BBC Scotlandshire is proud to present our first story of 2014. This year is the big one.

By Ally Mentory, our NHS England Correspondent

Recently-gestated Secretary of State vs Scotland, Alistair Carmichaelmoore MP, who had been feared dead, following several weeks of silence, has been found alive and well in Downing street a Westminster spokesetonian has announced.

Mr Carmichaelmoore had been out of contact for some weeks following a hugely embarrassing debate with Scotlandshire's Deputy Dictator, Nicola Sturgeon MSP, leading colleagues to fear the worst.

When he later failed to turn up to a Christmas benefit concert being organised in his honour by Portsmouth City Council, police were alerted and a search of Westminster was initiated.

The popular politician and self-confessed 'bruiser' was soon found snuggled up inside the colon of Prime Minister David Cameron, where he had apparently been sleeping comfortably for days. "They caecum here, they caecum there", commented a senior officer from Scotland Yard.

"He certainly did a fine job of bruising the Prime Minister's chocolate starfish", said Chief of Surgery Mr Aubrey Twattington FRCS who has been treating both politicians in a private London hospital.

"We had considered using an obstetric suction pump to hasten the extraction of the Secretary of State but decided, after perusing the Times online this morning, to let nature take its course. In Scotlandshire, it seems, Mr Carmichaelmoore is universally considered to be a right little shit, so natural defecation seemed the more appropriate option." [Shouldn't that be shite? Ed]

A Downing Street aide, Mr Barnaby Oldschool-Tieboy explained the background to the incident, "Alistair had been feeling a tad undervalued - and quite frankly useless - since the 'debate' with that Scotch harridan and his subsequent ill-considered appearance on Question Time, so he was looking for a nice warm place to relax.

"As a LibDem MP, he automatically sought out the seat of power, secreting himself within number 10 as close as possible to the Prime Minister's own seat.

"As it happens, the PM had loosened his belt after a generous Christmas lunch before sitting down in his study to watch the Queen's speech. As her Royal Highness appeared on screen, David naturally stood to attention and his trousers promptly went south, presenting Alistair with just the opportunity he sought.

"A couple of tics later and it was Up Helly Aa!

"As to his choice of bolt-hole, it should be remembered that the PM is a Conservative MP and ex-Bullingdon boy so in order to find a warm place to hide it was essential to pick the orifice furthest from the heart."

When asked how the Prime Minister could have been unaware that he was carrying the SoS in his intestinal canal, Mr Oldschool-Tieboy replied, "Well, David is quite accustomed to LibDem MPs attempting to climb up his arse, to the extent that he often refers to them as his colon-ition colleagues. He often complains to me that he hasn't so many honourable members trying to enter his lobby since leaving Eton.

"Indeed, since the launch of Project Fear, we have witnessed a new frenzy of Labour politicians climbing up the rectal passages of countless Tories and their donors, just so they can pay the wages in Blytheswood Square.

"Indeed, the Anderston and Blytheswood Hill areas haven't seen so much money changing hands since Glasgow City Council's 'End Prostitution Now Campaign' in 2009 put a stop to many a back close rendezvous.

"However, he had hoped that Alistair had ceased all this unpleasantness after being given a ministerial brief. So, although he was unsurprised to find a LibDem lodging in his large intestine, David was disappointed to discover it to be Portsmouth's man in Westminster.

"And it's not as if old Comical Ally even got his brief on merit. It was either him, Dipsy Kennedy, John (Downton) Thurso or Ming the Merciless – and Ming's been dead for several years now. If he carries on like this, we'll need to replace him with an English Tory. Mind you, the Welsh don't seem to mind that."

Carmichaelmoore himself, recovering from his ordeal today in hospital and looking a little flushed, told this reporter, "Under the circumstances, I have been looking around for a new challenge of late.

"I noticed that the Prime Minister had an enticing opening, so I decided to throw my hat in the ring - then naturally followed it up.

"Ho Ho! Just as well I wasn't wearing the Viking one with the big horns", he japed.

Johann Lamont was, suspiciously, unavailable for comment. Since being invited into the shadowy cabinet, she has been searching for a London alternative to her George Square bunker complex.

The good, the bad and the ugly truth.

In other news, there was both good and bad news for U-KOK in the final months of 2013.

Sadly, for those of us who are Westminster fans and our financial backers in the secret Tory donors' organisation Wealth Accumulators Needing to Keep England Ruling Scotlandshire, a number of high profile Scottish Labour figures decided to join the Separatists - and did so in a woefully public manner.

This move had the potential to deliver great harm to our cause as other Labour supporters saw there was an alternative argument to that being peddled by their leadership.

However, we were able to rely on the services of a number of brainless individuals in the Splittist campaign who helpfully overegged their congratulations and welcomes on social media, some even referring to 'rats deserting the sinking ship' in a generously helpful manner.

This greatly reduced the potential damage of these defections, and should help to ensure that few others are courageous to follow their comrades.

Thank you Bravehearts, from the bottom of our Unionist hearts, for the enemy of our enemy is truly our friend - whatever their motivation. You and we are clearly Better Together.

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