By Maidy Tawup, our (unpaid) Poll Dancing Correspondent

Spoof broadcaster BBC in Scotlandshire has caused outrage today by broadcasting a piece featuring a notorious separatist blogger on their satirical morning news show, Good Morning Scotlandshire.

The broadcast, which did not even have the saving grace of humour, gave free rein to crowd-funded journalist and grammar Nazi Rev Stuart Campbell, allowing him to explain the reasoning behind a private poll he had conducted into separation.

For those who have never heard of the good Reverend, and his own poll suggests that is nearly all of you, he publishes an obscure blog which circulates conspiracy theories concerning alleged media bias around a small circle of like-minded acolytes. His doting followers are forced to send the Rev all their worldly goods so he can conduct missionary work, bringing the 'truth' to the masses. This has made the Rev immensely rich.

A couple of weeks ago, the Rev had a vision as he was lying in his bath, sipping champagne. [That should be lying in Bath, surely – Ed]

Apparently, he was visited by an alien space monster which told him that the inhabitants of Mars were planning an invasion of Scotlandshire as they had run out of oil & gas and were poorly situated to develop a wind, wave and tidal alternatives due to their thin atmosphere and total lack of liquid water.

The alien space monster told him that Scotlandshire had been chosen as the ideal location for invasion due to its massive natural resources and it's compliant population, many of whom seem quite content to have those resources exploited by a disinterested third party with hardly a murmur of dissent.

The Rev's destiny, said the alien, was to ask the people of Scotlandshire if they would be accepting of alien invasion, by including a couple of subtly worded questions on the subject in a poll which was ostensibly about separation. This was part of a risk analysis, said the alien, and much too complicated for simple human brains, even if they were rather delicious.

So the Rev set about gathering more money from his disciples, exhorting them to sell their organs and raise cash for the poll, and this they did with joy.

When the poll was published, first on the Rev's own blog, and then by the polling organisation Panelbias, there was a period of blissful silence as it was quite correctly ignored by all of the newspapers and TV channels, with the sole exception of one other swivel-eyed conspiracy blog, Newsnatz Scotlandshire, which obviously doesn't count as a proper news outlet.

Then, a week and a half after publication, Good Morning Scotlandshire inexplicably decided to carry a piece on the poll, and even featured an interview with the Rev himself, who was apparently still in his bath. [This is what happens when you rely on unpaid interns – Ed]

The Rev himself expressed surprise at the decision, stating, "This was meant to be a private poll, just for my friends and the inhabitants of Mars to enjoy. I didn't expect any of the media to even comment on it, never mind invite me for interview, even if it was only on a Saturday morning when nobody is listening. It felt as if Derek Bateman had returned from the journalistic grave.

Clearly realising their own mistake, GMS immediately countered the Campbell interview with a thoughtful piece by Prof. John Poultice, the world's only psephologist, who complained that only he should be allowed to commission opinion polls.

"This is what happens when you let just anyone make up the questions for a poll," the Prof told listeners. "There were so may things wrong with this poll that I barely know where to begin. I'm really quite peeved about it.

"Firstly, Stuart made the classic error of asking different questions from everyone else. How can we dismiss his results as outliers when they have no connections to the official questions asked by all other polls.

"For example, in my Social Attitudes study, I have been asking exactly the same questions for over 20 years. That way we can track voting intentions over an extended period, determining the likelihood of a Scottish parliament being established and whether it will be given tax varying powers.

"Secondly, some of his questions were leading. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself, but he was clearly leading respondents in the WRONG direction. And that is a fatal mistake. He should have watched this educational video, made by the BBC Scotlandshire Skool of Journalism, which explains the matter perfectly."

"Fourthly, the source of the poll was a partisan website. Serious polls are commissioned by national newspapers or TV channels, not internet bloggers. And the media never take a partisan angle on their polls, as they are all  fastidiously neutral in the separation debate. That's what makes Britain Great, after all.

"And finally, only professional pollsters are clever enough to write questions for a poll. And the wonderful thing about pollsters is... that I'm the only one. Well, me and every hack journalist working in the main stream media, of course. And the No campaign and the Labour party. And rich Tory party donors, naturally. And the CBI. But, you get my point.

"Anyway, what does the Rev Stu know about Scottish politics? He doesn't even live in London."

Fat controller of BBC Scotlandshire, Johnny Bossyman, also commented on the broadcast, but his outburst was entirely unbroadcastable, even if he is my boss.

Speaking to BBC Scotlandshire after the interview, Rev Stu Campbell said, in a strangely robotic voice, "As soon as I had stepped into the studio and placed the 'headphones' onto my head, I began to see the error of my ways.

"How could I have been so misguided before? Of course dependence is best. We really ARE Better Together.

"Why would I want to destroy a Union, the oldest in the known universe, which has served the people of the Home Counties so well for over 300 years? I am deeply sorry and not a little embarrassed about my former misguided self."

Leader of Labour in Scotlandshire, Johann Lamont, was unavailable for comment as she was awaiting the arrival of her new script from Marsopolis Command.

Related Items

You Tube: Wings Over Scotland Panelbase poll: Stu Campbell on GMS; Prof John Curtice

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