By Pissov Commoners, Our House of Pee-ers Correspondent

The House of Lords represents the genetic elite of Britain. In the modern world, no longer do members need to be the legitimate first born offspring of the aristocracy to be members. The place is full of bastards, but all represent the "Best of British". 

Inexplicably, former PM of the OK UK John Major, failed to gain membership, though his stunning evidence to the Lords Economic Affairs Committee was clear evidence of the primacy of his genetic inheritance - his father having been a circus performer.

Major's entrance to the committee in an exploding car was certinly dramatic, though less dramatic than his vision of how Westminster would get no more audiences in either the Big Top, or Top of the Pops, if Scotlandshire split from the Union.

Fortunately, I was able to access Major's searing comments as to how Westminster's influence in the world through the report in the Huffington Post, instead of having to rely on the craven coverage in the Hootsmon. Surely no other proof is required of Alastair Carmichaelmoore's evidence that "I have seen media outlets feel constrained in their coverage by the bullying of the Scottish Government."

From the Post we learn that the critical factor in Britain's influence in the world is our popular music artists.

Major demonstrated his mastery of youth music when he cited boyband One Direction as one of the British exports which help give Britain an enviable standing across the world.

Television costume drama Downton Abbey and singers Adele and Susan Boyle were also on his list of cultural successes which "reflect a rather favourable impression on Britain".

However, the popular Boyle sisters were dubious about how favourable an immpression they created, and suggested that Major was confusing them with the Beverley Sisters, or perhaps Vera Lynn.

"After all", they sang in harmonious unison, "he described the Beatles as 'established stars', and they broke up more than 40 years ago, and half of them are dead - rather like the Tories in Scotlandshire."

More substantially, Sir John said he spent many months of the year travelling to all parts of the globe on SAGA Tours and that the issue of splittism was increasingly a concern to fellow geriatrics. 

"It has come up in the Far East, it has come up in a number of countries. Simply because they would perceive a country that was damaged and diminished if a chunk of it voluntarily chose to leave," he said.

"They are baffled as to why they should do so but they do observe that if that happened it would diminish us in their eyes."

Various spokesnatives for the ex-colonies in the Far East and elsewhere clamoured to tell me that they fully understood why other nations would want to follow their example and run their own affairs. Wisely, however, I stuck my fingers in my ears and loudly chanted the National Anthem. Thus I can honestly report that I heard not a single foreign voice that contradicted Sir John.

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