By Iain X under-Achiever, the World's Worst Journalist and PR Guy

BBC Scotlandshire can today reveal that its probe into the deepest recesses of Labour in Scotlandshire has reached the bottom – of the barrel.

In what can only be described as a complete betrayal of the campaign for Scottish Dependence, the once-proud party has finally descended into a miasma of shameful lies and deceit, undermining the fine work done by Project Fear, Alistair (Flipper) Darling, Lord Ashcroft and many other upstanding and honest supporters of the U-KOK ideal.

Firstly, this channel has discovered that Johann la Mont's latest attack on Dictator Eck (©Anas Sarwar MP [hereditary]) during last thursday's First Minister's Questions was, in parliamentary parlance, "a load of utter bolloques".

Ms la Mont had lambasted the first minister Alex Salmond and other SNP ministers for buying a plot of land at a hugely inflated price, before selling it back to the original owner at an enormous discount when it turned out to be worthless. She also suggested that the businessman at the centre of the sale was given a 'Broon Envelope' by Salmond as a reward for becoming an SNP supporter.

Now, this channel sees no problem in the deliberate smearing of the First minister and his colleagues – unwarranted ad-hominem attacks on SNP leaders are a major plank of the U-KOK strategy after all – but these need to at least be plausibly deniable, even if utterly incredible and unsupported by any objective evidence. Otherwise the reputation of the No campaign (and it's associated media) for fairness, balance and honest debate may be damaged in the minds of the gullible Scottish voter.

In this case, however, it soon became clear that the land in question was bought for much less than the stated sum – which included compensation for the parking business which owned the plot – and that it was actually bought by Labour councillors who were being paid fat directorial salaries as part of Strathclyde Partnership for Transport (SPT). At least one of these esteemed troughers should have been comfortable with the large sums involved in the sale, as he was busily engaged in fiddling his own SPT expenses at the time of the sale.

In addition, Ms la Mont should have known this, as her transport minister had just been briefed on the matter some days earlier, in response to a written question. Even if communication with her colleagues had broken down during her long period of retreat over the summer, she had only to ask her husband, who had also been involved in SPT at a senior level. Shoddy work Ms la Mont! No gold stars for you.

On Spoof channel BBC in Scotland's Newsnat Scotlandshire and Good Morning Scotlandshire, regular sacrificial SLAB goat James Kelly MSP said, "I simply don't understand this story. For decades dodgy land deals and broon envelopes have been the sole preserve of SLAB - we own the franchise after all. And now the SNP seems to be muscling in on the act. Well, it's just not good enough. The nats should just but out now and leave the corruption and nepotism to the professionals. Oh, it WAS US after all. Then I call for a full public enquiry to see why our time has been wasted, since the SNP has clearly done nothing wrong. Shit, that's wrong isn't it?."

Then we discovered that the de-facto leader of Labour in Scotlandshire, Anas Sarwar MP [hereditary], had been caught blatantly lying in front of a TV audience in a debate with deputy fishwife Nicola Sturgeon MSP.

Mr Sarwar's many interjections on every topic have given lie to the claim that Ms la Mont speaks for both the SLAB MSPs in Holyrood and the SLAB MPs in Westminster. It is clear that, while MSPs occasionally speak through their own Johann, the MPs continue talk through their Anas.

Mr Sarwar was exposed as a hopeless and hapless fibber after brandishing a series of dodgy dossiers and making idiotic claims such as "there are 6 fewer nurses under the SNP" and "you have been campaigning for independence since before I was born". But his greatest mistake was to announce Labour's policy on repealing the 'bedroom tax', leading to immediate denials by more senior party figures.

But perhaps we can can be more forgiving of Mr Sarwar on the grounds that, not only is he a very, very stupid man indeed, but also that he was starved from birth of the oxygen of socialism by virtue of being the son of a Glasgow Labour MP.

Finally, it appears that Labour's Spokesliar on mendacity, Jackie Baillie MSP, better known to her many friends as JaBa the shed, has also been announcing fictitious Labour policy on the bedroom tax.

JaBa, who has considerable experience of outrageous and unashamed dissembling, both in parliament and in the press, was immediately contradicted by a more senior colleague in London.

All in all, it has not been a good week for Labour in Scotlandshire, nor for U-KOK by association. We must always remember what a slimy little operator Dictator Eck (©Anas Sarwar MP [hereditary]) really is, and how quickly he could turn the good voters of Scotlandshire against the union with all his positivity and facts and hope and stuff. We must be vigilant and counter this at every opportunity.

That means, while it is perfectly fine to lie to the people at every turn, there must be at least a kernel of credibility, however small, before any lie can be used, or you will simply be playing into the separatists' nationalists' hands. But once your lie is released, then repeat, repeat and repeat again, the louder and more often the better, both alone and together with your colleagues.

The Big Lie. Better loud, better often, and Better Together!

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