By Pat R O'Nising, Our Charitable Correspondent

The campaign to keep Scotlandshire in the bosom of the UK's inclusive family got a major boost today, as a new campaigning force claimed it would be increasing its numbers on the streets and pavements of North Britain.

“Beggars for Britain” was launched at a high-profile media event in London’s  Buckfast headquarters.

Campaign Director, ‘Mingin’ Campbell, said, “We are disgusted by the constant false optimism shown by the so called Third Sector, that it is possible to make things better. We know that that is just pie in the sky (though, if any of you have some loose change to spare, I could go a pie right now).

“Scotlandshire’s beggars know that we have the best of both worlds. We may die of cold and hunger, but we do so happy in the knowledge that we die a true British death.”

Organiser Wassmanameagain? slurred, “Alastair Darling telt me thit abody wid get their ain cardboard box if Scotlandshire sticks tae gingin doon ra dunny wi yon English fowk. Me & ma mates are aw geared up tae staun outside the pollin stations an breathe on onybody thit looks like they micht vote Aye.”

In a demonstration of the entrepreneurial spirit that runs through all true Brits, the campaign’s IT (Indigent Tramp) director announced that he has written an iPad app that will seek out the positive case for the Union. He told BBC Scotlandshire: "I am hopeful that the £0.99 app will net me a few hundred quid from those who work in U-KOK HQ, from the clueless MSPs and MPs who're ineffectually campaigning against Dictator Eck's master plan but mainly from the millions of Scots who have yet to see a positive case for the Union."

An ispokeswoman confirmed they were investigating the application after a number of Cybernats had alerted Apple to the possibility it could be nothing more than scamware and/or scareware.

We asked the new Natz front organisation called “Third Sector Yes” to comment on their rejection by an important client group. “Third Sector Yes”  comprises so-called “individuals” with expertise in education, human rights, social care, gender equality, poverty and many other areas that they believe will be best tackled and supported by splitting Scotlandshire away from the only source of wealth in the UK – London.

They replied – but we weren’t listening.

Fortunately, we were able to get an incisive and accurate comment from a neutral source.

Conservative Central Office Treasurer, Makmine Abigwan, said, "While the question of Scotch splittism is one for them alone to decide on, it is regrettable that some in the Third Sector have decided to abandon impartiality and align themselves with the poor. Our 'Big Society' project was designed to transfer care of the impoverished away from Government to the caring mercies of the rich. That would have created opportunities for these third sector people to give themselves the much higher salaries that would be necessary for them to mix socially with the rich and powerful.

"It's a mystery to us why these people in Scotlandshire don't see the clear benefit to themselves that would result from embracing our philosophy. Laughable as it might sound, it's almost as if they actually care about the less fortunate (or wasters as we normally call them). It's almost as if they live in a different country from us."

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