Hysteria in Auchenshoogle at Royal birth

By Willie Breed, Chief (and only) reporter at the ‘Auchenshoogle Clype’

pig-tattooThere was dancing in the street of Auchenshoogle today as Terry McMay, Secretary at the Home Farm confirmed that she had been present at the farrowing at Mains o’Clattery, when prize sow 'Princess of Strathearn' gave birth.

“Coincidentally”, she said, “anither wee addition in London happened jist at the same time, though their Hame Fairm Secretary didnae get tae see it. In Auchenshoogle, we stick tae the auld wyes.”

Local resident Netta McLafferty said that she was so excited by the news that she rushed out without putting her knickers on. “Weel”’ she remarked, “Ah dinna usually wear knickers onywye. Bit wi abody thinkin aboot thon grand show fin Princess wis pit tae the boar, Ah’ve a better chance than normal o’ a bit mair houghmagandie. Ma new tatoo'll help.”

the-royal-pig-pubAround the world, special events were held to celebrate Princess's achievement. Miami opened a new pub in her honour. While US companies are reported to be keen to make sponsorship deals with the London royals, Clatterty was hopeful that a sponsorship deal with Quality Meat Scotland to publicise Scotttish low fat, low salt bacon.

At home, local politicians were quick to try to make political capital from the birth.

Labour Councillor, Sir Jonathan DeVere-Smythe was ecstatic.

After he had removed the orange from his mouth and the ligature from his neck, however, he was able to give a statement. “This royal birth is symbolic of the New Labour paradigm. Up to the very moment of doing anything, Princess was in Labour. But when it came to the push, and something was produced, she was no longer in Labour. Johann loves that metaphor.”

Independent Liberal Democrat Conservative “Coalition For Me” candidate, said, “Princess was only able to produce this litter because of the Union with a Tamworth boar. Scots boars just aren’t up to the job – though Willie Rennie proves that some Scots are prize bores.”

media clatterty

Alex Trout, leader of the 15 strong SNP group on the 12 member Council said, “I’m happy for both princesses today. Of course, in an independent Scotland, we’ll get to choose for ourselves which, if any, of the new bairns becomes our Head of State eventually. Personally, I’ll go for whichever one is likely to bring home the bacon to Scotland.”

Veteran Republican and SSP activist, Rosie McKane, slammed the privileged conditions that Princess had received. “It’s typical of the bloated aristocracy that she gave birth in a £5,000-a-night facility with free champagne.” When gently reminded that the Auchenshoogle Princess had received no such luxury, Rose snorted, “That’s one of the great failings of the SNP. In a Socialist Scotland, every mother – regardless of species – would have access to exactly the same level of maternity care.”

There were also uncomfirmed reports that UKOK head, Alastair Darling, attempted to sneak into the viewing enclosure of the pigsty and unfurl a large Union Flag behind Princess as she delivered her final triumphant push. As so often, however, he lost his footing in the slime and ended up in the shit.

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