By Prof John Poultice, The World's only polling expert

Just occasionally, a Better Together ploy fails to have quite the impact that it deserves. One such was the campaign by the phenomenally talented and brilliant director of U-KOK, Blair McDougall to stop any Natz from uttering words that had previously been used by our his campaign.

While McDougall's attack on the Natz was brilliantly conceived (in the same way that Tian Tian's happened - by syringe through a bodily opening) it did not attain the penetration of the body politic that he had wished.

The minor consideration that "Better Together" was a term filched from NHS Scotland or a Jack Johnson song or an Austin & Ally song or the US Saguaro Seminar or the Irish Charity campaign or the US student interfaith movement or the NW England marriage bureau or a Robert Putnam book about restoring the American community or Sherron George's book on the Future of Presbyterian Mission or a programme for over-50s in the UK to share homes and holidays (Mmm. Might give them a ring!) or a commercial project sharing system or a Microsoft Open Text site or Plymouth Chamber of Commerce or Pepsi or...... should have had little effect - after all, few Scots had heard of these.

Unfortunately, even fewer had heard of Blair McDougall and those who had, thought that he rarely or seldom told the truth. While I deprecate the conducting of any poll of which I am not the conductor - and especially one commissioned by an amateur! - the latest Panelbase poll does allow U-KOK to re-examine any potential areas where our its strength is less than overwhelming.

U-KOK's ability to ruthlessly analyse difficulties and propose solutions was well portrayed by McDougall's article in this erudite journal yesterday when he said, "I think I'm for the big heave-ho". Not that I'm angling for yet another job, but any campaign director who is wholly unknown to 56% of the electorate, whom a further 17% have never heard him open his f**king mouth on separation and of those that had heard him, 78% thought he was a lying git, should get the bum's rush straight away and be replaced by someone much more recognisable and authoritative.

Not that I want to blow my own trumpet (though blowing my own horn can aid meditation), but my recognisability quotient is enormous. In the Panelbase poll, Coalition voters (41% of LDs and 27% of Tories) recognised me immediately when they said "The same pundits appear too often on TV". If I am called, I may choose to serve.

Despite the lamentable attempts of the separatists to spin the results of this Panelbase poll, it has many positive findings for those who support the glorious Union with Scotlandshire England. 64% of Tories together with 27% of Labour and 26% of LDs believe that the pretendy wee Parliament in Holyrood should get no more powers or even have them reduced. This demonstrates the wisdom of Brian Wilson, Michael Kelly and Tam Dalyell - good Tories all of them.

Similarly, 46% of Tories, 23% of Labour and 16% of LDs would vote to unite under Westminster rule if Scotlandshire was to currently suffer the indignity of being separate.

Refreshingly, few had heard of any of the Scottish political websites. While BBC Scotlandshire flourishes, the plebs have no need to turn to any other source of misinformation.

Amazingly, 39% thought that U-KOK "believe that Scotland could be a "vibrant, successful" independent nation, but should stay in the UK anyway", while only 23% had fallen for the separatist revelation that we they actually "believe that Scotland is "too poor and too stupid" to be a successful independent country. This is a great demonstration of the aphorism that "you can't fool all of the people all of the time", with it's later addition "but as long as you can con them till the vote, who gives a f**k?"

I could find many more uplifting examples from this poll, but I need to go and update my CV while I await the call from my Darling.

Update

Spoof analyst Prof John Curtice has also done an article on the Wings poll. Although there is some similarity of name, which may cause confusion, he has nothing in common with me. In common with all BBC Scotlandshire staff, we spit on anyone who does not see the facts as they must be seen - through Union Jack glasses!

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Newsnet Scotland : The Panelbase poll for Wings over Scotland

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