UK Home Office launches new BBC Scotlandshire Saturday night programme

By Sicko Fancy, Our uncritical Television Critic

ILMCOn Saturday evening, in a dazzling display of manic and inspiring Britishness, BBC Scotlandshire launched its new flagship tea-time programme, ‘I love my country!!!’. Not even the most cynical viewer could fail to be moved to tears by this display of metropolitan chaviness.

This channel can be justly proud of its new offspring, just as the Cambridges are of their little Prince George. Inspired by an original series from Nuremberg, ‘I Love My Country!!!’ seeks to celebrate everything which makes us exactly the same as each other, and totally better than everyone else.

Sponsored by the Home Office and based on the UK government’s bestselling book, ‘Life in the United Kingdom: A Journey to Citizenship - 2nd Edition’, the programme explores those areas of life where foreigners are most ignorant, allowing loyal subjects to feel justifiably superior to their overseas neighbours. 

As all proud Brits are aware, those who cannot remember Morcambe and Wise, Del Boy Trotter, or ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ with nostalgic pride and longing are undeserving of British citizenship. Equally, anyone who is unaware of the purpose and grace of Morris dancing, who is ignorant of the date of the Battle of Trafalgar, or who cannot even tell a googlie from a gollywog, should be shipped out forthwith in the back of a race-van and deported to the nearest foreign land.

However, the new series not only helps to bolster a proper sense of Britishness in the public mind at this very dangerous time for our beloved union, but also makes its own significant contribution to the economic wellbeing to the Home Counties.

The series features a large central floor map of the British Isles, around which all of the excitment takes place. The areas of this map which would normally be occupied by the republic of Ireland, the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands are replaced by whitish voids, demonstrating that only those parts of the British Isles which remain firmly and forever under Westminster rule are deserving of the viewers’ love.

ILMC-mapForeign parts such as France, Belgium and The Netherlands are helpfully hidden under the North Sea where they cannot, even inadvertantly, upset the visual grace of these sceptered isles.

The map also relocates Shetland (and half of Orkney for good measure) to somewhere off the coast of Fife. This move, known in government circles as ‘McConnell II’ after the annexation of 6000 square miles of Scottish maritime territory by the Blair government in 1999, paves the way for the success of the post 2014 negotiations on oil & gas ownership, should the referendum inexplicably result in separation.

The relocation of Shetland into the recently extended English Channel will ensure that there are no nasty complications to the retention of England’s mineral resources if the former Scotlandshire votes, like Ireland before it, to be whitened out of the programme’s floor map and excluded forever from British love.

A spokestoff for the Home Office told this reporter, “There was a real gap in the market for a programme like this. It has been two weeks since the birth of the young prince, and a week since the rehash of the Olympics. The next royal baby is not planned until early September next year and all we have in the kitty is the celebrations of the start of WWI, the Gibraltar conflict and the annexations of Aberdeen, Argyll and Balmoral. That’s why we decided to sponsor this new show.

"And just to be doubly safe, we have also commissioned another BBC Scotlandshire series, 'Long Live Britain!!!', in which Julia Bradbury, Phil Tufnell and Dr Phil Hammond set out to tackle some of the nation's most pressing health issues. Britain's 'secret killers' - Scottish Nationalism and Separation.

“Everyone who was lucky enough to watch the first episode of 'I Love my Country!!!' will agree that it is truly representative of the state of British broadcasting today and reflects the best of current English culture. Even the baying crowds, half in blue and half in red, with no discernible difference between the two, and the utter insignificance of which side wins, were deeply redolent of modern Britain. I almost shed a tear.

The government was insistent that the initial episode must make no reference to Scotlandshire or anything Scottish, as we have no wish to stoke the fires of separation at this dangerous time. We are sure that viewers in Scotlandshire will appreciate that this new programme, ‘I Love My Country!’ along with it’s BBC 4 spinoff, ‘I Also Hate Your Country and Everyone in it!’”, is the very embodiment of the long-promised positive case for the Union.


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