By Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

Prime Minister David Cameron said that he was astonished at claims that he was 'feart' to debate on TV with Alex Salmond. "I'm astonished at these claims", he said at a briefing for friendly Lobby correspondents, including myself and Lobey Dosser [1] of the Sunday Mail.

"When I wrote to the Dictator of Scotlandshire (© Anas Sarwar, hereditary MP), I was simply pointing out that my intervention in the Scotlandshire debate would be inappropriate because I know bugger all about the place. Indeed, I made that absolutely clear by referring to Salmond as the leader of the Yes campaign, instead of the Archfiend Denis Canavan. I also suggested that his equivalent was an insignificant back-bench MP.

"It might have been more appropriate if I'd suggested that the Government's spokesman in Scotlandshire, the Secretary of State, Michael Moore should represent the UK's determination to keep Scotland's resources in the Union.

"But, bugger me with the Commons Mace if anybody seriously thinks we could have put forward that idiot up against Salmond. I know that the convention in the media is that debates should be between people of equivalent status, but I can rely on you to throw that particular idea out of the window, and never mention it in your reports."

I asked Cameron his views on the serious suggestion by Tory Councillor David Meikle that "Somebody from UK Govt has to debate with Salmond. If not DC then Michael Moore would be the appropriate person."

"That's a good example of a former good chap laid low by the virus of nationalism", replied the PM. "While doctors investigate the method of transmission of the virus, there is a strong possibility that it is correlated with who he is intimate with. After all, that's how I was infected at Eton."

Asked how we should deal with the obvious contradiction that UK MPs, Ministers and civil servants from outwith Scotlandshire were constantly intervening in the debate, despite having no vote, Cameron responded (before flouncing out), "'Outwith' is a Scotch word that has no equivalence in proper English. If you're going to speak in a foreign language at these briefings, then don't expect an answer."

Fortunately, the Head of the No 10 Communications Unit, Sir Damian McBrideshead-Revisited was able to give a full explanation. "English constitutional law is quite clear. 'The Queen in Parliament' is sovereign, and not the ordinary scum that would be sovereign if Scotlandshire was to split off. That means that the Prime Minister exercises the 'Royal Prerogative' and is the Queen for all practical purposes. For example, when the Prince of Wales is instructing the Government of the day how matters are to be arranged to increase his personal fortune, he calls the PM 'Mummy'.

"His powers, therefore, are virtually untrammelled (rather like Edinburgh) and he can do or say anything that Rupert Murdoch and the bankers allow him to do, or say, or think. For the purposes of the splittist referendum, he has decreed that any Minister of the Crown is Scotch if they fulfil one or more of of the following criteria, they must be - 

1. pissed out of their skulls on Scotch whisky, or
2. wearing Royal Stuart tartan directoire knickers, or
3. gripping a haggis between their buttocks.

"Most of his colleagues ensure that all three criteria are met, even when they aren't commenting on Scotch matters.

"Civil servants have been made honorary members of the English Tory aristocracy, and follow the long established precedent that if they wear full Highland dress, they are considered to be Scotch

"Ordinary MPs, of course, are exempt from these conditions. Contained, as they are, in the Westminster Bubble of Unreality, they can say anything on any subject in the full and certain knowledge that none of it will relate in any substantial way to the world in which actual people live."

As journalists, we had some difficulty in absorbing these niceties of the English constitution, and many of us wondered why Cameron couldn't debate and destroy Salmond, while wearing Royal Stuart tartan directoire knickers.

Sir Damien explained. "This is definitely not for publication, but the fact, I'm afraid, is that Cameron is chicken. Just like Alastair Darling, who won't debate with Denis Canavan is chicken, and just wants to pick who he will debate with.

"David loves to posture on the world stage with Obama, Putin and other leaders of important countries like Jean-Claude Juncker of Luxembourg. For him to be bested by a regional politician would be the ultimate humiliation. Alastair still hopes to become leader of the Labour Party, when Ed loses the next election, and thus become the next Tory PM at the election afterwards.

A further complication turns out to have been that Labour in Scotlandshire refused to allow any debate to take place without a Labour Prime Minister taking part as well.

BBC Scotlandshire received this communication from a Mr or Ms Paul Sinclair, who described him or herself as "chief adviser to Johann Lamont".

Televised Debate with the Dictator

Scottish Labour in Scotlandshire (Scotch Region) has had reason before to complain about your obvious bias in favour of the SNP. Since the SNP is the only party comitted to splitting Scotlandshire Labour from the gravy train of Westminster, your occasional inclusion of Green, SSP or independent politicians to argue for splittism, is a clear breach of our propaganda line.

Additionally, the attempt by the Dictator to insist that he debate with a Tory PM of the UK (or even one of the Lib-Dem arse-lickers) is totally unacceptable. Any such debate without a Labour PM there as well would be a travesty of the democratic position that only Labour represents Scotlandshire. While we have the Best of Both Worlds with the Tories and Lib-Dems running the UK, that only works if Labour is running Scotlandshire. You need to remember the definition of democracy given by the great Abraham Lincoln - “Democracy is the government of the people, by Labour, for Labour”.

Any futher derogation, by you, of that principle will result in Joanne [sic] having to thcream and thcream and thcream, until she is thick [sic].

NOTE

[1] Younger readers may not be aware of the Scottish tradition of the "lobby dosser", which the Coalition is proud to be reintroducing to Scotlandshire as a consequence of the Bedroom Tax. With no one-bedroom flats available and derisory benefits, scroungers, unable to afford a bed, will resurrect the noble status of paying a small amount to doss down in the lobby of a tenement.

 Related Articles

 Herald : PM tells Salmond: you don't pick who you debate indyref with

Scotsman :  ‘BBC in cahoots with SNP’

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