Chairchoob wounded by CyberNat character assassination
By Slur Peddler, Our Be Nice to People Correspondent
In common with all decent media and loyal British politicians, we deprecate the foul personal attacks on calm, reasoned and decent people made by CyberNats and their interweb based "news" outlets like the despicable Newsnet Scotlandshire.
There can be no excuse for trawling the pages of obscure publications such as The Times for quotes that can be taken out of context and used to destroy the reputation of innocent and mild-mannered politicians like the revered Chairchoob of the Select Committee of Relaxed, Even Calm, Langourous, Insightful, Never Insulting, Nurturing Gentlemen, Ian Davidson MP.
In an outrageous misrepresentation of his words, (the soon to be Lord) Davidson was accused of saying that "the debate will go on in the sense there is a large number of wounded still to be bayoneted". Eager to learn the truth, I contacted Mr Davidson's office but was told that he was unavailable due to his "reclining state of health". No further explanation was forthcoming.
Posing as a health consultant, I was able to gain total access to NHS England's database to discover his whereabouts (No one in NHS England plc will deny access to a "healthy profits consultant" for fear of putting off prospective private health providers).
At the Edwina Currie Home for Reclining Gentlefolk [1], I spoke to the senior psychiatric nurse, Ms Bonny Buttocks (also available from Stripogram Health Providers Inc). She sighed and said, "Oh dear, yet another incident! I did hope that we were making progress with him. Still, if he didn't specifically mention bayoneting wounded women, that may be progress of a sort.
"I'm afraid that Ian's background in the Scottish Borders meant that he never learned the correct words to use in his attempts at loving relationships with women. He's a very linguistically damaged wee man, as well as his wee man being very wee.
"Being useless at Rugby and, therefore, shunned by his contemporaries, Ian took up the solitary pursuit of fishing. His only connection with other living beings came when he managed to catch a trout with his little worm for bait.
For him 'de bait" simply recalls those early attempts at sexual encounters, and his reaching out for love. That even the fish rejected his advances also helps to explain his revulsion at anyone with a piscine related name.
"Ian's problems magnified in the 1960s when he went to Glasgow with it's macho male culture. With no experience of relationships, he was wholly unable to understand that the sexual badinage, common among Glasgow males was based on little more experience than he had, though admittedly their's was less trout-orientated."
Consultant Sociotherapist, Dr Rood Health, added "Ian simply doesn't understand the effects his words have. His words when he apologised for threatening Eilidh Whiteford reveal that - 'I apologise for any offense that might have been caused' - those are the classical terms used by any sociopath who has no understanding of human beings. He actually believed he was complimenting Eilidh. The poor chap gets really upset when people misunderstand him, and he is forced to recline in a darkened room. In NHS England, we are realising that low-tech Victorian medical procedures are much cheaper and just as beneficial. When Ian has one of his recurring fit of the vapours, we prescribe smelling salts."
So there we have the truth from the horse-doctor's mouth. Ian Davidson is a sick man who needs help, care and love. To kick such a man when he is down is all that you would expect from vicious Natz like Newsnet Scotland.
[1] The Edwina Currie Home for Reclining Gentlefolk is a specialist centre for politicians with less than a firm grasp of reality. It is named in honour of Edwina's memory as displayed on BBC Radio 5 Live "I remember Alex Salmond when he was a Labour MP & what Alex really, really wanted was to be PM of the whole UK". John Major was reportedly relieved when she later apologised saying the "she was thinking of someone else." Cara Hilton, Labour candidate in Dunfermline, has subsequently issued a leaflet claiming that Edwina's affair was with Salmond.
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