By Emile Forfree, Our Cultural Correspondent

Thursday evening found your intrepid reporter in deepest darkest Leith. This parasitical ward has been a hotbed of separatists for many years, the locals having, attempted, from early in the last century to rip themselves from the paternal control of Edinburgh City council, have a tendency to independence.

Apparently Leith did not vote to join this other great Union; some people just don’t know what’s good for them. It is still a dangerous place.

Do not be fooled by the posh nosh establishments and apparent cafe culture this is still the dock lands of the regions capital city.

Behind this facade lurks a sinister society much like that which stained the infamous left bank of Paris in times past.

Having made my way through the back streets, past the groups of Gucci clad, thirty something, separatist, tearaways, I spotted my destination, a crowd of bovver booted, ponytailed, walking stick wielding separatist louts assembled outside the Constitution bar. Brazenly they shuffle about the pavement intimidating passersby with their laughter and camaraderie. My own personal safety at risk I nevertheless entered the den of the lion rampant.

I attempted to sneak into the grubby, aptly named, Red Room but was immediately accosted by a bucket swinging separatist insisting I gave up my wallet, fortunately I had foreseen this possibility and threw the five pence in copper I had in my hand into the bucket as I boldly swept past. (Note to Ed, can I have my suit cleaned please, she brushed against me)

Within a few tense minutes a man dressed all in black took to the beer sodden floor. Small but intimidating, his moustache augmented with a strange tuft of hair sprouting below his lower lip, this was the man I had come to see, the infamous Willie ‘Ratbag’ Black, leader of the rapacious stop the bedroom tax pack.

The hairs on the back of my neck rose as this fearsome separatist desperately tried to undermine the perfectly valid bedroom tax, with great dexterity he twisted the facts claiming people would be evicted from their homes, our returning squaddies would not be happy sleeping in a tent in the garden and other such nonsense. This was the man who had stormed the George Hotel aided by the blind and infirm, a dangerous fifth columnist and I was only feet from him. Almost immediately the crowd turned nasty with shouts of ‘don’t lose the plot’ and ‘get on with it’ forcing a suited separatist know only as John to commandeer the platform.

The lights dimmed as the coven of separatists stirred restlessly mewing amongst themselves, impatient for the main event.

John (probably not his real name) assaulted the button, the large, probably stolen, screen spat to life, Ratbag the movie began.

At this point dear reader, I will simply say this disgusting record of the assault on Iain Duncan Smith, a pillar of the Westminster elite, and his entirely reasonable vilification of the weak, poor and disabled through the bedroom tax, will one day be used in evidence against the forces of evil that are the Scotch separatists. Even the clouds in Scotlandshire can, perhaps surprisingly, have silver linings.

The top Tory agent in Scotlandshire, codenamed Mundell, gave an interview to BBC Scotlandshire from behind closed screens. "I learned from the Glasgow Evening Times report that this movie was made on an £82 camcorder. Nothing makes IDS's case more positively than that if these scroungers can afford a luxury like a camcorder, then they can afford to pay the Bedroom Tax. Indeed, if they pay the Tax, then they won't have access to equipment like this to vilify decent Tories, who pay all the tax that the UK Treasury insists that they must."

Do not watch this Movie as it contains information that may lead you to think, Ratbags

---

Related Articles

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.