Scottish Panda Pregnancy Confirmed – Salmond accused

By Rane Forrest, our Endangered Species Correspondent

cammo-pandaThe SNP has confirmed that a baby panda will definitely be arriving at Edinburgh zoo, in a move which has prompted immediate anger and suspicion from pro-dependence campaigners.

Alex Salmond, the First Minister of Scotlandshire and Kim Jong-um of Scottish politics©Anas Sarwar MP (hereditary) has let it be known that a baby panda will be delivered, one way or another.

Opponents of separation say that a panda baby would be used for naked political gain by the SNP, in stark contrast to the dignified and apolitical way in which the UK press treated the recent glorious parturition of our future King George.

UKOK Head Alistair Darling has claimed that Soapy Salmond (as he is commonly known in Scotlandshire) will do anything to cash in on the publicity a cute baby panda would bring.

The Royal prerogative of bear in-cashment, of course, traditionally belongs with the legitimate government in Westminster, to whom it was bestowed in the year 13½ BC by Ethelred the Undemocratic.

Mr Darling told this channel, "If Scotlandshire decides to slink down the slippery path of separation, these cuddly bears will no longer be ours to enjoy. They will become foreign bears, and will have become hateful to us. Alex Salmond and the SNP must explain to the people of Scotlandshire why he wishes us to despise the pandas."

panda-salmondSuspicions of possible wrongdoing have led members of the Better Together (No to the Unions, Yes to the Union) campaign to camp out in Edinburgh Zoo, where they managed to capture the spectacular image on the right.

It is now clear that Salmond's separatist SNP 'government' cannot be trusted with the care of Britain's pandas, which should be repatriated to London Zoo with all possible haste. It was never appropriate for such a valuable and newsworthy couple to be hosted in the provinces and this must now be corrected.

A spokesnat for the Scottish Executive said, "This is just another ridiculous non-story from Project Fear. The image has clearly been photoshopped, probably by Blare MacDugall himself, going by the poor quality of the work.

"You did the same last week with a made-up story that every kid in Scotlandshire would be forced to learn Gaelic. Why don't you publish some real news for once, like the results of the Wings over Scotland poll? I bet that one went through your newsroom like a dose of Bath salts."

Alan Grogan, head of the SNP's 'Labour for Independence' front, wrestled with the concept for a while then said simply, "Pandas 3, Tories 1. Result!"

We considered asking the Leader of Labour in Scotland for a comment, but found nobody in the newsroom could remember who exactly that was.


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