now, pass me that delicious bat and fook off!”

In other news, Eurovision crooner Manuel 'Barry' Baroso (no relation to European Commission president José Manuel 'Durão' Barroso) told the BBC that an indy Scotlandshire would be quickly and warmly welcomed into the European Union, probably within days of a Yes vote.

“Eeverybody in Europe loves the Scots,” he said, “At least as soon as we realise you're not Eenglish or American we do,” adding, “Anyway, we all thought Scotlandshire was already eendependent.”

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