Where is Johann? A nation's concern

By Prof John Poultice, The world's only polling expert

nowhere laneAt last! A real poll to report on, instead of having to fill space with rubbish about spacemonsters. BBC Scotlandshire supplies all the polls you will ever need, and all of the answers that tell you how to think.

This poll was unusually crowd-sourced by the entire 9,378 people of the independent nation of Nauru. The ridiculous claim by "Wings over Scotlandshire" to be the first crowd-sourced poll is thus totally disproved.  Our fee of £xxxxxxx (redacted on the basis of commercial confidentiality and the Director-General's tax return) was minimal compared to the economic benefits which could accrue to them.

Nauru is remarkably similar to Scotlandshire. With a tiny population it survived on a single export while the government employed 95% of its people, and lavished free medical care and education on its citizens. It is also beset by obesity problems. Decades of leisurely lifestyle and high consumption of alcohol and fatty foods have left as many as 9 out of 10 people overweight!

While Scotlandshire has a little oil (which will be exhausted in a year or two), Nauru had huge phosphate deposits from centuries of bird droppings. Not only did that resource became exhausted, but the world economy soon came to rely on a superior source.

Specific Human Intestinal Tract Extrusion (SHITE) rapidly became the basis of the banking and financial sector, and London and New York both used enormous quantities of SHITE, and exported it around the globe to replicate Nauruan poverty in much of the rest of the world.

Persuaded by the London media that the centre of SHITE production had been in Edinburgh, the Nauruans sought advice from the unelected dictator of the Punjab, Muhammad Sarwar, who had moved there after gifting his UK Parliamentary seat to his son Anas. The Nauruans knew well that Anas was the publicly acknowledged source of SHITE, but had heard that he had been considered by locals to be only second to the main source of production.

Prior to the closure of the transfer window, Nauru had made a competitive bid for Sarwar's putative leader to transfer to their team and restore Nauru to the top of the international SHITE league. They were devastated when Johann Lamont subsequently (as well as previously) disappeared from public view, so sought reports from the Scotlandshire locals.

64% of respondents said "She has no idea where she is". While informed sources say this might well be true, these responses are clearly indicative of the fact that the respondents are Scotch, and don't know their arse from their elbow. Such ignorance makes them very misdirected SHITE producers, so they have been excluded from the results, in line with BBC Scotlandshire policy.

Of the remaining 333 respondents, 7% of our loyal Brits had been so enthralled by the birth of a royal prince that they had rejected the Scotlandshire sentiment that "we'd rather have a panda than a prince" and assumed that Johann was esconced in London suckling any prince who happened along. While, in our view, that should have been the case, it was actually untrue. This section of respondents were also excluded from the analysis.

A further 43% of the remnant respondents were convinced that they had seen Johann in rehearsal for the Krankies' Xmas Spectacular and an additional 9% claimed to have seen her entering her bunker under Gregg's. Their assumption that she was planning to export her SHITE production skills to Pakistan are, however, wholly misguided. Her ambitions lie much further East. In any case, all these respondents came from Glasgow, so the normal iterative statistical procedure of "excluding Weegies pished on Buckie" eliminated them too.

keich spaOur final sample, therefore, which (at 147) is statistically valid, was divided between those who considered that she was "searching Uranus for the 'Positive Case for the Union'" and those who had seen her in Auchenshoogle.

Both scenarios were equally valid, but further research indicated that the former group may have been referring to a former period. During the period in question, your Anas has been observed by British Security at all times (in case he also defecates defects to Pakistan) and Johann has been nowhere in site.

Although those identifying Johann at Netta's Keich School and Spa all had the Auchenshoogle postcode and are, therefore, Natz, we were forced to accept that their reports are correct, when definitive photographic evidence was produced.

Johann has indeed been in intensive pre-season training for her transfer to Nauru, and we have been able to confirm this to them.

School Director Netta McLafferty said "Ah canna confirm or deny fa' wis here - bit een o' them wis fantastic at spikkin shite, an' spreadin' it aroon."

 


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Newsnet Scotland : 'Sidelined and silenced' Lamont ridiculed by SNP as Sarwar's role increases 


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