By Wan Anwan Maksfour, Our Census Correspondent

Alastair Darling, UKOK head has cast doubts on the reliability of the latest release of census data from Scotlandshire. "It is a basic truth", he said, "that any data from Scotlandshire must be wrong, if it is different from what we want it to have been.

"Look", he exclaimed. "Look, the information release came from a group which has clearly been infected by Johann's virus. It calls itself the 'National Records of Scotland', but 'National' can only relate to the UK, not a part of it : Omitting the 'shire' suffix is ample proof of infection by itself : 'Record' is a protected term which can only be properly used by the wholly impartial Daily Record."

The data release revealed that - Eighty-three per cent of the population of Scotland felt they had some Scottish national identity. 

Sixty-two per cent of people felt Scottish only, 18 per cent felt Scottish and British and two per cent felt they were Scottish in combination with some other identity.

Eight per cent of people felt they only had a British national identity, 2 per cent felt English only and 2 per cent felt they had some other combination of UK identities (excluding Scottish).

The remaining 4 per cent felt they did not have any UK national identity (so are of no importance at all, as they are foreigners).

Ruthie "Baby" Davidson, Cameron's spokesperson in Scotlandshire, said, "More importantly, 38% of people are not 'Scottish only'. If they're not, then they must want to be British. Why else would they be in Britain?

If they all vote No, as they will, then we only need 13% of the so-called 'Scots' to win."

Joanne La-Mont, regional organiser for Labour in Scotlandshire, whined, "All of these people live in Scotlandshire. Scotlandshire is Labour, so all of these people will obey the instructions that London gives me to instruct them, and vote No to being Scottish in any meaningful way.

When Andy Burnham becomes Health Secretary in London, he and I will make sure that no one gets health care on either side of the border unless they sign up to being 'Scottish AND British'. That was the real point of Ed's speech at Brighton."

Wullie Rennie, spokesspirit for the Coalition splinter group with the counterfactual name "Liberal Democrats" said," Is this aboot numbers? I was good at them - aye managed tae gie folk the right change, if they didnae have the right fare. So Edinburgh Airport to Inverkeithing, that'll be £4.75 so ye get 30p change from that £20 note. Whit kin ye dae, eh? Get aff ma bus if ye dinnae like it."

John Poultice, the world's only polling analyst, ridiculed the results. "A census is just a really, really big poll where you ask everyone instead of just a sample. Polling rules still apply, however, and the margin of error must logically increase with sample size. A poll of 1,000 people has a margin of error of 3%, so a poll of 5,295 thousand must have a margin of error 5,295 times bigger, which would be ..... let's see .... 529,583%. That means that the so-called results of this poll are infinitely more likely to be wrong than to be right.

"In any case, no weighting has been applied to these raw statistics. Any reputable London polling company would give additional value to the responses of under-represented groups such as Tories and those originating from Sussex. Simultaneously, over-represented groups such as cybernats should properly be eliminated from the sample. While I wouldn't go as far as Alastair in suggesting that "elimination" should be interpreted literally, there is a perfectly respectable precedent from the USA in the early days of their splittist experience. Then, inferior humans were counted as only 60% of a real person. The Natz could hardly complain if splittist precedent determined their value today."

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Anti-Nationalists Terrorising Independent Bastits Including Ordinary Tartan-Infected Cocky Scots was tetchy when asked to comment. "Ah'm reclining in front o the TV, luikin at 22 lassies runnin aroon as if wuman can play fitba! Ah wis jist on the phone tae ma pal Milosevic. He gaed a richt doin tae Bosnian wummin, and the Scots wans shid get wan an aw.

"Onywye, thon numbers are pish. They say 'Just over one per cent  of people aged 3 and over in Scotland were reported as being unable to speak English well or at all.' Nane o the bastirts kin spikk English, sae dinnae swally a word o that. Noo f**k aff an let me concentrate on these lassie's erses."

 Related Articles

 National Records of Scotlandshire : 2011 Census: Key Results on Population, Ethnicity, Identity, Language, Religion, Health, Housing and Accommodation in Scotland - Release 2A

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