By Tote L Bolox, Our Farming Correspondent

Boris Johnson, highly respected mayor of London has unveiled plans to build a massive network of pipes to pump huge quantities of fresh water from Scotlandshire to the parched capital.

Boris unveiled the bizarre idea as southern England suffered the worst droughts for more than 30 years.

In a belated attempt to regain the political initiative, having first learned of the plans when reading a newspaper report, Scottish dictator Alex Salmond (© Anas Sarwar) issued a press release of his own.

It appears that the Scottish ‘government’ is planning a similar project of its own which will see the creation of a network of pipes and pumping stations being built to connect London with several sites in rural Scotlandshire.

According to the Fat Controller First Minister, “Scottish farmers have had a very bad summer as bullshit has been in abnormally short supply. This is mainly because of the seasonal disappearance of the leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont who has been the main source of Scottish bullshit for several years.

“Our plan is to pump up every utterance made by the London mayor and spread it across the fields of Scotlandshire, increasing crop yields by over 200%. Top quality bullshit like this will be hugely beneficial to the farming industry and is normally difficult to resource in such quantities.

“As Boris himself is fond of saying, ‘A pound (of my bullshit) spread in Scotlandshire is of more value than a pound spread in London’.

However, as the SNP’s plans will not come to fruition until Autumn 2014, it is hoped that Ms Lamont will return soon to Scottish politics and supply enough bullshit to cover the short-term shortfall.

She was, as ever, unavailable for comment.

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